I AM ON PR-COMM.
::giant sigh of relief and rush of adrenaline as miguel rushes around the house looking for something to tear apart and/or hug at the same time::
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
migblog
12.30.2003
and i'm back in anaheim.
my aunts went crazy when they saw me because it was the first time they've seen me in close to a year. last time i was here it was also around christmas (woo for being here a week in the summer).
it's not as bad as i thought, except that the headache i always get because of the air down here is back, and i am also somewhat dehydrated. the computer's been downgraded, there's no kazaa or aim, but a big plus is the giant tv in my room with seven hundred sixty five channels of entertainment bliss. i haven't watched tv in so long, and the channels on command are comedy central, hbo, and goddamn, spike tv.
it's cool, though, since in about an hour or so i'll be meeting up with really good old friends and having breakfast with them, and to do that after not having met up at all since june of this year feels really good. hopefully in the hour or so that we're trying to get things together they'll get together, so woo.
on another note, if you're headed towards my place for the new year's shindig, drop me an email so i can send you an address.
man, i'm back... when's the stress going to come?
my aunts went crazy when they saw me because it was the first time they've seen me in close to a year. last time i was here it was also around christmas (woo for being here a week in the summer).
it's not as bad as i thought, except that the headache i always get because of the air down here is back, and i am also somewhat dehydrated. the computer's been downgraded, there's no kazaa or aim, but a big plus is the giant tv in my room with seven hundred sixty five channels of entertainment bliss. i haven't watched tv in so long, and the channels on command are comedy central, hbo, and goddamn, spike tv.
it's cool, though, since in about an hour or so i'll be meeting up with really good old friends and having breakfast with them, and to do that after not having met up at all since june of this year feels really good. hopefully in the hour or so that we're trying to get things together they'll get together, so woo.
on another note, if you're headed towards my place for the new year's shindig, drop me an email so i can send you an address.
man, i'm back... when's the stress going to come?
12.29.2003
home in t-minus five hours (give or take a few minutes).
yay for flying in (over?) the rain! and of course, catching up with folks tonight when i get back, you silly kids.
one of the best christmases ever. thanks to everyone who made this a definite december to remember.
rose parade two thousand four, here we come!
and we're off!
yay for flying in (over?) the rain! and of course, catching up with folks tonight when i get back, you silly kids.
one of the best christmases ever. thanks to everyone who made this a definite december to remember.
rose parade two thousand four, here we come!
and we're off!
12.27.2003
what i really liked about the past two days was the lack of sleep. after writing the previous post, david and i have basically been up for an absurdly long time. in fact, i just got up from taking a long nap from ten o'clock this morning.
the depressing foursome (ie, kat, chappy, david and i) -- the four southern californians who didn't go back home for christmas -- went to the bruno family pasghetti-fest, and soon after, after cleaning ourselves up, we went to the city and gallivanted like crazy.
i must say, it was one of the most memorable christmases i have ever spent.
we reached montgomery station, and headed towards the loews cineplex in the metreon. there was yerba buena gardens to traipse around in first. (that park is too pretty.) then, the first showing we wanted to see was sold out, so we decided to romp around san francisco.
first stop: the argent hotel, thirty-sixth floor. the view was pretty cool, and then i grabbed some stationery to write guerrilla messages on.
soon we found ourselves in the view lounge of the marriott, up thirty-nine floors and a breathtaking view of san francisco as the sun was just about to set. we could see everything, from moma a few blocks away, the bridge, and glimpses of the berkeley campus, like the hearst greek theatre and memorial stadium. after that, we ended up at the concierge, and next thing you know, we're in a cab headed towards alamo square (yay david popping his taxi cherry).
and what's in alamo square, you ask? postcard row. if you've ever seen full house, it's the row of houses right behind them in the picnic scene. it was actually really really beautiful, since the city itself was comfortably placed behind the landscape. we were going to try and figure out which one was the house they actually used for the show, so we talked to some of the owners of the houses, until the owner of the fifth house from the left invited us in (!!!) and chatted us up when he found out we were from berkeley. his mother, apparently, had gone to cal in the fifties, and when she found out that we were all cal bandsmen, she said her favorite song was "palms." (you wouldn't think that it's due to the fact that pappy waldorf was coaching around the time she was at cal, do you?)
after that, we headed on west on hayes street, eventually making our way onto grove street. it was the most shady area we could walk past, with broken glass all over, as well as the heil-santas and apartment number six-six-six. we even found a da corner in the middle of ghetto-tastic.
we kept heading west, when we eventually hit city hall, symphony hall, and the opera house. the civic center is magnificent when it's lit up at night.
so we headed north on van ness to hit the amc, and when we got there, the show was sold out again. hmm. the other side of downtown san francisco, we got pretty well acquainted with. it was cool seeing all these shops open on christmas night. and it made for good times when we were hungry as fuck and decided to go to chinatown for dinner.
we headed west on washington to make chinatown, but once again, shadiness got the better of us. up hills, down hills, awesome views of the bridge and the bay, an enclave of fire escapes near leavenworth. we realized were kinda lost when we saw the intersection of washington and larkin, and most of us realized that "where the fuck are we" was an appropriate response. what ended up happening was david and chappy jumped some parking meters, we got booted out of the cable car garage, and we ended up in this really noisy restaurant called the great oriental (i was thinking, this is a hiro hiraiwa restaurant?), where the food was good, the atmosphere loud, and the service horrible.
after that, we headed down geary to make our way to the chinatown gate and back to the financial district. lots and lots of pictures ensued, and then we decided to head to the meteron again to catch a different movie.
when we got there, the showing was sold out again, so we went around yerba buena gardens at night, with all the trees lit up and the fountains turned off. there were some potsmokers on the top level, couples strewn about the park, and the ambient environment perfect. not too cold, not too hot -- just right.
deciding, then, that going back to berkeley was not yet an option, the four of us aimed our sights at union square. the christmas tree was hugegantic, expressly outshadowing the menorah that most everyone ignored. we then went to the elevators of the westin st. francis, staying up at the thirty-first floor for a while to take in the magnificent view of the shopping centre.
and then, the lobby of the westin st. francis knew all of our deep, dark secrets. just between the four of us it wouldn't even appear to be anything, but it was somewhat shocking to hear secrets from all these people. it was good. it was something that cemented the day and made it into an amazing christmas wassailfest.
