migblog: 08.02

8.27.2002

yes. i'm still kinda thinking about that.

thinking about you, too. i miss you a lot.

man... i don't know how to take this. whether or not it's bugging me or if it's just something i have to own up to or what. damn me and too much thinking.

love you too.

hmmm... i'm in a very lachrymose mood today. i'm contemplating. makes me wonder, silence. especially after this one thing last night. it bugged me all during class today and i could not pay attention to anything else. my lecture notes were all of a half-page. it's been hanging on my mind. hmm. i guess it's another one of those undue stress things.

no heart problems. yet.

i have class later on today and then i have rehearsal. eesh. gotta wonder about time management, eh...

weird. i woke up this morning and found myself humming seventeen by janis ian. sadness.

i need to cure my melancholy depression. it's not healthy when you're with 200 other people in the band, let alone 850 in a lecture hall.

8.25.2002

i am very much excited by the fact that i am now online and in my room at the same time. first time in weeks, boys and girls. first time.

i just wanted to update this and say hi to everyone who looks at my page. enjoy, please do.

and now that the stupid phone rule is done with, call me up whenever the hell you want. because now you can, and because now i can answer. most of the time.

i miss and love you all. now i need to sleep.

8.19.2002

it's monday. again. haven't posted here in a while. see, the problem is, i haven't really been here in my dorm until yesterday night. and that was spent unpacking. i have a lot of crap. i just totally realized that. i also have been so busy with band work and everything... it's taken me a while to get things done. i'm using the communal comps right now, actually -- not half bad. they're fast and fun.

and now for something completely different:

frigid

it's surprisingly cold up here
i'm wearing three layers
no one knows who i really am.

they know my name
they know what i do
but all they really know
is what i tell them.

truth be told
i don't know who i am.
i don't know anyone who does.

does god?
sometimes i wonder about him.
he doesn't do many things often anymore.

it's so cold
my teeth chatter sometimes
and mumble incoherent pieces of misinformation.

i know these things won't matter in a while
but for right now
it matters so much
because it's so cold...

it's cold...
i'm freezing.

8.14.2002

well. um. i'm leaving in a little less than eleven hours. amazing. time flies so fast. i'm seriously going to miss everyone. leave me an email and i'll gladly send you contact information. this is a big change. it's going to take some getting used to.

saying goodbye is so tough.

goodbye

i'm leaving so many things behind.
i'm leaving my clothes
i'm leaving my cozy little room
i'm leaving my massive collection of books and papers
i'm leaving the comfort of my house
i'm leaving the swing
i'm leaving the computer
i'm leaving you.

i don't want to go.
i don't want to leave.
i don't want to feel this way.
i don't want to go without you.
i don't want to feel helpless like this.
i don't want to say goodbye.
i don't want to leave.
i don't want to cry.

sometimes
i wish i can just close my eyes
and when i open them again
i'll be back.
and you'll be there with me.
and we'll laugh
and we'll have fun
and we'll never leave each other's presence.
sometimes how i wish you were here.
i wish for so much.

we had some good times, didn't we?
i relive those
every time it gets too quiet.
i surround myself with images of you
i'm delusional
because i swear i could feel you right here
and smell your scent
and hear your voice.
i'd take you with me if i could.

thanks for listening and all your time.
i'm not worth as much as you think i am.
that's only as much as i can be.
goodbye, now.
goodbye.
i hope to see...
goodbye, now.
goodbye.

and tears up at the coffee shop
with dreams of being in a band
and music in his life.
goodbye.
i pray.
i pray now.
goodbye, now.
goodbye.

well, all, we kind of skimped on tuesday since i was out and about and boxing up my room. it's wednesday morning -- the last one i'll have out here for a long while -- and then, tomorrow, i'm out of here. it's really changing my perspective on a lot of things. it makes me sad, but at the same time i'm extremely anxiously excited to see what waits for me at the campus.

here's a revision of the what is now known as the "hands" part of thank you (see august 12). it's expanded. it's become its own thing. i hope you guys like it -- i had one of the toughest times writing this. all parties involved in this, you know who you are. just read it.

