you know what's been pissing me off? the fact that so many people assume so many things about my life, that's what. here and there, i can't avoid the infamous "so you get drunk every weekend" question or the "so which drugs do you use" question. right, cos my life has spiraled out of control into this cycle of binge drinking and heroin uptake. i'm so smart, i got into berkeley and am throwing it away by failing out all my classes because i fucking drink too much.
no. stop right there and shut up. don't even think about it. you have no clue and no right to start spreading that shit about me. as much as i don't regret ever being with you, to me right now, you are the ugliest person, so selfish and histrionic that everything just has to come back to you. well, life's gonna tell you that it's not, so deal with it. you couldn't even handle it when your best friend got the position you wanted the most, and when she did, you whined until you stole all her thunder. she got to wear the white pants. you didn't, and you're still bitter about that. seems to me that you can't handle jealousy without being mature yourself, something you obviosluy showed when i "didn't have the time to call or send an email" -- could it have possibly been the fact that i didn't want to?
you can't even take a fucking joke. if you knew at all who shereen was, you'd know the context of the whole thing. but just like you, you thought it'd be safe to assume the worst, and blah blah blah i get an email saying "you should at least have told her she deserves that much all she really ever did was love you." shereen's laughing, i'm laughing, and you're crying because you're so fucking miserable. so what? i love shereen, and at least she appreciates that. you didn't, and i don't think you ever will. what next, you're gonna tell my mom and sleep over in my bed? wouldn't surprise me if you already did. "all she ever did was love you."
BULLSHIT.
you acted on your own selfish measures to get to me, breaking my best friend's heart and mine in the process, and then you pull all kinds of stunts so that people will want you to be the one who led them. i'd shut up if i were you, considering you do enough damage with your mouth closed. the more rumors you spread, the farther away i'm gonna be, and i frankly can care less about who you're bringing down. sad to say that my big little brother might be part of it all, but if that's what you have to do then that's what i'll have to do.
you're so engrossed in yourself and your social circle, you forgot who your family was. and i don't mean your biological family, but your friends closest to you that actually care about you. your roommate, for one. you don't realize how much you're hurting her. and how you have everyone else in your circle of friends thinking the same one-track thought that you probably concocted from assumptions, eagerly awaiting your next command. let them think for themselves, for once. shut up and listen. they deserve that much from a friend.
and i know from the rest of all this i won't be your favorite person ever, but seriously: did you really think i'd do anything like that when you knew that you were always there? now that i'm somewhere new, somewhere better, i just can't stop imagining what else you could have been thinking and propagating in your little bubble of a world. take this for what you will, and i'd understand if you never wanna see me ever again. just remember that things change, and things almost never go the way you want them to.
february sucks.
migblog
2.28.2003
2.22.2003
"atheism is a philosophy without hope." -- dr. william lane craig at the existence of god lecture in wheeler auditorium, february 21.
yes, i know what you're thinking. why did i go to such a lecture? in light of many things that have been happening, i decided that a relationship with such a being -- a person, i guess -- would have been really fundamental and helpful during such times of crises. not to say that i'll only look to god for crises, but the fact that he will listen at anytime and to know that someone out there doesn't care about all the false fronts i put up (if you only knew what was going on inside my head...), that someone will love me for who i am and not what i am. it's a truly beautiful thing to have such the relationship with god.
and i'm very appreciative of the level of respect that dr. craig showed to non-christians at the lecture. smack in the middle, he said, "must we believe in god in order to lead good and decent lives? no." the fact alone that he acknowledged atheistic premise made me want to get up and shake his hand. he made many good points, most of what i was brought up with (growing up roman catholic and all), that really made me re-evaluate my current religious situation.
i think somewhere around last week or two weeks ago, sam, kim and i talked about our relationships with god and religion as a whole and how it affected our lives. i recounted how i felt cheated and misled by the catholic church, smokescreening me of all the hypocrisy of the "evangelism" that they preached about. it said once to "love your neighbor," but then "stone him to death" if he ever said the lord's name in vain. or how sins, no matter how big or small, would still land you in hell. the fact that stealing a car and killing somebody would ultimately lead to the same place irked me. i know that altogether it was a different level of objective "wrongness," but still, hell is hell and that was that. salvation seemed to be impossible and unreachable, something only priests and nuns and holy people would be able to achieve.
then the whole sex scandal happened with the catholic priests. i was ashamed to say i was raised catholic when the shit hit the fan. salvation then seemed to be impossible for the holy people too -- they gave in to the temptation that was right before them, something they should have rejected so easily with the aid of god. how was a regular person like me, a daily sinner, an atheist, even, going to get saved?
what bothered me with the smokescreening and the hypocrisy was that the church never gave us reasons as to why things were the way they were. it wasn't cool to me that they were telling me to preach about being humble and modest while they were trying to remodel the church, and how church had become this routine of sit-kneel-stand-kneel-sit, and then it turned into a game of "who could donate the most money to the parish this week" which made the church look like embezzling politicians struggling to stay alive. then my church all of a sudden had to have the best wine, the best facilities, the best organ, the best pews. i didn't care, i only wanted to get close to god. and i didn't know that i had to pay a membership fee to do that.
church became an absolute joke to me once i moved to california. coming from a strict catholic background, i was surprised my mother didn't go to church as often as i was used to. every sunday morning used to be the time to look your best and have something to chat up with the priest as you entered the cathedral. now it was get up saunter around the house. i remember going to church frequently my seventh grade year. and then i fell out of the catholic belief system as my faith in the church deteriorated. i stopped going, and every time that i did go, it felt superficial and superfluous: christmas, easter, thanksgiving... church became synonymous with holidays, and then it became commercialized, and then it cheapened the experience. so much for god, i was thinking, i could might as well be at work right now getting paid.