we headed back to berkeley on bart (our third bart ride in twenty-four hours) and decided that we'll be up all night. david and chris came over to not sleep, and soon after, we were headed towards brh and soon, phoenix.
the airport was much not crowded, and the plane ride was less than eventful. we got to phoenix, rehearsed in tempe, and dawdled until the game arrived.
pregame was pretty cool, hearing an entire stadium of fans yelling grrrahs and spelling out california.
the game itself was close, and needlessly overly emotional. but it reminded me of the u$c game, so close, and decided yet again by the power of tyler fredrickson's foot. fifty-two to forty-nine, the bears won an amazing bowl game. at the end, chris murphy and vincent strang conducted us both to big c and fight. those guys are so cool.
people were crying afterwards, while we were singing all hail. it was definitely a moment to behold.
the second years, i think, had a wonderful time in arizona as we hated the denny's and loved the alcohol. there was no sleep, since call time was about five hours after we had arrived from bank one ballpark, and everyone had decided to stay awake.
i had a blast with you guys.
the plane ride was again uneventful, and the bus ride was too quiet.
after a long, well-deserved eight hours of sleep, i got up, now waiting for the shb to finish so i can do some more stuff as the city empties out. i go back to southern california on monday afternoon.
this has been a most memorable seventy-two hours. and whatever it is we took out of it, we won't be stopping it anytime soon.
y'all are awesome. if i don't see you then, have a great new year.
i feel it in my fingers. i feel it in my toes.
orange mocha frappucino!
the depressing foursome (ie, kat, chappy, david and i) -- the four southern californians who didn't go back home for christmas -- went to the bruno family pasghetti-fest, and soon after, after cleaning ourselves up, we went to the city and gallivanted like crazy.
i must say, it was one of the most memorable christmases i have ever spent.
we reached montgomery station, and headed towards the loews cineplex in the metreon. there was yerba buena gardens to traipse around in first. (that park is too pretty.) then, the first showing we wanted to see was sold out, so we decided to romp around san francisco.
first stop: the argent hotel, thirty-sixth floor. the view was pretty cool, and then i grabbed some stationery to write guerrilla messages on.
soon we found ourselves in the view lounge of the marriott, up thirty-nine floors and a breathtaking view of san francisco as the sun was just about to set. we could see everything, from moma a few blocks away, the bridge, and glimpses of the berkeley campus, like the hearst greek theatre and memorial stadium. after that, we ended up at the concierge, and next thing you know, we're in a cab headed towards alamo square (yay david popping his taxi cherry).
and what's in alamo square, you ask? postcard row. if you've ever seen full house, it's the row of houses right behind them in the picnic scene. it was actually really really beautiful, since the city itself was comfortably placed behind the landscape. we were going to try and figure out which one was the house they actually used for the show, so we talked to some of the owners of the houses, until the owner of the fifth house from the left invited us in (!!!) and chatted us up when he found out we were from berkeley. his mother, apparently, had gone to cal in the fifties, and when she found out that we were all cal bandsmen, she said her favorite song was "palms." (you wouldn't think that it's due to the fact that pappy waldorf was coaching around the time she was at cal, do you?)
after that, we headed on west on hayes street, eventually making our way onto grove street. it was the most shady area we could walk past, with broken glass all over, as well as the heil-santas and apartment number six-six-six. we even found a da corner in the middle of ghetto-tastic.
we kept heading west, when we eventually hit city hall, symphony hall, and the opera house. the civic center is magnificent when it's lit up at night.
so we headed north on van ness to hit the amc, and when we got there, the show was sold out again. hmm. the other side of downtown san francisco, we got pretty well acquainted with. it was cool seeing all these shops open on christmas night. and it made for good times when we were hungry as fuck and decided to go to chinatown for dinner.
we headed west on washington to make chinatown, but once again, shadiness got the better of us. up hills, down hills, awesome views of the bridge and the bay, an enclave of fire escapes near leavenworth. we realized were kinda lost when we saw the intersection of washington and larkin, and most of us realized that "where the fuck are we" was an appropriate response. what ended up happening was david and chappy jumped some parking meters, we got booted out of the cable car garage, and we ended up in this really noisy restaurant called the great oriental (i was thinking, this is a hiro hiraiwa restaurant?), where the food was good, the atmosphere loud, and the service horrible.
after that, we headed down geary to make our way to the chinatown gate and back to the financial district. lots and lots of pictures ensued, and then we decided to head to the meteron again to catch a different movie.
when we got there, the showing was sold out again, so we went around yerba buena gardens at night, with all the trees lit up and the fountains turned off. there were some potsmokers on the top level, couples strewn about the park, and the ambient environment perfect. not too cold, not too hot -- just right.
deciding, then, that going back to berkeley was not yet an option, the four of us aimed our sights at union square. the christmas tree was hugegantic, expressly outshadowing the menorah that most everyone ignored. we then went to the elevators of the westin st. francis, staying up at the thirty-first floor for a while to take in the magnificent view of the shopping centre.
and then, the lobby of the westin st. francis knew all of our deep, dark secrets. just between the four of us it wouldn't even appear to be anything, but it was somewhat shocking to hear secrets from all these people. it was good. it was something that cemented the day and made it into an amazing christmas wassailfest.
we headed back to berkeley on bart (our third bart ride in twenty-four hours) and decided that we'll be up all night. david and chris came over to not sleep, and soon after, we were headed towards brh and soon, phoenix.
the airport was much not crowded, and the plane ride was less than eventful. we got to phoenix, rehearsed in tempe, and dawdled until the game arrived.
pregame was pretty cool, hearing an entire stadium of fans yelling grrrahs and spelling out california.
the game itself was close, and needlessly overly emotional. but it reminded me of the u$c game, so close, and decided yet again by the power of tyler fredrickson's foot. fifty-two to forty-nine, the bears won an amazing bowl game. at the end, chris murphy and vincent strang conducted us both to big c and fight. those guys are so cool.
people were crying afterwards, while we were singing all hail. it was definitely a moment to behold.
the second years, i think, had a wonderful time in arizona as we hated the denny's and loved the alcohol. there was no sleep, since call time was about five hours after we had arrived from bank one ballpark, and everyone had decided to stay awake.
i had a blast with you guys.
the plane ride was again uneventful, and the bus ride was too quiet.
after a long, well-deserved eight hours of sleep, i got up, now waiting for the shb to finish so i can do some more stuff as the city empties out. i go back to southern california on monday afternoon.
this has been a most memorable seventy-two hours. and whatever it is we took out of it, we won't be stopping it anytime soon.
y'all are awesome. if i don't see you then, have a great new year.
i feel it in my fingers. i feel it in my toes.
orange mocha frappucino!
