migblog

this

is so fucking hard.

posted by Open Source Food @ 12:49 AM 1 comments

that's it

jon's en route to new york, and the apartment is eerily quiet.

that's all, folks.

posted by Open Source Food @ 8:58 AM 1 comments

growing the f*ck up

there used to be a point in time when i checked everyone's blogs and xangas and facebook profiles with a strange religious and fanatical fervor, but now i've found doing my last run-through that i feel so oddly disconnected to these people i used to see every waking moment, people i used to pour heart and soul to.

i find myself in the midst of life-altering changes, some that i really don't want to confront but some i eagerly await. friends that i do see don't know any better; they'd think i was just being coy with my smile on my face or my off-hand comments. it usually ends up looking and seeming that way, but as i'm sure you know, my brain never really works quite like that.

my parents and i used to be able to talk about anything and everything, but the last time i talked to them was when i went back during winter break. my brother and i used to see each other close to every weekend, but now i barely see him, let alone talk to him over the phone. is this growing up? i hope that in that equation, growing up doesn't mean losing touch with what you've based your life on.

i used to be able to rattle off for so long, but everything seems so punctuated - i was so opinionated, so brash, so nerve-wracked. now i feel as if i don't even have time to do that, the spare moments of my life slowly creeping up to me when i cut corners or find myself engaged in something so distracting it detracts from my goal in the first place. i don't feel any more different than a few months ago, but on the same token, i feel so disengaged from my surroundings that it's hard to measure what's real anymore.

in the span of a mere few weeks, good, loyal friends have become mere memories, pictures on my computer screen. i remember the sounds of their voices, their laughs, the way they used to call my name in earnest to get my attention. i have their phone numbers on my phone, but they sit idly, knowing full well that what awaits on the other side is a misguided misstep in communication.

i used to see you people everyday but now i don't, and yes, as much as i hate to admit it, i've changed, and i don't have the same capacity to think on my feet and passionately accomplish what i've set to do. it makes me look bad and feel bad that i'm letting you down, but can i help it when i need time to myself? i feel like i'm defending a lost cause, like you're never going to listen to anything i say anyway.

lost would be an inappropriate word. in the scheme of all of this, i don't feel lost; instead, i feel rather discombobulated. over the next few months, what's going to happen? will we drift further apart? will we make the concerted effort to follow through with our friendships? will we lose what we've built up over the past four years? it really feels eviscerating knowing that everyone will try to make the big effort, but no one even bothers for the simple time of the little effort. and by the time we figure out that we really should have tried, it'll be too damn late.

not to demean any of our friendships, but everything being tenuous makes me reconsider. it is ironic that we're all separating and going our own ways in about three months, but i feel like we're already there.

is it growing up? is it the real world? is it what we're all afraid of?

when i look in the mirror, sometimes i scare myself. honestly. i feel like i barely know myself anymore. i used to be so accessible to other people. i used to not care about what other people said. but now that it's as if i don't know these people, let alone myself, how the hell do i go around parading as if i'm better than you when i've got so much more insecurity hanging out of my pocket that i can barely even function?

time doesn't help in these instances. pretty soon days turn into weeks that meld together, congealing into memories that become so diluted and convoluted that sometimes, i really don't want to remember them anymore.

the questions just keep coming as time passes. the seconds tick away and every one that adds on seems to tick off just how much more anxious i am about the next and the unseen.

in a week my life becomes totally different. three years of myself will seem as if they never happened, like it was plucked unripe from the tree.

my heart leaves me.

true to form, i'm going to act as if nothing happened, where in probable reality you will see my coy smile masking a deep emptiness while attempting to stifle tears from running down my already-raw cheeks from crying the night before.

i have to ask why, but i feel like i'm just begging the question.

my hands grow colder. my hair shows a bit more white. i shiver; i panic. what the hell is going on?

where the hell is everybody i love?

posted by Open Source Food @ 10:38 PM 7 comments

HA

i'm still alive.

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remember that i used to host a website through ocf? well it's still there, and so go check it out and tell me what you think.

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CHEZ PANISSE!

posted by Open Source Food @ 9:48 PM 0 comments