atheism, then, seemed to be the most logical step in order to maximize my growth as a person as well as life experience in general. in a lot of my lowest times, in transition to becoming an "american," an adolescent, and a child to a mother (whom i had not seen until four years previous), i was doubting whether or not god could help me. everything seemed harder to do. i felt ridiculous trying to stay sane in transitioning -- i had no friends, the parent figure whom i had known for so long was literally halfway around the world, and this newfangled demand on church was straining me. the easiest thing to do and cope with was ridding myself of the worries about god, about whether or not he would consider me a good person for doing such a thing.
it hit me finally that god was something i was forced to live with. i didn't want that kind of relationship with a person, where i'm forced to spend every waking moment searching for approval and love and salvation from this imperfect life. i wanted the imperfection, i wanted the ugliness to shine, i wanted life to be life, as actual as it is, with the dirt and the guts that no one ever gets to see or hear about. i was content in knowing that sooner or later i might have to eat my words and come back to god someday, but i had to take the time to stop my ties with him and re-evaluate my life altogether. so many things were changing at once, and i couldn't handle searching for god's approval every time i did something new or out of the ordinary.
and so i am an atheist. like i said, it might change sooner or later, who knows. god can wait for me just a little bit longer because he loves me. and the fact that he does, without me even acknowledging his existence (yeah yeah, i'm being so hypocritical right now), it makes me feel good about the stance i'm taking.
marking the survey out during the lecture, sam put in "all of the above" when prompted to put your choice of religion: christian, agnostic, atheist, and other. i think i'm more in the same boat as he is, where we're constantly changing our views on the same subject.
who knows if there's a god. if there is, cool; if there's not, cool. my premise still stands: be a good person. it'll pay off in the end.
yes, i know what you're thinking. why did i go to such a lecture? in light of many things that have been happening, i decided that a relationship with such a being -- a person, i guess -- would have been really fundamental and helpful during such times of crises. not to say that i'll only look to god for crises, but the fact that he will listen at anytime and to know that someone out there doesn't care about all the false fronts i put up (if you only knew what was going on inside my head...), that someone will love me for who i am and not what i am. it's a truly beautiful thing to have such the relationship with god.
and i'm very appreciative of the level of respect that dr. craig showed to non-christians at the lecture. smack in the middle, he said, "must we believe in god in order to lead good and decent lives? no." the fact alone that he acknowledged atheistic premise made me want to get up and shake his hand. he made many good points, most of what i was brought up with (growing up roman catholic and all), that really made me re-evaluate my current religious situation.
i think somewhere around last week or two weeks ago, sam, kim and i talked about our relationships with god and religion as a whole and how it affected our lives. i recounted how i felt cheated and misled by the catholic church, smokescreening me of all the hypocrisy of the "evangelism" that they preached about. it said once to "love your neighbor," but then "stone him to death" if he ever said the lord's name in vain. or how sins, no matter how big or small, would still land you in hell. the fact that stealing a car and killing somebody would ultimately lead to the same place irked me. i know that altogether it was a different level of objective "wrongness," but still, hell is hell and that was that. salvation seemed to be impossible and unreachable, something only priests and nuns and holy people would be able to achieve.
then the whole sex scandal happened with the catholic priests. i was ashamed to say i was raised catholic when the shit hit the fan. salvation then seemed to be impossible for the holy people too -- they gave in to the temptation that was right before them, something they should have rejected so easily with the aid of god. how was a regular person like me, a daily sinner, an atheist, even, going to get saved?
what bothered me with the smokescreening and the hypocrisy was that the church never gave us reasons as to why things were the way they were. it wasn't cool to me that they were telling me to preach about being humble and modest while they were trying to remodel the church, and how church had become this routine of sit-kneel-stand-kneel-sit, and then it turned into a game of "who could donate the most money to the parish this week" which made the church look like embezzling politicians struggling to stay alive. then my church all of a sudden had to have the best wine, the best facilities, the best organ, the best pews. i didn't care, i only wanted to get close to god. and i didn't know that i had to pay a membership fee to do that.
church became an absolute joke to me once i moved to california. coming from a strict catholic background, i was surprised my mother didn't go to church as often as i was used to. every sunday morning used to be the time to look your best and have something to chat up with the priest as you entered the cathedral. now it was get up saunter around the house. i remember going to church frequently my seventh grade year. and then i fell out of the catholic belief system as my faith in the church deteriorated. i stopped going, and every time that i did go, it felt superficial and superfluous: christmas, easter, thanksgiving... church became synonymous with holidays, and then it became commercialized, and then it cheapened the experience. so much for god, i was thinking, i could might as well be at work right now getting paid.
atheism, then, seemed to be the most logical step in order to maximize my growth as a person as well as life experience in general. in a lot of my lowest times, in transition to becoming an "american," an adolescent, and a child to a mother (whom i had not seen until four years previous), i was doubting whether or not god could help me. everything seemed harder to do. i felt ridiculous trying to stay sane in transitioning -- i had no friends, the parent figure whom i had known for so long was literally halfway around the world, and this newfangled demand on church was straining me. the easiest thing to do and cope with was ridding myself of the worries about god, about whether or not he would consider me a good person for doing such a thing.