12.25.2003
surreal: christmas at the hayward bart station, after a marvelous pasghetti-fest with the brunos and a cool christmas pageant at castro valley.
more surreal: staying up this late, nothing to do, david and i twiddling our thumbs on christmas.
most surreal: in about twenty-four hours, we'll both be on a bus headed towards san francisco international airport to go to phoenix.
still surreal: no sleep, starting on the night of the twenty-fifth, consecutively until the evening of the twenty-seventh.
wish it weren't real: moving all my stuff to angel's.
groundingly real: grandma's got cancer, her lungs collapsed. she's doing better. dad's still in the philippines; haven't heard from him since september.
wish this were real: seeing longtime friends. bastards don't say hi.
ridiculously tangible: drunkenness.
today: merry christmas, everyone, from berkeley to everywhere.
i love you all.
more surreal: staying up this late, nothing to do, david and i twiddling our thumbs on christmas.
most surreal: in about twenty-four hours, we'll both be on a bus headed towards san francisco international airport to go to phoenix.
still surreal: no sleep, starting on the night of the twenty-fifth, consecutively until the evening of the twenty-seventh.
wish it weren't real: moving all my stuff to angel's.
groundingly real: grandma's got cancer, her lungs collapsed. she's doing better. dad's still in the philippines; haven't heard from him since september.
wish this were real: seeing longtime friends. bastards don't say hi.
ridiculously tangible: drunkenness.
today: merry christmas, everyone, from berkeley to everywhere.
i love you all.
12.24.2003
wednesday afternoon, no hangover. and susan, you're old.
the few nights of exhaustion and alcohol have been some of the most memorable i've had here in berkeley, since friends have been all around and no bullshit has gone down -- at least, none that concerns me in the least. i've been getting paid to eat and march; i mean, it can get a lot worse, but i'm having lots of fun as for the moment.
i'm at david's for the hella time this week. it's been good, what with the movies we've been watching and the music we've been listening to. (except we haven't "got pissed and watched porn," but i have a feeling that's coming soon.)
i woke up and my belt was gone. how did that happen?
dinner for the past few days has been on our per diems: mel's diner, tako sushi, west coast pizza. alcohol's been plentiful, too, starting from the drink-like-a-fish wednesday night of awesomeness last week to monday night awesomeness, and last night's four weddings and a funeral extravaganza.
and all this, while we have four-hour rehearsals, tiring the fuck out of our bodies, wringing our energies from eleven in the morning until three in the afternoon. yesterday we did it in the semi-heavy drizzle, the day before in cold, cold weather. but after all of that, after having taken our respective powernaps and munchies and after-rehearsal showers, we all still managed to get together, have good times, and enjoy each other's company.
i think it's amazing that our group of second years has significantly bonded over the past few days, from the end of finals until the end of bowl game rehearsals. but i have a feeling that it's not stopping there. we all love each other too much. (second years, you guys kick ass. and you're not old. you're all copter.) makes me wonder why we didn't do this as often during the semester, but as david says, "i hate school. it gets in the way of bonding."
and so, here i am again, typing an update from david's console, trying to figure out how to waste our afternoons until about four-thirty this afternoon when we embark on the journey that is the bruno family pasghetti-fest. i'm sure there will be copious amounts of food and brunos, while the four of us feel significantly out of place until the night turns into something weird.
christmas is tomorrow. already. which means christmas eve would be tonight, meaning i still feel weird being in berkeley for such a big deal holiday. i've promised myself to call people tonight, wherever they are. i miss all of those kids in socal, and i miss all of those kids in new york, and i miss all of those kids not here in berkeley. it's a weird, transitory place to be, considering the campus is probably populated only by the one hundred forty members of the band going to phoenix in two days.
it's nice to feel alone, and it's even nicer to feel alone with a group of people who are going through the same thing.
have a fantastic christmas eve, everyone.
the few nights of exhaustion and alcohol have been some of the most memorable i've had here in berkeley, since friends have been all around and no bullshit has gone down -- at least, none that concerns me in the least. i've been getting paid to eat and march; i mean, it can get a lot worse, but i'm having lots of fun as for the moment.
i'm at david's for the hella time this week. it's been good, what with the movies we've been watching and the music we've been listening to. (except we haven't "got pissed and watched porn," but i have a feeling that's coming soon.)
i woke up and my belt was gone. how did that happen?
dinner for the past few days has been on our per diems: mel's diner, tako sushi, west coast pizza. alcohol's been plentiful, too, starting from the drink-like-a-fish wednesday night of awesomeness last week to monday night awesomeness, and last night's four weddings and a funeral extravaganza.
and all this, while we have four-hour rehearsals, tiring the fuck out of our bodies, wringing our energies from eleven in the morning until three in the afternoon. yesterday we did it in the semi-heavy drizzle, the day before in cold, cold weather. but after all of that, after having taken our respective powernaps and munchies and after-rehearsal showers, we all still managed to get together, have good times, and enjoy each other's company.
i think it's amazing that our group of second years has significantly bonded over the past few days, from the end of finals until the end of bowl game rehearsals. but i have a feeling that it's not stopping there. we all love each other too much. (second years, you guys kick ass. and you're not old. you're all copter.) makes me wonder why we didn't do this as often during the semester, but as david says, "i hate school. it gets in the way of bonding."
and so, here i am again, typing an update from david's console, trying to figure out how to waste our afternoons until about four-thirty this afternoon when we embark on the journey that is the bruno family pasghetti-fest. i'm sure there will be copious amounts of food and brunos, while the four of us feel significantly out of place until the night turns into something weird.
christmas is tomorrow. already. which means christmas eve would be tonight, meaning i still feel weird being in berkeley for such a big deal holiday. i've promised myself to call people tonight, wherever they are. i miss all of those kids in socal, and i miss all of those kids in new york, and i miss all of those kids not here in berkeley. it's a weird, transitory place to be, considering the campus is probably populated only by the one hundred forty members of the band going to phoenix in two days.
it's nice to feel alone, and it's even nicer to feel alone with a group of people who are going through the same thing.
have a fantastic christmas eve, everyone.
