migblog

more and more things have been on my mind lately. i don't know why that is... i have a hard-copy journal that i write in at least once a day that tends to clear my mind out often, but lately, so many things have just been going on. maybe it's the spring semester, maybe it's that i'm a lot more alone this time around, and maybe it's that i worry too much for other people a lot more than i do for myself.

it's hard, writing. sometimes whenever i'm typing here i feel as if i have to impress people. i get my share of compliments and complaints, believe me, i appreciate them a lot. it's just kind of weird trying to write something that you know other people are gonna read, and hope to whatever that their opinions about you as a person don't change. it's tough, it's like keeping up a lie. only it's not, because you're really just revealing more of yourself in the process. sometimes, people can't accept the fact that you're changing. and you can't doing anything about it much, because change itself is innately inevitable.

what things are on my mind, you ask? an eclectic mix of things. like, how my future is going to play out now that music is out of the picture in the pursuit of a major. i'm actually reshaping my schedule so i can major in both cognitive science and spanish / portuguese, but it's really just crossing my fingers and hoping that my schedule works. i'm hoping it does, and i'm hoping band isn't going to be a big factor in making that decision. but it is. and it kinda really sucks knowing that i might have to give up one in pursuit of the other. you're probably thinking, well, that's not that big a deal, but it really is. there's so much that goes into doing what you love. and therein lies that difference. i like being in this university, but i love being in this band. you probably will never get to experience the full-on band-dork inside of me, but trust me, it's there, and it gets giddy when someone talks about marching 8-per-5 or hell, even uniform logistics. i love band, i don't think i'll ever be able to give it up (until, of course, i myself become an alumnus of this university, at which point i will voluntarily quit and say, 'that was a good experience, now i'll try something new,' because seriously, i have so much more things to do. and yeah, FTA).

another thing is all this time i'm finding in my hands. five minutes here or there, a half-hour here, a spare minute there. it's amazing when you don't have marching rehearsal anymore: you don't have to hike all the way up to maxwell / kleeberger (what the hell DO you call that place?), and all of a sudden you have two more hours everyday to study and do homework and basically get shit done. it's nice. and then again, it kinda gets lonely.

ah yes, lonely. as i revel in the happiness that my roommates revel in, it kinda makes me a bit uncomfortable. it's great to see people in love, or at least happy. it's a good feeling. but i can't help feeling as if i'm a third or fifth wheel all the time. when we go out to go eat, or walk down for class, or even just go downstairs -- you don't realize a sidewalk only has enough space for two people walking either side on either direction until you're caught in the middle. then you realize you have to step back and let them walk ahead of you, while you listen to the thoughts in your head remind you just one more time that you're alone in that moment. and there are thise times when i'm the only one in my room, all of the roommates gone, and i'm left pondering my existence because i feel as if i'm a burden had i gone along with any of them. and then i feel like a selfish punk, and then i shut up and go downstairs and read. i hate silence.

which is precisely why i'm loving my classes so much. all of my classes involve people with very distinct voices -- you know, those voices you hear on the street and would never forget. the way my spanish professor talks with his deep baritone voice always illicits the stares in the morning. the way valeria and cesar smoothly demonstrate the portuguese language to their students makes us swoon and wonder how they speak such a beautiful tongue. the way adam jokes around in spanish, and how we are all entertained by his obsession with shakira. it's nice to hear voices in class, not just droning monotony about the past state of an obsolete country or the chemical properties of neurotransmitters. my classmates are very vocal, very forceful in their manners of speech, it's nice. and it's always a plus when you can eat tons of candy in the middle of mcb lecture, and your professor can't care less about what your doing since he has seven hundred forty other kids to worry about.

and worry about other kids, i do too much. my best friend megan, i am glad to say, i am keeping in touch with more often. nate, in fullerton, doing his thing. the rest of the honors crowd, in their own little bubbles now of college life. the high school friends, oh my goodness, the high school friends... sometimes i wish i could just magically pull one of them out of my pocket and give them a hug, but i can't. (i miss you guys a lot.) then there are my roommates. communal living gives the term "sharing space" a whole new meaning.

and here's where i bag on my roommates. (no, just kidding. okay, maybe a little.) some people would kill to have roommates like mine. (i know, you're jealous. they don't bite, plus they wash behind their ears.) they're so cool, i'm eternally grateful to whoever configured our living situation as such. little nitpicky things grow on you, they really do. like how brian never wakes up to his own alarm clock (but wakes up magically to daniel's, which sounds exactly the same), or how he sits precariously on his computer chair, or how he sleeps routinely at 2.30 in the morning. and then there's daniel, with his headphones perpetually over his ears, or how he applies his moisturizing fungicidal anti-bacterial creams after he takes his showers, or how he walks around naked the fifteen minutes before and after his shower. and of course, there's jacob, who sometimes giggles and mumbles "hi angela" in his sleep, has his own pile of stuff in the room (besides me!), and how he types with just his index fingers as he sits on just the back two legs of his chair. yeah, my roommates are cool. we listen to "groovy music" (as daniel puts it) together, we play videogames together, we watch movies together. and then two of them have girlfriends, and one's a computer science major. and that's how i'm left alone in the room.

which brings us back to silence. at around this time in the room, the only noises you'll hear will be daniel flipping pages of his integrative biology readers, brian clacking away on his keyboard, jacob either clicking away on his mouse or whispering sweet nothings to angela. or angela whispering back those sweet nothings. and i'm left to ponder at the foot of the bunk about how and why, in silence, about this crazy life of mine. and no, i've not nearly expressed as much of what's in my mind so far. but i need to get back to being productive, since otherwise i won't be out of here in the four-and-a-half years i'm planning to be.

too many things on my mind. and i'm only in the spring semester of my freshman year.

this is good.

posted by Open Source Food @ 12:17 AM