it hit me finally that god was something i was forced to live with. i didn't want that kind of relationship with a person, where i'm forced to spend every waking moment searching for approval and love and salvation from this imperfect life. i wanted the imperfection, i wanted the ugliness to shine, i wanted life to be life, as actual as it is, with the dirt and the guts that no one ever gets to see or hear about. i was content in knowing that sooner or later i might have to eat my words and come back to god someday, but i had to take the time to stop my ties with him and re-evaluate my life altogether. so many things were changing at once, and i couldn't handle searching for god's approval every time i did something new or out of the ordinary.
and so i am an atheist. like i said, it might change sooner or later, who knows. god can wait for me just a little bit longer because he loves me. and the fact that he does, without me even acknowledging his existence (yeah yeah, i'm being so hypocritical right now), it makes me feel good about the stance i'm taking.
marking the survey out during the lecture, sam put in "all of the above" when prompted to put your choice of religion: christian, agnostic, atheist, and other. i think i'm more in the same boat as he is, where we're constantly changing our views on the same subject.
who knows if there's a god. if there is, cool; if there's not, cool. my premise still stands: be a good person. it'll pay off in the end.
2.21.2003
it seems as if everything's going your way one day, and then all of a sudden, screech, turn around, and head the exact opposite. "there's nowhere to go but up" comes to mind. there really wasn't.
the past two weeks, life wanted to boot all over my face. it did. and then it kinda spread onto everything, which wasn't nice because i went about two days with mental instability. so much, in fact, that i barely talked to anyone, paid no attention in class, got no work done, and cried myself to sleep. as for what it was exactly that was making me do it, i have no clue. it was a combination of things: stress, school, responsibility, and some personal issues i was drealing with at the time. it all culminated into this glorious horrible piece of crap weekend that resulted in jacob falling off of his bed and making me realize what a dumbass i was being. i really need to thank everybody who had been looking out for me. i owe you people so much, and i don't ever believe that thank you will ever suffice.
so the week after, after that low gray area, i felt kinda better. i knew i was getting there when i started to smile again, when i started feeling good about a women's basketball game. (you can only feel so good after a women's game.) and then some nasty physical things started happening, then they culminated after chinese new year's parade, and lo and behold, i'm kinda all better. kinda. not fully recovered, mind you, i'm still sorting stuff out in my head, but good enough so that i'm not a pisshead when it comes down to things.
and on a lighter note, everyone's all of a sudden interested on what's going on between me and shereen. (alan keeps asking if i'm doing his grandma bear. and people in the house have asked me a buttload of times.) if you wanna know, ask shereen. all i can say is that we're engaged.
yeah. i'm better.
the past two weeks, life wanted to boot all over my face. it did. and then it kinda spread onto everything, which wasn't nice because i went about two days with mental instability. so much, in fact, that i barely talked to anyone, paid no attention in class, got no work done, and cried myself to sleep. as for what it was exactly that was making me do it, i have no clue. it was a combination of things: stress, school, responsibility, and some personal issues i was drealing with at the time. it all culminated into this glorious horrible piece of crap weekend that resulted in jacob falling off of his bed and making me realize what a dumbass i was being. i really need to thank everybody who had been looking out for me. i owe you people so much, and i don't ever believe that thank you will ever suffice.
so the week after, after that low gray area, i felt kinda better. i knew i was getting there when i started to smile again, when i started feeling good about a women's basketball game. (you can only feel so good after a women's game.) and then some nasty physical things started happening, then they culminated after chinese new year's parade, and lo and behold, i'm kinda all better. kinda. not fully recovered, mind you, i'm still sorting stuff out in my head, but good enough so that i'm not a pisshead when it comes down to things.
and on a lighter note, everyone's all of a sudden interested on what's going on between me and shereen. (alan keeps asking if i'm doing his grandma bear. and people in the house have asked me a buttload of times.) if you wanna know, ask shereen. all i can say is that we're engaged.
yeah. i'm better.
2.15.2003
thanks to all of you who tried to lift my spirits today. it felt very nice to feel loved -- i guess in that way, valentine's isn't so overrated.
i feel this much better, but better nonetheless.
at least now i can smile again.
i feel this much better, but better nonetheless.
at least now i can smile again.
2.14.2003
time for a stream of consciousness to get posted. i love you all.
someone pray for me
i don't believe in god and i need a favor
why do i feel like this?
i'm such a selfish punk
i need the attention
when did it start, i don't know
something like when
all of my roommates decided
to all get lives of their own
because mine is so not important
i can't imagine what i'd do to myself
if they hadn't stopped me
why do they care so much?
i don't do anything for them
i'm such a selfish punk
i don't see things other people do
i'm a jealous loner
i have friends, but i don't have them
i feel so tired
i feel so lonely
i'm so alone
what's the favor that i need
i need to change so many things
all at once
and to be not branded a fool
a poseur
be the outcast that i really am
so i don't have to cry myself to sleep
every night
everything seemed to want to fall apart
and it did
and i couldn't do anything about it
i only take my glasses off to cry
and now it seems
life goes on
insignificant little me
trying to get by
it's too quiet
why did i say that last night?