12.22.2003
i think it's a great feeling whenever i get side cramps as i do pregame, when i'm out of breath as i pivot-hey into the eight beats of rest between 'big c' and 'sons,' when my legs feel like falling off as i highstep my way up to the very tip of the L (i'm the last person to leave the field!), and when i can barely play at the very end of the show. my heart beats faster, sweat gathers on my forehead, and the callous on my pinky is getting worked again.
and it's two days before christmas, already. who knew that i'd be rehearsing for bowl game week when i thought big game week three weeks ago was the last i'd do?
rhetorical devices aside, i think it was great how the second-year in rehearsal today group-hugged jimbo. i'm betting to say he was a little shocked or something, wondering why we even did it, but he needs to know that we really do appreciate him a lot. all of rehearsal, i couldn't get "love is all around" out of my head. so i felt it in my fingers and i felt it in my toes when the lack of sun happened at berkeley at around two in the afternoon.
i'm starting to feel a little weird, sitting in a darkened apartment (the lights are all busted), basically doing nothing of sorts until someone calls or i check my email or watch some tv. is this what happens when i get out of college and don't get a job? a meaningless, depressing, boring existence, wasted away day after day in front of either a tv or a computer?
i've gone home the past few days with the stoplights blinking. passing by them, i'm always reminded of what miho said to me one time: "i think stoplights start blinking at one in the morning so that they can party. i mean, they do their routine in the day, and so they have to release some pressure when it's at night. i mean, hell, the green one doesn't even show up."
um. wasted day after day?
i feel it in my fingers and i feel it in my toes that i need to get myself out of this lull, so here i go.
two a's for grades so far, what what. take that, first semester at cal!
and it's two days before christmas, already. who knew that i'd be rehearsing for bowl game week when i thought big game week three weeks ago was the last i'd do?
rhetorical devices aside, i think it was great how the second-year in rehearsal today group-hugged jimbo. i'm betting to say he was a little shocked or something, wondering why we even did it, but he needs to know that we really do appreciate him a lot. all of rehearsal, i couldn't get "love is all around" out of my head. so i felt it in my fingers and i felt it in my toes when the lack of sun happened at berkeley at around two in the afternoon.
i'm starting to feel a little weird, sitting in a darkened apartment (the lights are all busted), basically doing nothing of sorts until someone calls or i check my email or watch some tv. is this what happens when i get out of college and don't get a job? a meaningless, depressing, boring existence, wasted away day after day in front of either a tv or a computer?
i've gone home the past few days with the stoplights blinking. passing by them, i'm always reminded of what miho said to me one time: "i think stoplights start blinking at one in the morning so that they can party. i mean, they do their routine in the day, and so they have to release some pressure when it's at night. i mean, hell, the green one doesn't even show up."
um. wasted day after day?
i feel it in my fingers and i feel it in my toes that i need to get myself out of this lull, so here i go.
two a's for grades so far, what what. take that, first semester at cal!
to my fellow second years,
tonight was simply awesome. thank you so much for giving me one of the most memorable nights here in berkeley, and i love each and every one of you, even if you weren't there (you were all there in spirit).
go bears. lovefest two thousand-three was a huge success.
two for two, two more years. we're going to kick so much ass.
special thanks to alison, david, ling, and shat. y'all are mah dawgs. word.
tonight was simply awesome. thank you so much for giving me one of the most memorable nights here in berkeley, and i love each and every one of you, even if you weren't there (you were all there in spirit).
go bears. lovefest two thousand-three was a huge success.
two for two, two more years. we're going to kick so much ass.
special thanks to alison, david, ling, and shat. y'all are mah dawgs. word.
12.20.2003
being alone in a confined space really makes me sad. and scared.
it's almost one in the afternoon here, and it's gotten to the point where i just don't do anything.
i feel somewhat disgusted, and a lot lazy. i need to be productive, but the time's given me a lot to think about.
so in using my miguel-ish superpowers for awesome (investiga-awesome?), i think i'll use my ultra-cool-hyper-thinking skills and powernap forever.
wow, this is depressing.
it's almost one in the afternoon here, and it's gotten to the point where i just don't do anything.
i feel somewhat disgusted, and a lot lazy. i need to be productive, but the time's given me a lot to think about.
so in using my miguel-ish superpowers for awesome (investiga-awesome?), i think i'll use my ultra-cool-hyper-thinking skills and powernap forever.
wow, this is depressing.
on a much, much lighter note, bowl game rehearsals start in less than thirty-three hours. i still have to mark the poopsheet.
thank you to hiro, daniel, tanya, and rachel for being awesome sounding boards last night. especially to hiro when i needed my coffee break at eleven forty-five in the evening, i think there was a perfectly good reason for me to go to the other side of campus to enjoy someone's company.
and on that note, the issues came up of simple decency, common courtesy, and growing up. three things we all need to realize to all of their full potentials, but other people just don't seem to want to grasp the concept. fuck nonconfrontationalism, fuck passive-aggressiveness, just grow the fuck up because i really can't stand it anymore.
i guess it's partly my fault being jaded this young, but when my maturity level is higher than someone a few years older than i am, i think there's something wrong. i don't end up being mentored or befriended; in fact, i feel like a therapy patient or a colleague from class whom you know but never talk to. just another face, just another problem.
but thanks to the jadedness, i think it's also a bit beneficial: i can really care less about what you think of me, because i'm probably smarter than you are, and i'm probably better off where i am in my mental health because i have enough self-confidence (almost to the point of being a crass braggart, but not enough to tell you to your face that i'm better than you). i'm also comfortable enough with who i am, because if i'm not, then i might as well be in high school all over again.
it's not even the issue of growing balls. it's the issue of growing up, being a little jaded, and being a little selfish, because in this world, you can't avoid the fact that people will hate you.
in a few days, i'll be extremely happy to be hanging out with friends, and extremely lonely that i'm apart from my family. ladies and gentlemen, please pray for my grandmother. she's in intensive care, lungs collapsed, on machines. i'm the only one in the family who's not in southern california because, well, things didn't quite work out.