the eye of the apple

one day, spring ended and ushered in
the glory of summer.
the fields were green
the hills were rolling
the sun was beaming
and the children were laughing.
in one of the orchards stood a lone
apple tree --
in the middle of the orchard
alone.
there were no other trees.
but the apple tree
bore the most fruit
the sweetest fruit in all the land.

one of the apples decided to
explore the world around her.
she made a leap of faith
onto one of the children passing by.

the apple fell from the tree
and could not decide in which hand she would go.
"the one on the right listens to me,
but my eye falls for the one on the left," she thought.
the child caught her in both.

of one person, two hands
but only one apple.
the left hand told the right hand to go back
into the pocket
as he told the right about
everything he felt about the apple.
the apple waited slowly as it ripened beautifully.
the right hand experienced ecstasy
and god forbid, love
when he held the apple but for mere moments.
the left hand wonders about the what-ifs and
the maybes and the would-haves.
that's all he can do now as he holds the apple.

the left despises himself for what he did.
the right was afraid to have fallen in love.
the apple is left untasted and waiting.
she waits and waits and waits
and waits some more.

they all want answers.
the answers are gone.

8.12.2002

it's monday. band camp started at canyon today. surprised that everyone already knew who i was even though i graduated and they're all new to me. hmmm. life makes it interesting that way, i guess. i finally read what i wrote in ry's yearbook (it had been bugging me, this one part) and we had a nice long talk. nice long talks are good. they tend to calm me down. like nice long drives. or background music. it's eerily quiet at my house. plus i'm packing all my stuff into boxes... it's scary. moving out on thursday. we're driving out at about four in the morning. and jay gets back that day.

i'm utterly frustrated and depressed and excited and anxious and relieved and paranoid and delirious. i mumble a lot. i say nonsense. complete thoughts tend to escape me. but here's something i wrote right after i got home from that nice long talk. it's amazing what friends will make you see: the things right in front of you. i forgot about that.

thank you

why do i have to care for you so much?
maybe because i am scared as hell.
i'm too afraid to find out what happens
if i let go,
if i run away from here,
if i lose sight of this place,
if i never see you again.
will you hold my hand and help me through?
i'm scared.
you've done so much for me, you know.
i can never begin to begin to thank you enough
even though i've hurt you so goddamned much.
and still you forgive me
and smile
and laugh at my crazy antics
and care.
why do i always cry?
it's coming.
i'm gone in two days, you know.
i know you know how i really feel
even though i don't say much.
but when you look at me
but for that moment
but for every instance that you've paid attention
but for everything and nothing all at once --
you never hesitate.

sometimes i wish i could just
throw everything away
to know you're all right,
and you always say you are.
you never tell me these things.
most of the time i wish i could
just be normal, you know,
so you won't have to see me cringe in pain
or breathe short shallow breaths
gasp, trying, gasp, to, gasp
stay alive
pushing medicine through my bloodstream.
i care for you too much.

i have so much to say to you.
but the one thing we need the most, we don't have enough of
because it waits for no one.
the most i can do is pray
and hope to something, somewhere
that in the near future our paths will cross
again.
i will have much more to say then.
i will tell you.

the apple fell from the tree
and could not decide in which hand she would go.
the one on the right listens to me,
but my eye falls for the one on the left.
of one person, two hands
but only one apple.
the left hand told the right hand to go back
into the pocket
and told everything he felt about the apple.
the apple waited slowly as it ripened beautifully.
the right hand experienced ecstasy
and god forbid, love
when he held the apple but for mere moments.
the left hand wonders about the what-ifs and
the maybes and the would-haves.
that's all he can do now as he holds the apple.

just like the stone under the dreaming tree
i hope you'll come along with me.
we'll sleep to dream her many nights
and find that in our ephemeral delights
the life that we once used to live:
the one we would never have again.

thanks for listening and all your time.
i'm not worth as much as you think i am.
that's only as much as i can be.
goodbye, now.
goodbye.
i hope to see...
goodbye, now.
goodbye.

of the same person, two hands.
so similar yet innately different.
they match up when he prays.
he prays now.
goodbye, now.

and tears up at the coffee shop
with dreams of being in a band
and music in his life.
goodbye.