"yeah you don't say that to people
and then not come back"
that was the point
"i'm going to go kill myself"
i feel so left out in so many things
worrying about shit i don't want to
keeping up so many appearances
what they have over me kills me
because i have nothing over them
but my life
and it scares me so much what i would do with it
i can throw it away as
easily as i can keep it
i wanted to get mugged
so i could taste the blood flowing through me
feel it when i get punched in the mouth
taste the salt and the red
mixing with the spit
gasping for air
punched in all god-knows-where
left to die
bleeding and broken, undone
smiling
no one worrying about me since i have
my away message on
feel rather than express
it's hard to do
have i ever felt this way?
i don't honestly remember
i am so depressed
i don't deserve any of this
i don't deserve much
why is it so hard?
why does it hurt so much?
helpless
i am so helpless
someone pray for me
i don't believe in god and i need a favor
why do i feel like this?
i'm such a selfish punk
i need the attention
when did it start, i don't know
something like when
all of my roommates decided
to all get lives of their own
because mine is so not important
i can't imagine what i'd do to myself
if they hadn't stopped me
why do they care so much?
i don't do anything for them
i'm such a selfish punk
i don't see things other people do
i'm a jealous loner
i have friends, but i don't have them
i feel so tired
i feel so lonely
i'm so alone
what's the favor that i need
i need to change so many things
all at once
and to be not branded a fool
a poseur
be the outcast that i really am
so i don't have to cry myself to sleep
every night
everything seemed to want to fall apart
and it did
and i couldn't do anything about it
i only take my glasses off to cry
and now it seems
life goes on
insignificant little me
trying to get by
it's too quiet
why did i say that last night?
"yeah you don't say that to people
and then not come back"
that was the point
"i'm going to go kill myself"
i feel so left out in so many things
worrying about shit i don't want to
keeping up so many appearances
what they have over me kills me
because i have nothing over them
but my life
and it scares me so much what i would do with it
i can throw it away as
easily as i can keep it
i wanted to get mugged
so i could taste the blood flowing through me
feel it when i get punched in the mouth
taste the salt and the red
mixing with the spit
gasping for air
punched in all god-knows-where
left to die
bleeding and broken, undone
smiling
no one worrying about me since i have
my away message on
feel rather than express
it's hard to do
have i ever felt this way?
i don't honestly remember
i am so depressed
i don't deserve any of this
i don't deserve much
why is it so hard?
why does it hurt so much?
helpless
i am so helpless
tomato
splat.
love sucks.
and you're in the back
wringing each and every
fiber of my being
dry of existence.
smush.
love hurts.
and here you are
oblivious
to everything you know
since you assume so much.
slice
bleed
wait wait wait...
dizzy.
e v e r y
th i n g
i s
s p i
n n i n g
fa s t er an d
faster
and faster yet
stop
fall
close my eyes
everything's going to be just fine
that's what the doctor told them
click
sleep
never waking up
except in your dreams
snap
things can change so fast
splat.
love sucks.
and you're in the back
wringing each and every
fiber of my being
dry of existence.
smush.
love hurts.
and here you are
oblivious
to everything you know
since you assume so much.
slice
bleed
wait wait wait...
dizzy.
e v e r y
th i n g
i s
s p i
n n i n g
fa s t er an d
faster
and faster yet
stop
fall
close my eyes
everything's going to be just fine
that's what the doctor told them
click
sleep
never waking up
except in your dreams
snap
things can change so fast
2.12.2003
i figured my big little brother jay would eventually take on some of my little idiosyncrasies, but who knew that he would take up on some poetry? i have no clue as to when he wrote this, but i was amazed. it was a very good step into being a more well-expressed person, and only he knows the real meaning behind these works that he writes. in any case, he's the guest on the ink beat tonight, and later on i'll showcase some more of his works.
The Rock
There it stands,
the rock the peak.
Audacious toward fire
and wind yet seeks
for beings to grace its presence.
Clouds and haze cover eyes of men.
The rock, like the sky
is left for poets to mend.
THE ONE
the breeze is moist yet crisp
with the scent of sage
the pine and oak trees inundate the land
however, one i unlike the rest.
its leaves display a green
neither seen nor imagined.
scintillating, they flutter
in the morning breeze.
the trees that envelop
this magnificent yet petite one
stand enlightened,
taller than most,
absorbing its radiant glory
i have found this tree
how do i leave it?
how do take my eyes away from its beauty
how do i escape?
i don't
i won't
i will let it overwhelm me
both works © 2003 by Jay Carvin
The Rock
There it stands,
the rock the peak.
Audacious toward fire
and wind yet seeks
for beings to grace its presence.
Clouds and haze cover eyes of men.
The rock, like the sky
is left for poets to mend.
THE ONE
the breeze is moist yet crisp
with the scent of sage
the pine and oak trees inundate the land
however, one i unlike the rest.
its leaves display a green
neither seen nor imagined.
scintillating, they flutter
in the morning breeze.
the trees that envelop
this magnificent yet petite one
stand enlightened,
taller than most,
absorbing its radiant glory
i have found this tree
how do i leave it?
how do take my eyes away from its beauty
how do i escape?
i don't
i won't
i will let it overwhelm me
both works © 2003 by Jay Carvin
so.
wednesday, i'm still kinda out of it. i'm actually blogging in brh right now, which is kinda new for me. haven't used the computers in here much and it's still pretty weird sitting at rod's desk, typing up random stuff to look at and to post for the rest of the world to see. (i feel as if i'm invading a bit into the mac meeting, but that's what happens when you feel like crap and take a nice two-hour nap in the band lounge. you end up being sucked into the office and then you're here for a while.) and i love it when someone knocks on the band office's door, you can just say 'come in' then they'll try to open the door -- but it's locked -- and thus is the cal band so sadistic.
i woke up really horribly today. maybe that's what's been bothering me all of these past few hours, and then again maybe it's what's been happening to me over the course of the last week. meh. i'm trying to get myself to feel better but you know, with some things, you just have to take your time with them and just hope that some time soon they'll magically disappear.