and for me to not be able to talk to anyone much about anything last night was relatively nerve-wracking. i wanted to gouge my eyes out because i felt so awkward having to initiate conversation for the nth time, and because of that, i almost snapped.
things feel just contrived and sometimes, trivial. i hate it, becaues i've put enough effort into this that i can't seem to get anything out of it. and as much as i try, there's nothing to grasp, nothing to take away from the experience other than "i don't know why i'm still doing this because doing this solves nothing."
yes, i was visibly disturbed about my grandmother's situation yesterday when i found out from my mother. i can't imagine that, in my mother's case, she's seeing the woman who gave birth to her confined to a bed and strapped on a few machines. it's not healthey for the psyche nor the spirit, and it was devastating to hear on the other end of the line.
friends definitely help, but when the two-hour interim of conversaton happens to be pointless music and formalities about showering, i had to draw the line. i had to get up, say that i'm going again for the fifteenth time in one and a half weeks, and voice my frustrations to someone who can somewhat understand my struggle.
communication is so hard, especially when you're not used to putting yourself out there. and when you do, you feel so vulnerable, and i've placed way too much trust for me to expect a response. so far, so nothing, and so, i'm left again waiting to see what will happen.
merry holidays, everyone. introspection and revelations to come, i hope.
and on that note, the issues came up of simple decency, common courtesy, and growing up. three things we all need to realize to all of their full potentials, but other people just don't seem to want to grasp the concept. fuck nonconfrontationalism, fuck passive-aggressiveness, just grow the fuck up because i really can't stand it anymore.
i guess it's partly my fault being jaded this young, but when my maturity level is higher than someone a few years older than i am, i think there's something wrong. i don't end up being mentored or befriended; in fact, i feel like a therapy patient or a colleague from class whom you know but never talk to. just another face, just another problem.
but thanks to the jadedness, i think it's also a bit beneficial: i can really care less about what you think of me, because i'm probably smarter than you are, and i'm probably better off where i am in my mental health because i have enough self-confidence (almost to the point of being a crass braggart, but not enough to tell you to your face that i'm better than you). i'm also comfortable enough with who i am, because if i'm not, then i might as well be in high school all over again.
it's not even the issue of growing balls. it's the issue of growing up, being a little jaded, and being a little selfish, because in this world, you can't avoid the fact that people will hate you.
in a few days, i'll be extremely happy to be hanging out with friends, and extremely lonely that i'm apart from my family. ladies and gentlemen, please pray for my grandmother. she's in intensive care, lungs collapsed, on machines. i'm the only one in the family who's not in southern california because, well, things didn't quite work out.
and for me to not be able to talk to anyone much about anything last night was relatively nerve-wracking. i wanted to gouge my eyes out because i felt so awkward having to initiate conversation for the nth time, and because of that, i almost snapped.
things feel just contrived and sometimes, trivial. i hate it, becaues i've put enough effort into this that i can't seem to get anything out of it. and as much as i try, there's nothing to grasp, nothing to take away from the experience other than "i don't know why i'm still doing this because doing this solves nothing."
yes, i was visibly disturbed about my grandmother's situation yesterday when i found out from my mother. i can't imagine that, in my mother's case, she's seeing the woman who gave birth to her confined to a bed and strapped on a few machines. it's not healthey for the psyche nor the spirit, and it was devastating to hear on the other end of the line.
friends definitely help, but when the two-hour interim of conversaton happens to be pointless music and formalities about showering, i had to draw the line. i had to get up, say that i'm going again for the fifteenth time in one and a half weeks, and voice my frustrations to someone who can somewhat understand my struggle.
communication is so hard, especially when you're not used to putting yourself out there. and when you do, you feel so vulnerable, and i've placed way too much trust for me to expect a response. so far, so nothing, and so, i'm left again waiting to see what will happen.
merry holidays, everyone. introspection and revelations to come, i hope.
12.18.2003
piecing back the night before is always fun when the two people you hung out with don't remember much, either.
so, to celebrate our being-done-with-finals (and in my case, my nigh-being-done-with-finals), susan, david, and i decided that a boozefest was in order. so our liquor table, for just the three of us, was a quarter-flask of bacardi one-fifty-one, sizable quantities of bacardi razz, malibu, captain morgan, grenadine, and two cases' worth of heineken. (mixers, of course, were plenty at hand.)
there were chocolate shots, invented mixed drinks (like "susan's dum dum"), and a lot (and by a lot i mean A LOT) of alcoholic debauchery. there was making david impressionable, "cybering" with shereen, finding nemo (even though i watched it, i don't think it counts because i only remember three scenes), the first two minutes of the matrix, sock-em boppers, a surprise appearance by chris and his friends, hardwood floors, periodic checking on the ice, and changing david's desktop background to, um, something more memorable.
last night was great, for what i can remember of it. the drinks were strong, the atmosphere good. and i think that's all that really matters, considering i had an awesome time with two of my awesome friends.
susan and david, i allegedly owe you both a secret; david, you owe me a kiss; and susan, next time we'll have just beer (the beer and bacardi was a bad idea for a first-timer). i think what i'm trying to say is that we ought to do this again sometime. not anytime relatively soon, but sometime.
the one name i remember is diego. is that a bad thing?
now i have about an hour until my final final for the semester takes place. i can barely type straight, and it was a miracle that i got to david's console at all, but i think that's a sign that it's a good day coming.
hell, i can fail this final and still get a b in the class.
and the word of the day is, huzzah!
so, to celebrate our being-done-with-finals (and in my case, my nigh-being-done-with-finals), susan, david, and i decided that a boozefest was in order. so our liquor table, for just the three of us, was a quarter-flask of bacardi one-fifty-one, sizable quantities of bacardi razz, malibu, captain morgan, grenadine, and two cases' worth of heineken. (mixers, of course, were plenty at hand.)
there were chocolate shots, invented mixed drinks (like "susan's dum dum"), and a lot (and by a lot i mean A LOT) of alcoholic debauchery. there was making david impressionable, "cybering" with shereen, finding nemo (even though i watched it, i don't think it counts because i only remember three scenes), the first two minutes of the matrix, sock-em boppers, a surprise appearance by chris and his friends, hardwood floors, periodic checking on the ice, and changing david's desktop background to, um, something more memorable.
last night was great, for what i can remember of it. the drinks were strong, the atmosphere good. and i think that's all that really matters, considering i had an awesome time with two of my awesome friends.
susan and david, i allegedly owe you both a secret; david, you owe me a kiss; and susan, next time we'll have just beer (the beer and bacardi was a bad idea for a first-timer). i think what i'm trying to say is that we ought to do this again sometime. not anytime relatively soon, but sometime.
the one name i remember is diego. is that a bad thing?
now i have about an hour until my final final for the semester takes place. i can barely type straight, and it was a miracle that i got to david's console at all, but i think that's a sign that it's a good day coming.
hell, i can fail this final and still get a b in the class.
and the word of the day is, huzzah!