8.11.2002

our special guest tonight on the ink beat is mr. mike lee... and might i add, special props to him for getting into the usc school of cinema-television. they only accept about forty-five from the applicant pool of about a thousand. so congratulations, mike. i hope you enjoy this next one: i know i did.

Chipmunk

When one lucky chipmunk finds the most precious acorn; too beautiful to consume,
He may hide it away and defend it with passionate ferocity, his presence over it may always loom.
Another chipmunk may come along, wishing so much for that perfect acorn, that his heart aches with terrible desire, unfulfilled as the acorn yet resides in the other chipmunk's tree.
Long hours that hopeful, romantically hungry chipmunk may wait for a momentary glance at the acorn to set his heart for an instant; free.
With a glimpse, a fleeting feast for the eyes,
He may feel joy beyond all else, and yet his heart still yearns, his lust never dies.

What then shall our longing chipmunk friend do?
Stand by as an eternity passes and his little chipmunk love leaks through with no acorn to receive it?
More aching nights in love frenzied fits?
Should he wait until he is nothing but an empty shell,
A fur hat waiting to happen, a fuzzy coat on a hanger to sell?
Or should he brashly enter the other chipmunk's tree,
Sweeping the beautiful acorn from its unworthy beholder, set it free?
If you say the latter, should I then, like the chipmunk with his acorn, sweep you into my eager arms?

Yes... yes I should.
But will I?
No... no I won't.
My scarcity of courage leaves me only to shy away;
My little chipmunk tail between my legs,
To hope for the best:
A pity hug someday.

© 2002 by Michael Lee

8.10.2002

this would be the second poem in the abstractia installment. this was a rush job and is in the process of being made over. this is its fourth revision (yes, fourth) but this is one of the shorter poems in abstractia. it's in response to the media's exaggeration of image issues as well as a semi-love poem.

beauty

can you find it in makeup
or magazine cutouts
or on tv shows
where everyone looks like a barbie doll
emaciated and dying?

i find it lies in you.

beauty is your middle name as you laugh
at my ridiculous jokes
or when you cry at my
outpouring of emotion.
is it real?

i find it once too true.

beauty is imperfection.

can you look past the designer jeans
or the expensive jewelry
or the catalogs that seem to
stare you in the face
with images of "perfection" and "high style"?

perfection is not real.

something is dastardly wrong with us all.
some of us are fat or sickly thin
some have frizzy hair
others have terrible skin.
i like imperfection.

beauty lies in you.

so let me explain the basic premise of the first abstractia exercise. that's the alternative title to abstractia exercise #1, and is one of my current works in progress (see the WIPs located on the sidebar). this is called "#1" because i feel that it's only the first of a series -- yup, expect a whole slew more. this was an experiment on twenty abstract nouns (once again, refer to the sidebar to see the working titles of all twenty in exercise #1), seeing how much about the past few months have changed my life and later applying the mechanisms of poetry to these twenty nouns. the list provides the order that the poems were arranged and released in the third draft. no changes have been made yet, but the site will reflect these changes when they are made. so, without further ado, here is the first poem in this collection. most of you who know me are aware of whom the subject of the poem is.

courage

today i found out about courage.
how silent the enemy can be,
how unsuspecting all of us truly are:
and in that precise moment we find ourselves
weeping for what was and what is
and what it forever will be.
courage shows when you smile.

you smile like no one else does
because you brighten everyone's day with it.
you are the victim here --
should you be smiling?
the silence makes the rest of us ill
but you stifle the silence oh so well
with your relentless assault of music.

your fingers dance over the keys of the piano,
leaving traces of unbridled joy and passion:
a piece of your soul
ingrained forever in the notes
floating in the air,
catching our attention,
making us yours.