shereen's recommendation was that of rest. uber-rest. i'm probably gonna follow her advice (since it's conducive to not going to clas tomorrow) and end up not going to mcb 61 tomorrow, but dammit, there's still friday and there's still that cursed discusion section i'm in. i swear, my gsi just needs to die. horribly. or quickly, just as long as he dies.
after today, things should feel a little better. if not, i'll puke on the next person i see wearing an ecko red shirt. that is a fashion crime. liz agrees.
and so begins my life in brh. just imagine, in about five months or so, i'll be doing shit like this all day long. maybe even longer. who knows. i might just go insane.
wednesday, i'm still kinda out of it. i'm actually blogging in brh right now, which is kinda new for me. haven't used the computers in here much and it's still pretty weird sitting at rod's desk, typing up random stuff to look at and to post for the rest of the world to see. (i feel as if i'm invading a bit into the mac meeting, but that's what happens when you feel like crap and take a nice two-hour nap in the band lounge. you end up being sucked into the office and then you're here for a while.) and i love it when someone knocks on the band office's door, you can just say 'come in' then they'll try to open the door -- but it's locked -- and thus is the cal band so sadistic.
i woke up really horribly today. maybe that's what's been bothering me all of these past few hours, and then again maybe it's what's been happening to me over the course of the last week. meh. i'm trying to get myself to feel better but you know, with some things, you just have to take your time with them and just hope that some time soon they'll magically disappear.
shereen's recommendation was that of rest. uber-rest. i'm probably gonna follow her advice (since it's conducive to not going to clas tomorrow) and end up not going to mcb 61 tomorrow, but dammit, there's still friday and there's still that cursed discusion section i'm in. i swear, my gsi just needs to die. horribly. or quickly, just as long as he dies.
after today, things should feel a little better. if not, i'll puke on the next person i see wearing an ecko red shirt. that is a fashion crime. liz agrees.
and so begins my life in brh. just imagine, in about five months or so, i'll be doing shit like this all day long. maybe even longer. who knows. i might just go insane.
2.10.2003
why is it that whenever i'm feeling so down, everyone around me seems to rally together and get me back up to where i was? not that i mind or anything. it's actually extremely cool to have all your friends around you trying to lift your spirits. and when they do, you feel all warm and tingly inside, and you smile a lot more, and everything is magically better. how do they do it? i don't know. ask the pigeons.
i felt like i talked my mouth off over the weekend. there were some things that needed to be said, and some things that needed to be heard, and some things that needed to get off my chest. there was talk about religion, loneliness, band, ice cream, collegiate a capella groups, the ring, what made me decide to go to cal, new york, problems of the typical college student, lethargy, french, burritos, real chicken, aaron copland, drum corps, men's basketball, women's basketball, shoes, laundry, burgers, boba, brh, cymbals, self-esteem, ex-boyfriends, kissing the pot, height measurement, html, dinner-comm, coloring, the basics of unix, water, not doing the reading for mcb 61 just quite yet, linguistics, and the ever-so-confusing question of what's for dinner. it felt great to purge things out of my system, as if they had been gnawing on my insides and been trying to slow me down ever since i heard about them.
and in the process i might have pissed a few people off. sorry, i tend to get crazy when i need an upper. and when the right people come along, i go insane.
m: so i woke up with a nosebleed today.
j: well, it's a good thing you're not a hemophiliac.
i told you my roommates are cool.
and with that, the semester gets more challenging. homework is starting to pile up, my first midterm is in less than two weeks, it's getting harder to understand my portuguese gsis, i'm getting less and less sleep, and band is taking up a lot of time. like sam said, in college, there are three key things: sleep, a social life, and academics -- you need the three, but you can only have two at a time.
and two at a time it is. i had four hours of sleep this morning. and i'll be damned if i do it again tonight.
so a word of warning: don't give me caffeine pills. instead, give me the money you were intending to spend on the caffeine pills so i can spend it on some mondo gelato. mmmm. tiramisu and bacio. mmmm.
i felt like i talked my mouth off over the weekend. there were some things that needed to be said, and some things that needed to be heard, and some things that needed to get off my chest. there was talk about religion, loneliness, band, ice cream, collegiate a capella groups, the ring, what made me decide to go to cal, new york, problems of the typical college student, lethargy, french, burritos, real chicken, aaron copland, drum corps, men's basketball, women's basketball, shoes, laundry, burgers, boba, brh, cymbals, self-esteem, ex-boyfriends, kissing the pot, height measurement, html, dinner-comm, coloring, the basics of unix, water, not doing the reading for mcb 61 just quite yet, linguistics, and the ever-so-confusing question of what's for dinner. it felt great to purge things out of my system, as if they had been gnawing on my insides and been trying to slow me down ever since i heard about them.
and in the process i might have pissed a few people off. sorry, i tend to get crazy when i need an upper. and when the right people come along, i go insane.
m: so i woke up with a nosebleed today.
j: well, it's a good thing you're not a hemophiliac.
i told you my roommates are cool.
and with that, the semester gets more challenging. homework is starting to pile up, my first midterm is in less than two weeks, it's getting harder to understand my portuguese gsis, i'm getting less and less sleep, and band is taking up a lot of time. like sam said, in college, there are three key things: sleep, a social life, and academics -- you need the three, but you can only have two at a time.
and two at a time it is. i had four hours of sleep this morning. and i'll be damned if i do it again tonight.
so a word of warning: don't give me caffeine pills. instead, give me the money you were intending to spend on the caffeine pills so i can spend it on some mondo gelato. mmmm. tiramisu and bacio. mmmm.