12.17.2003
i just happened upon this and it made me think much deeper than i thought it would, so i thought i'd share:
"when you die, everything stays the same.
except for you."
"when you die, everything stays the same.
except for you."
i should have eighties wars more often. they tend to start days happily. (i mean, how can a day not start happily when the first thing you hear is "wake me up before you go-go" and "total eclipse of the heart?")
i finally took my first final yesterday. i end tomorrow. and yes, i had to wait around dawdling at the university and its environs for the past week until yesterday happened. and i kicked that test's ass. i was the first one out of there, after an hour of taking the test and checking it over twice.
i can't wait until i'm done, oh man.
i finally took my first final yesterday. i end tomorrow. and yes, i had to wait around dawdling at the university and its environs for the past week until yesterday happened. and i kicked that test's ass. i was the first one out of there, after an hour of taking the test and checking it over twice.
i can't wait until i'm done, oh man.
12.15.2003
hey all!
i just found out that i'm nominated for the asiablog awards for best philippine blog, so if you would please kindly vote for me, i would very much appreciate it. (if you want, you can vote for me again and again on different computers. it tracks ip addresses.) remember that the site title is "random flashes of something like inspiration" -- that's all there is to it.
the last week was amazing. the past two days were especially awesome. aside from all the characters of the week, there was the really surreal (surreally?) yesterday, when we saw this little girl pushing a stroller, and in the carriage was another stroller and a baby doll. (absurdity. pure absurdity.)
and thanks to sam for letting me borrow his powershot a60. good times, getting wasted at raleigh's. everyone should try the iron santa challenge.
today i'm supposed to go to good vibrations (the fun sex shop on the nine), but i feel like i'm gonna feel a bit out of place. although i will bring my camera for good times.
i'm in a weird mood.
and to GirlWhoDislikesSanFranciscoFishAndChips,
i have to agree that san francisco fish and chips aren't the best. but i will defend our clam chowder in bread bowl style. it's amazing, especially in cold weather or after a good, tiring day in the city.
nate, i'll see you soon enough to get you out of your oc-slump.
berkeleyites, i can't wait until the bowl game.
second-years, LOVEFEST!
and. yes.
i just found out that i'm nominated for the asiablog awards for best philippine blog, so if you would please kindly vote for me, i would very much appreciate it. (if you want, you can vote for me again and again on different computers. it tracks ip addresses.) remember that the site title is "random flashes of something like inspiration" -- that's all there is to it.
the last week was amazing. the past two days were especially awesome. aside from all the characters of the week, there was the really surreal (surreally?) yesterday, when we saw this little girl pushing a stroller, and in the carriage was another stroller and a baby doll. (absurdity. pure absurdity.)
and thanks to sam for letting me borrow his powershot a60. good times, getting wasted at raleigh's. everyone should try the iron santa challenge.
today i'm supposed to go to good vibrations (the fun sex shop on the nine), but i feel like i'm gonna feel a bit out of place. although i will bring my camera for good times.
i'm in a weird mood.
and to GirlWhoDislikesSanFranciscoFishAndChips,
i have to agree that san francisco fish and chips aren't the best. but i will defend our clam chowder in bread bowl style. it's amazing, especially in cold weather or after a good, tiring day in the city.
nate, i'll see you soon enough to get you out of your oc-slump.
berkeleyites, i can't wait until the bowl game.
second-years, LOVEFEST!
and. yes.
12.13.2003
wait a second wait a second wait a second,
i wanna be done with finals too! this is not fair at all!
all the socal kids are done. poo.
a bunch of the berkeleyites are done. poo.
wait, that doesn't stop me from getting drunk today, now, does it?
all right.
finals start on tuesday! woo! booze it up til then!
i wanna be done with finals too! this is not fair at all!
all the socal kids are done. poo.
a bunch of the berkeleyites are done. poo.
wait, that doesn't stop me from getting drunk today, now, does it?
all right.
finals start on tuesday! woo! booze it up til then!
12.11.2003
was i supposed to do anything today?
after a rousing game of "try not to get wet" last night, wandering around the southside of berkeley to find a decent, not-so-crowded coffee shop, i ended up going to caffe strada and gulping down a large strada bianca mocha.
let's say the night was extremely productive, when i found myself three pages of substantive portuguese paper material ahead of schedule. i was working on annotations, quotations and citations, points and opinions that i had bases for. (it felt like bs'ing, but it was actually meaningful and productive!) by the time i had finished, i didn't even realize that it was four forty-five in the morning already, so i conked out.
i woke up at eleven or thereabouts, struggling to find my glasses and my cell phone. then i had lunch with my brother, started to work more on that blasted portuguese paper, and downed two hefeweizens while we were lunching in the bear's lair. good times.
at least i don't have to worry about the paper as much, meaning i can go home and play a bit of the videogames while i think about what i'm going to write, as well as what i'm going to say for my stunt interview tomorrow.
and now that i think about it, i would really rather be on stunt. i'm pretty adept with using a computer to make fun little formations on a grid (and i hella owned on battleship -- couldn't be too different, now, can it?) and counting down when you're supposed to move. god knows i can lead a group of people (i did it for my newman guarding!). i guess the selection process will tell.
not to say that i'll be disappointed if i get appointed to recruiting coordinator. i think i'll work just as hard, maybe harder.
special shout-outs to the peeps on broadway.
um... someone help me find my wallet?
after a rousing game of "try not to get wet" last night, wandering around the southside of berkeley to find a decent, not-so-crowded coffee shop, i ended up going to caffe strada and gulping down a large strada bianca mocha.
let's say the night was extremely productive, when i found myself three pages of substantive portuguese paper material ahead of schedule. i was working on annotations, quotations and citations, points and opinions that i had bases for. (it felt like bs'ing, but it was actually meaningful and productive!) by the time i had finished, i didn't even realize that it was four forty-five in the morning already, so i conked out.