Spain flies with Open Arms
and cries for Tears in Heaven
as they stumble over Maple Leaf Rags
in a Caravan,
suffering from Narcolepsy,
remembering all too well Christmastime
and memories of Skating.

your hair bobbles
as you turn your head ever-so-nonchalantly
keeping time with the music
closing your eyes
feeling the beat
letting it all out without saying a single word.
i admire you so much.

the music lets you cry like you never have.
we never see the tears because
you are a proud individual,
too smart and too kind.
in the end we only see your radiant
smile
and it gives us courage.

we tell you to keep smiling
and to never forget
(as if we ever could)
and there you flash
trademark teeth
façade ineffable.
you have so much courage.

8.09.2002

ladies and gentlemen, today's post will be our first guest appearance on the site... if you would please welcome ms. nina chanklin on the ink beat. this was written in our english class to portray and exaggerate a role that we play in our daily lives. this also was featured in canyon high school's literary magazine for 2002, reflections of a butterfly.

The Party Girl I Should Have Been

The party girl I should have been sports her trends so cool
With eyes made up, a pout painted red,
she uses sexuality as a tool.

The party girl I should have been builds up confidence so high,
When she walks into a room, all heads turn,
since she is unkown to the term "shy."

The party girl I should have been says, "Who cares, it's my life!"
She'll talk the talk and walk the walk.
She even considered going under the knife.

The party girl I should have been lives under business and powers.
With success in her name, she plays all the right games,
hardly coming home in decent hours.

The party girl that I just mentioned would have wanted the time
to think, to give, to like, or love
or maybe just all the above.

© 2002 by Nina Chanklin

8.08.2002

for today, here's a flashback to the 2001-2002 publication of the canyon high school literary society magazine, reflections of a butterfly. in response to a question posed in english class about hamlet and self-reflection, it alludes heavily to 2001 pop culture. a special shout-out goes to melody ma, clara yoon, jenny lam, and the entire literary society for contributing and making come true the magazine for last year. it would not have been possible without them. enjoy the links embedded in the poem itself.

what i believe

first and foremost i believe in myself
for without this belief i would not be.

i believe i can be what i want me to be,
a teacher, a student, a leader, a musician, a poet, a writer.

i believe in respecting others, be it their
beliefs or faiths or opinions or selves.

i believe in pop culture and culture itself.

i believe in the power of cheese,
that pork is the other white meat,
that Britney did it again,
that reading is fundamental, and
that Derek Zoolander can too turn left.

i believe in secrets and lies and fairy tales and the
misadventures of Harry Potter.

i believe in what people want me to believe.

i believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and
above all things,
love.

i believe in love and friendship and unity
and peace and brotherhood and happiness
and humanity because without these things life
is not worth living.

i believe in dark denim jeans,
in white short-sleeved cotton oxford shirts,
in plastic thin-framed glasses with ultraviolet protection,
in ankle-length athletic socks, and
in the fact that i will do my laundry once i can't wear these clothes anymore.

i believe in the power of human nature and curiosity.

i believe in many things, like rainbows and
great works of literature and Einstein's theory of relativity.

i believe in the world.

8.07.2002

more haiku to relieve my stress. note: i wrote all of these in a short three days and there's a total of about 200 of them sitting in my notebook. eventually i'll post them all, but as of right now, i'm moving on to bigger things. send me an email if you like what you see or request for a certain haiku number. hehehe. they'll all be up sooner or later.

haiku #21

there are no more clouds
the sky is clear and bright blue
summer is waiting

haiku #36

flowers are blooming
bees are buzzing, birds chirping
it's early morning

haiku #42

i laugh and listen
the wind gently blows above
the trees laugh with me

haiku #43

a bird flies away
it left its food on the ground
it's not coming back

haiku #55

red leaves are falling
bare skeletons are left now
it's colder at night

let's get started. here's a random sampling of my haiku collection. more to come soon.

haiku #72

the stars shine brightly
wondering about what ifs
the air gives me chills

haiku #98

smile for me, just once
it makes everything better
one last smile for me

haiku #112

ripples wave hello
living vicariously
through your reflection

haiku #115

we can never tell
what the sun said to the moon
we can only guess

haiku #122

grass beneath my toes
sun beating down on my face
summer has arrived

haiku #143

saltwater spraying
waves playing over dolphins
i wish i were there

haiku #145

under the oak's shade
the children climb up higher
their laughter echoes

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