2.07.2003
mango
hearts are so easily broken.
take mine as your subway token
to the underground where you'll see
it's hard to love.
i feel so alone up here above
the floor.
calypso sunsets start the night
which taste of sweet air
and blind persistence.
a kiss, a caress, an embrace
in those arms,
on that face,
smell the summer warmth in
the auburn hair.
your eyes are so green
waiting to ripen
under the humid noon sun.
and the subway keeps going underground
waiting for people.
is this fleeting?
he laughs.
she smiles.
the harmonious laughter echoes
and another heart is broken.
so easy, and so tough.
underneath that pale exterior
the subway runs
and waits for broken hearts.
how you can't split them in half
but in thirds:
one for you
one for the other
and the last piece utterly destroyed
lost forever in
a stream of consciousness
in the lilting summer
devoured by forgetfulness
banished by common sense.
how we wish to get it back,
but we never can.
so easy, yet so tough.
love can be so rough.
hearts are so easily broken.
take mine as your subway token
to the underground where you'll see
it's hard to love.
i feel so alone up here above
the floor.
calypso sunsets start the night
which taste of sweet air
and blind persistence.
a kiss, a caress, an embrace
in those arms,
on that face,
smell the summer warmth in
the auburn hair.
your eyes are so green
waiting to ripen
under the humid noon sun.
and the subway keeps going underground
waiting for people.
is this fleeting?
he laughs.
she smiles.
the harmonious laughter echoes
and another heart is broken.
so easy, and so tough.
underneath that pale exterior
the subway runs
and waits for broken hearts.
how you can't split them in half
but in thirds:
one for you
one for the other
and the last piece utterly destroyed
lost forever in
a stream of consciousness
in the lilting summer
devoured by forgetfulness
banished by common sense.
how we wish to get it back,
but we never can.
so easy, yet so tough.
love can be so rough.
2.06.2003
more and more things have been on my mind lately. i don't know why that is... i have a hard-copy journal that i write in at least once a day that tends to clear my mind out often, but lately, so many things have just been going on. maybe it's the spring semester, maybe it's that i'm a lot more alone this time around, and maybe it's that i worry too much for other people a lot more than i do for myself.
it's hard, writing. sometimes whenever i'm typing here i feel as if i have to impress people. i get my share of compliments and complaints, believe me, i appreciate them a lot. it's just kind of weird trying to write something that you know other people are gonna read, and hope to whatever that their opinions about you as a person don't change. it's tough, it's like keeping up a lie. only it's not, because you're really just revealing more of yourself in the process. sometimes, people can't accept the fact that you're changing. and you can't doing anything about it much, because change itself is innately inevitable.
what things are on my mind, you ask? an eclectic mix of things. like, how my future is going to play out now that music is out of the picture in the pursuit of a major. i'm actually reshaping my schedule so i can major in both cognitive science and spanish / portuguese, but it's really just crossing my fingers and hoping that my schedule works. i'm hoping it does, and i'm hoping band isn't going to be a big factor in making that decision. but it is. and it kinda really sucks knowing that i might have to give up one in pursuit of the other. you're probably thinking, well, that's not that big a deal, but it really is. there's so much that goes into doing what you love. and therein lies that difference. i like being in this university, but i love being in this band. you probably will never get to experience the full-on band-dork inside of me, but trust me, it's there, and it gets giddy when someone talks about marching 8-per-5 or hell, even uniform logistics. i love band, i don't think i'll ever be able to give it up (until, of course, i myself become an alumnus of this university, at which point i will voluntarily quit and say, 'that was a good experience, now i'll try something new,' because seriously, i have so much more things to do. and yeah, FTA).
another thing is all this time i'm finding in my hands. five minutes here or there, a half-hour here, a spare minute there. it's amazing when you don't have marching rehearsal anymore: you don't have to hike all the way up to maxwell / kleeberger (what the hell DO you call that place?), and all of a sudden you have two more hours everyday to study and do homework and basically get shit done. it's nice. and then again, it kinda gets lonely.
ah yes, lonely. as i revel in the happiness that my roommates revel in, it kinda makes me a bit uncomfortable. it's great to see people in love, or at least happy. it's a good feeling. but i can't help feeling as if i'm a third or fifth wheel all the time. when we go out to go eat, or walk down for class, or even just go downstairs -- you don't realize a sidewalk only has enough space for two people walking either side on either direction until you're caught in the middle. then you realize you have to step back and let them walk ahead of you, while you listen to the thoughts in your head remind you just one more time that you're alone in that moment. and there are thise times when i'm the only one in my room, all of the roommates gone, and i'm left pondering my existence because i feel as if i'm a burden had i gone along with any of them. and then i feel like a selfish punk, and then i shut up and go downstairs and read. i hate silence.
which is precisely why i'm loving my classes so much. all of my classes involve people with very distinct voices -- you know, those voices you hear on the street and would never forget. the way my spanish professor talks with his deep baritone voice always illicits the stares in the morning. the way valeria and cesar smoothly demonstrate the portuguese language to their students makes us swoon and wonder how they speak such a beautiful tongue. the way adam jokes around in spanish, and how we are all entertained by his obsession with shakira. it's nice to hear voices in class, not just droning monotony about the past state of an obsolete country or the chemical properties of neurotransmitters. my classmates are very vocal, very forceful in their manners of speech, it's nice. and it's always a plus when you can eat tons of candy in the middle of mcb lecture, and your professor can't care less about what your doing since he has seven hundred forty other kids to worry about.