i woke up at eleven or thereabouts, struggling to find my glasses and my cell phone. then i had lunch with my brother, started to work more on that blasted portuguese paper, and downed two hefeweizens while we were lunching in the bear's lair. good times.
at least i don't have to worry about the paper as much, meaning i can go home and play a bit of the videogames while i think about what i'm going to write, as well as what i'm going to say for my stunt interview tomorrow.
and now that i think about it, i would really rather be on stunt. i'm pretty adept with using a computer to make fun little formations on a grid (and i hella owned on battleship -- couldn't be too different, now, can it?) and counting down when you're supposed to move. god knows i can lead a group of people (i did it for my newman guarding!). i guess the selection process will tell.
not to say that i'll be disappointed if i get appointed to recruiting coordinator. i think i'll work just as hard, maybe harder.
special shout-outs to the peeps on broadway.
um... someone help me find my wallet?
12.10.2003
to GirlWhoIFoundOutReadsMyBlogAndIsMostInteresting,
i think you're really cool. if you're ever in the bay area, lemme know.
(and you're cute, to boot.)
i think you're really cool. if you're ever in the bay area, lemme know.
(and you're cute, to boot.)
12.09.2003
finals start and i'm so not ready.
everything's still rolling along, even though i think it's kinda unfair that all my friends get out of school this week while i agonize one more week for my finals to start. and then i'm in berkeley for a few more days, then it's the bowl game.
i'm so impatient. i can't wait for things to happen anymore. i can't just wait anymore, either.
my situation isn't helping itself, not in the least. i think i have some growing up to do over the next few weeks and in the upcoming months, just seeing how it is i'm surviving by not doing anything. i feel like i'm cheating the system, and i probably am, but i really really don't feel like i deserve any of this bullshit heading my way.
somebody save me from this madness. i'm so ready to not be ready.
i'd rather be somewhere else right now.
everything's still rolling along, even though i think it's kinda unfair that all my friends get out of school this week while i agonize one more week for my finals to start. and then i'm in berkeley for a few more days, then it's the bowl game.
i'm so impatient. i can't wait for things to happen anymore. i can't just wait anymore, either.
my situation isn't helping itself, not in the least. i think i have some growing up to do over the next few weeks and in the upcoming months, just seeing how it is i'm surviving by not doing anything. i feel like i'm cheating the system, and i probably am, but i really really don't feel like i deserve any of this bullshit heading my way.
somebody save me from this madness. i'm so ready to not be ready.
i'd rather be somewhere else right now.
12.08.2003
to quote my good friend dharushana: "i hope you all stay hydrated and mentally stable."
on the fifty-one last night, i sat across from a young man who was wearing a blue, striped polo shirt, track pants, and a trucker hat. at the bus stop on durant and telegraph we were chatting about the drunks who were walking out of kip's at the moment and the chinese man kicking a sprite bottle on the street. after he got off at his stop on college and derby, i thought i wouldn't even see him again -- maybe on campus, but that was a longshot -- but boy, was i wrong.
this afternoon, en route to campus, as the fifty-one stopped at college and derby, the same young man wearing the same striped shirt (but jeans this time) and trucker hat sat next to me again, and we shared some conversation after doing somewhat of a double take (something along the lines of, "didn't i just see you ten hours ago?"). and on the way to lunch, he was at the crosswalk between bancroft and telegraph. go figure.
and in the bus ride i overheard one of the more amazing conversations i had ever heard since coming to berkeley. two very smart, very strong-willed, opinionated black women were talking about aids and its ramifications in society, how transparent it's become, and how it affects each and every person in the world, no matter how they like it or not. trucker-hat dude and i were conveniently listening, commenting as we went along. (and i didn't even catch his name.)
finals are here -- it's dead week right now (by "week" the university really means "monday and tuesday") -- but lucky me, i don't have finals until the next week, from the sixteenth until the eighteenth. i'll be here for the rehearsals for bowl game, for christmas, and then at phoenix for the insight bowl. i believe i'll be down here until a few days before new year's, but i'm pretty sure i'll be in socal by that time.
i am so ready for this semester to be over, and i'm so scared about this semester being over. my major is waiting to be declared and my place of residence is about to change for the second time this year. i'm more than a little anxious. but i think it's for the better, all these changes. i'll be living somewhere a little more fun and a lot more feasible.
i have the coolest big bear ever.
i think this will be a good week to just chill and relax and figure things out as they come along. some studying will definitely be in order, but for the most part, i'll be trying to get in the mindset that is miguel taking on finals for the third time.
and i need a haircut.
the novel comes along, and there are a few more things to make my life a little busy. i've written letters to two structure positions in the band (namely public relations and stunt), so interviews are underway. hardboiled is advancing to spring schedule (our positions under tow), and i am feeling great about my upcoming spring schedule.
no getting sick for me, thank you very much.
i just hope you all stay hydrated and mentally stable. it's looking like it's a good time for me.
on the fifty-one last night, i sat across from a young man who was wearing a blue, striped polo shirt, track pants, and a trucker hat. at the bus stop on durant and telegraph we were chatting about the drunks who were walking out of kip's at the moment and the chinese man kicking a sprite bottle on the street. after he got off at his stop on college and derby, i thought i wouldn't even see him again -- maybe on campus, but that was a longshot -- but boy, was i wrong.
this afternoon, en route to campus, as the fifty-one stopped at college and derby, the same young man wearing the same striped shirt (but jeans this time) and trucker hat sat next to me again, and we shared some conversation after doing somewhat of a double take (something along the lines of, "didn't i just see you ten hours ago?"). and on the way to lunch, he was at the crosswalk between bancroft and telegraph. go figure.
and in the bus ride i overheard one of the more amazing conversations i had ever heard since coming to berkeley. two very smart, very strong-willed, opinionated black women were talking about aids and its ramifications in society, how transparent it's become, and how it affects each and every person in the world, no matter how they like it or not. trucker-hat dude and i were conveniently listening, commenting as we went along. (and i didn't even catch his name.)