and worry about other kids, i do too much. my best friend megan, i am glad to say, i am keeping in touch with more often. nate, in fullerton, doing his thing. the rest of the honors crowd, in their own little bubbles now of college life. the high school friends, oh my goodness, the high school friends... sometimes i wish i could just magically pull one of them out of my pocket and give them a hug, but i can't. (i miss you guys a lot.) then there are my roommates. communal living gives the term "sharing space" a whole new meaning.
and here's where i bag on my roommates. (no, just kidding. okay, maybe a little.) some people would kill to have roommates like mine. (i know, you're jealous. they don't bite, plus they wash behind their ears.) they're so cool, i'm eternally grateful to whoever configured our living situation as such. little nitpicky things grow on you, they really do. like how brian never wakes up to his own alarm clock (but wakes up magically to daniel's, which sounds exactly the same), or how he sits precariously on his computer chair, or how he sleeps routinely at 2.30 in the morning. and then there's daniel, with his headphones perpetually over his ears, or how he applies his moisturizing fungicidal anti-bacterial creams after he takes his showers, or how he walks around naked the fifteen minutes before and after his shower. and of course, there's jacob, who sometimes giggles and mumbles "hi angela" in his sleep, has his own pile of stuff in the room (besides me!), and how he types with just his index fingers as he sits on just the back two legs of his chair. yeah, my roommates are cool. we listen to "groovy music" (as daniel puts it) together, we play videogames together, we watch movies together. and then two of them have girlfriends, and one's a computer science major. and that's how i'm left alone in the room.
which brings us back to silence. at around this time in the room, the only noises you'll hear will be daniel flipping pages of his integrative biology readers, brian clacking away on his keyboard, jacob either clicking away on his mouse or whispering sweet nothings to angela. or angela whispering back those sweet nothings. and i'm left to ponder at the foot of the bunk about how and why, in silence, about this crazy life of mine. and no, i've not nearly expressed as much of what's in my mind so far. but i need to get back to being productive, since otherwise i won't be out of here in the four-and-a-half years i'm planning to be.
too many things on my mind. and i'm only in the spring semester of my freshman year.
this is good.
it's hard, writing. sometimes whenever i'm typing here i feel as if i have to impress people. i get my share of compliments and complaints, believe me, i appreciate them a lot. it's just kind of weird trying to write something that you know other people are gonna read, and hope to whatever that their opinions about you as a person don't change. it's tough, it's like keeping up a lie. only it's not, because you're really just revealing more of yourself in the process. sometimes, people can't accept the fact that you're changing. and you can't doing anything about it much, because change itself is innately inevitable.
what things are on my mind, you ask? an eclectic mix of things. like, how my future is going to play out now that music is out of the picture in the pursuit of a major. i'm actually reshaping my schedule so i can major in both cognitive science and spanish / portuguese, but it's really just crossing my fingers and hoping that my schedule works. i'm hoping it does, and i'm hoping band isn't going to be a big factor in making that decision. but it is. and it kinda really sucks knowing that i might have to give up one in pursuit of the other. you're probably thinking, well, that's not that big a deal, but it really is. there's so much that goes into doing what you love. and therein lies that difference. i like being in this university, but i love being in this band. you probably will never get to experience the full-on band-dork inside of me, but trust me, it's there, and it gets giddy when someone talks about marching 8-per-5 or hell, even uniform logistics. i love band, i don't think i'll ever be able to give it up (until, of course, i myself become an alumnus of this university, at which point i will voluntarily quit and say, 'that was a good experience, now i'll try something new,' because seriously, i have so much more things to do. and yeah, FTA).
another thing is all this time i'm finding in my hands. five minutes here or there, a half-hour here, a spare minute there. it's amazing when you don't have marching rehearsal anymore: you don't have to hike all the way up to maxwell / kleeberger (what the hell DO you call that place?), and all of a sudden you have two more hours everyday to study and do homework and basically get shit done. it's nice. and then again, it kinda gets lonely.
ah yes, lonely. as i revel in the happiness that my roommates revel in, it kinda makes me a bit uncomfortable. it's great to see people in love, or at least happy. it's a good feeling. but i can't help feeling as if i'm a third or fifth wheel all the time. when we go out to go eat, or walk down for class, or even just go downstairs -- you don't realize a sidewalk only has enough space for two people walking either side on either direction until you're caught in the middle. then you realize you have to step back and let them walk ahead of you, while you listen to the thoughts in your head remind you just one more time that you're alone in that moment. and there are thise times when i'm the only one in my room, all of the roommates gone, and i'm left pondering my existence because i feel as if i'm a burden had i gone along with any of them. and then i feel like a selfish punk, and then i shut up and go downstairs and read. i hate silence.
which is precisely why i'm loving my classes so much. all of my classes involve people with very distinct voices -- you know, those voices you hear on the street and would never forget. the way my spanish professor talks with his deep baritone voice always illicits the stares in the morning. the way valeria and cesar smoothly demonstrate the portuguese language to their students makes us swoon and wonder how they speak such a beautiful tongue. the way adam jokes around in spanish, and how we are all entertained by his obsession with shakira. it's nice to hear voices in class, not just droning monotony about the past state of an obsolete country or the chemical properties of neurotransmitters. my classmates are very vocal, very forceful in their manners of speech, it's nice. and it's always a plus when you can eat tons of candy in the middle of mcb lecture, and your professor can't care less about what your doing since he has seven hundred forty other kids to worry about.