finals are here -- it's dead week right now (by "week" the university really means "monday and tuesday") -- but lucky me, i don't have finals until the next week, from the sixteenth until the eighteenth. i'll be here for the rehearsals for bowl game, for christmas, and then at phoenix for the insight bowl. i believe i'll be down here until a few days before new year's, but i'm pretty sure i'll be in socal by that time.
i am so ready for this semester to be over, and i'm so scared about this semester being over. my major is waiting to be declared and my place of residence is about to change for the second time this year. i'm more than a little anxious. but i think it's for the better, all these changes. i'll be living somewhere a little more fun and a lot more feasible.
i have the coolest big bear ever.
i think this will be a good week to just chill and relax and figure things out as they come along. some studying will definitely be in order, but for the most part, i'll be trying to get in the mindset that is miguel taking on finals for the third time.
and i need a haircut.
the novel comes along, and there are a few more things to make my life a little busy. i've written letters to two structure positions in the band (namely public relations and stunt), so interviews are underway. hardboiled is advancing to spring schedule (our positions under tow), and i am feeling great about my upcoming spring schedule.
no getting sick for me, thank you very much.
i just hope you all stay hydrated and mentally stable. it's looking like it's a good time for me.
12.04.2003
besides everything else falling apart, i'm feeling great! seriously!
eleven thousand hits and counting, woot. who knew this puppy could do that?
i'm stressing over something so inevitable as this semester's sophomore slump. i think it's due to the fact that i got senioritis before my time (it's that hanging out with old people thing) and that i think i will have less-than-decent grades for two classes. oh well. i can care somewhat less.
on other notes, i like phone calls.
and i'm not so worried about declaring a major anymore because you know, i think some of this shit is overrated, and the less i worry about it, the more i'll have fun with it, and the more i'll have fun with it, the better i'll do, and the better i'll do, the less i'll worry. ah, this is one vicious cycle which i would like to not stop.
does anyone else get giddy when someone mentions "psycholinguistics" in any context? yeah, i thought it was just me. and it is. unfortunately, the class they're offering next semester is at the same time as the linguistic science class that i'm enrolled in. oh well.
requirement counts down: halfway done with spanish, and barely started with linguistics.
elective count: smooth sailing.
fun: still there. i'm not a naive freshman nor am i a jaded senior, so it's still exciting.
extracurriculars: i think i'll but down on these for a few. i need the break. thank goodness publishing isn't until march next semester.
i want to start writing and painting again. creativity needs to be released from me. i have an urge to paint and write like i haven't ever had before; some kind of new motivation sparked somewhat by my writing this novel. i want to write poetry, i want to paint abstract figures that no one will get until later. i want to be an enigma, but that's a little bit of asking too much.
everything's falling apart but i'm still having fun. i'm still happy-go-lucky. not so carefree, though, but i think some winter break in berkeley until after the bowl game might solve some of that.
i love it when i feel appreciated. it might stem from a single phone call or text message from you, a hug, a kiss, a card, an instant message, a simple hello, a gift, a thank you, anything, really, that justifies my existence somewhat. i like that. a lot. and i like giving them, too, which is to say, happy holidays? the music's playing in every store i go to, and it just reminded me of being... happy.
friends are amazing people. they know exactly when to do the right thing, even when they don't want to.
a kiss on the cheek, too, when given at the right moment, is a thousand times more fantastic than a makeout session.
so, for the lack of going to a class for the past three weeks, or not seeing some people in a few days, here's to more frequency and more fun. it might cost me a few hours of sleep, but i can make do with that, considering i just survived big game week and the lethargy that was thanksgiving weekend. here's a bit more effort for the next semester, and hopefully, higher grades, less worry, and a feeling of contribution that will kick much ass.
when it comes around, life really does look good. most of the time.
i can't wait.
in memoriam, presentacion verayo de leon, nineteen twenty-nine to two thousand one. i miss you, grandma.
eleven thousand hits and counting, woot. who knew this puppy could do that?
i'm stressing over something so inevitable as this semester's sophomore slump. i think it's due to the fact that i got senioritis before my time (it's that hanging out with old people thing) and that i think i will have less-than-decent grades for two classes. oh well. i can care somewhat less.
on other notes, i like phone calls.
and i'm not so worried about declaring a major anymore because you know, i think some of this shit is overrated, and the less i worry about it, the more i'll have fun with it, and the more i'll have fun with it, the better i'll do, and the better i'll do, the less i'll worry. ah, this is one vicious cycle which i would like to not stop.
does anyone else get giddy when someone mentions "psycholinguistics" in any context? yeah, i thought it was just me. and it is. unfortunately, the class they're offering next semester is at the same time as the linguistic science class that i'm enrolled in. oh well.
requirement counts down: halfway done with spanish, and barely started with linguistics.
elective count: smooth sailing.
fun: still there. i'm not a naive freshman nor am i a jaded senior, so it's still exciting.
extracurriculars: i think i'll but down on these for a few. i need the break. thank goodness publishing isn't until march next semester.
i want to start writing and painting again. creativity needs to be released from me. i have an urge to paint and write like i haven't ever had before; some kind of new motivation sparked somewhat by my writing this novel. i want to write poetry, i want to paint abstract figures that no one will get until later. i want to be an enigma, but that's a little bit of asking too much.
everything's falling apart but i'm still having fun. i'm still happy-go-lucky. not so carefree, though, but i think some winter break in berkeley until after the bowl game might solve some of that.
i love it when i feel appreciated. it might stem from a single phone call or text message from you, a hug, a kiss, a card, an instant message, a simple hello, a gift, a thank you, anything, really, that justifies my existence somewhat. i like that. a lot. and i like giving them, too, which is to say, happy holidays? the music's playing in every store i go to, and it just reminded me of being... happy.
friends are amazing people. they know exactly when to do the right thing, even when they don't want to.
a kiss on the cheek, too, when given at the right moment, is a thousand times more fantastic than a makeout session.
so, for the lack of going to a class for the past three weeks, or not seeing some people in a few days, here's to more frequency and more fun. it might cost me a few hours of sleep, but i can make do with that, considering i just survived big game week and the lethargy that was thanksgiving weekend. here's a bit more effort for the next semester, and hopefully, higher grades, less worry, and a feeling of contribution that will kick much ass.
when it comes around, life really does look good. most of the time.
i can't wait.
in memoriam, presentacion verayo de leon, nineteen twenty-nine to two thousand one. i miss you, grandma.
you feel so small sometimes
miguel
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