and worry about other kids, i do too much. my best friend megan, i am glad to say, i am keeping in touch with more often. nate, in fullerton, doing his thing. the rest of the honors crowd, in their own little bubbles now of college life. the high school friends, oh my goodness, the high school friends... sometimes i wish i could just magically pull one of them out of my pocket and give them a hug, but i can't. (i miss you guys a lot.) then there are my roommates. communal living gives the term "sharing space" a whole new meaning.
and here's where i bag on my roommates. (no, just kidding. okay, maybe a little.) some people would kill to have roommates like mine. (i know, you're jealous. they don't bite, plus they wash behind their ears.) they're so cool, i'm eternally grateful to whoever configured our living situation as such. little nitpicky things grow on you, they really do. like how brian never wakes up to his own alarm clock (but wakes up magically to daniel's, which sounds exactly the same), or how he sits precariously on his computer chair, or how he sleeps routinely at 2.30 in the morning. and then there's daniel, with his headphones perpetually over his ears, or how he applies his moisturizing fungicidal anti-bacterial creams after he takes his showers, or how he walks around naked the fifteen minutes before and after his shower. and of course, there's jacob, who sometimes giggles and mumbles "hi angela" in his sleep, has his own pile of stuff in the room (besides me!), and how he types with just his index fingers as he sits on just the back two legs of his chair. yeah, my roommates are cool. we listen to "groovy music" (as daniel puts it) together, we play videogames together, we watch movies together. and then two of them have girlfriends, and one's a computer science major. and that's how i'm left alone in the room.
which brings us back to silence. at around this time in the room, the only noises you'll hear will be daniel flipping pages of his integrative biology readers, brian clacking away on his keyboard, jacob either clicking away on his mouse or whispering sweet nothings to angela. or angela whispering back those sweet nothings. and i'm left to ponder at the foot of the bunk about how and why, in silence, about this crazy life of mine. and no, i've not nearly expressed as much of what's in my mind so far. but i need to get back to being productive, since otherwise i won't be out of here in the four-and-a-half years i'm planning to be.
too many things on my mind. and i'm only in the spring semester of my freshman year.
this is good.
2.02.2003
garota da ipanema - variações
i. a original
olha que coisa mais linda
mais cheia de graça
é a ela menina
que vem e que passa
num doce balanço, a caminho do mar
moça do corpo dourado
do sol de ipanema
o seu balançado
é mais que um poema
é a coisa mais linda
que eu já vi passar
ah, por que estou tão sozinho
ah, por que tudo é tão triste
ah, a beleza que existe
a beleza que não é só minha
que também passa sozinha
ah, se ela soubesse
que quando ela passa
o mundo sourrindo se enche de graça
e fica mais lindo
por causa do amor
ii. a canção em inglês
tall and tan and young and lovely
the girl from ipanema goes walking
and when she passes
each one she passes goes, ah
when she walks she's like a samba
that swings so cool
and sways so gently
that when she passes
each one she passes goes, ah
oh, but he watches so sadly
how can he tell her he loves her
yes, he would give his heart gladly
but each day when she walks through the scene
she looks straight ahead, not at him
tall and tan and young and lovely
the girl from ipanema goes walking
and when she passes
he smiles but she doesn't see
she just doesn't see...
iii. o moço
só estava olhando
que está nessa praia
quando ela caminha
que vi a beleza
uma pérola branca, no centro do mar
olho a coisa mais linda
e a sua luz que brilha
e tudo não importa
por que ela não é sozinha
mas que nada eu lhe quero amar
ah, si eu tenho a coragem
ah, meu coração quer um viagem
ah, sou covarde horrível
um covarde que não tem aceitado
que é possível não ser calado
na próxima vez que ela passa
vou estar mais educado
vou sourrir e vou apresentarme
e fico namorado
como ela passa...
i. a original
olha que coisa mais linda
mais cheia de graça
é a ela menina
que vem e que passa
num doce balanço, a caminho do mar
moça do corpo dourado
do sol de ipanema
o seu balançado
é mais que um poema
é a coisa mais linda
que eu já vi passar
ah, por que estou tão sozinho
ah, por que tudo é tão triste
ah, a beleza que existe
a beleza que não é só minha
que também passa sozinha
ah, se ela soubesse
que quando ela passa
o mundo sourrindo se enche de graça
e fica mais lindo
por causa do amor
ii. a canção em inglês
tall and tan and young and lovely
the girl from ipanema goes walking
and when she passes
each one she passes goes, ah
when she walks she's like a samba
that swings so cool
and sways so gently
that when she passes
each one she passes goes, ah
oh, but he watches so sadly
how can he tell her he loves her
yes, he would give his heart gladly
but each day when she walks through the scene
she looks straight ahead, not at him
tall and tan and young and lovely
the girl from ipanema goes walking
and when she passes
he smiles but she doesn't see
she just doesn't see...
iii. o moço
só estava olhando
que está nessa praia
quando ela caminha
que vi a beleza
uma pérola branca, no centro do mar
olho a coisa mais linda
e a sua luz que brilha
e tudo não importa
por que ela não é sozinha
mas que nada eu lhe quero amar
ah, si eu tenho a coragem
ah, meu coração quer um viagem
ah, sou covarde horrível
um covarde que não tem aceitado
que é possível não ser calado
na próxima vez que ela passa
vou estar mais educado
vou sourrir e vou apresentarme
e fico namorado
como ela passa...
you feel so small sometimes
miguel
- 21.08.84
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