hurts so good
parece que una de las cosas tan interesantes sobre tratar de sobrevivir en un medio ambiente como la universidad es que no puede evitar otras personas en suiciar su nombre. cualquier ventaje, cosa buena... no importa. es mas fácil ignorarlas que refutarlas; a mí no me importa porque en efectar la vida total, son insignificantes y no tienen nada más que hacer que parecerme o inutil o alguien que trata de aprovecharse a otros.
me aprecio de que tengo unos amigos quien son inteligentes y elegantes, y sé que si estoy actuando algo estúpido, me van a tirar por la cabeza y me dicen que estoy estando estúpido.
y la vida va y viene.
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fuck lung infections. and fuck coughing blood. that shit's not cool. NOT COOL.
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looking for a job around the city of berkeley is
difficult. craigslist's is so limited, and so is the career center... it's so crazy!
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can't wait for franz ferdinand next week. new album on tuesday; san francisco concert on thursday. this ought to be the bestest times ever. (although i think this entails trying to find some mj before going into the concert... either that or bring the flask, i guess.)
that single is so addicting, but according to the rolling stone, the new album's pretty badass, too. i'm so excited. and even more excited that the prospect of getting to spend the day in the city with awesome people.
have you ever heard a song you just can't stop listening to? it's like that.
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it seems silly to think about now, but when it's all over, what happens?
after graduation, there's people's weddings to attend, and hanging out with people outside of the city of berkeley, and attending gallery openings and catching up with high school friends and trying to survive on a paycheck by paycheck basis.
it gets exponentially scarier, and it gets more and more fantastic. getting recruited by the cia was cool, but is it worth it?
never ever though i'd ask myself that question, but you know, love your country and all that bullshit. if you love it so much why don't you marry it? well, if the united states were male, i can't.
there in lies the rub. i'm so disillusioned with everything that's happened, from 9/11 to madrid to london, to hurricane katrina and the tsunami. but what bothers me more is the response, the shit that's happened, and the way society's missing the big issue. yes, i understand that we have to talk about intelligent design and we have to talk about gay marriage and abortion, but do we have the resources to do so when the war's still killing kids younger than i am? do we have the resources to do so when you're worrying about gas prices skyrocketing because of fuel shortages? do you have resources when your president has to fucking pull himself out of vacation just to "help" the hurricane victims?
i'm just very frustrated. i'm proud to be an american, no doubt, but when the country acts like apeshit and the most competent people in the room aren't even americans, something's wrong. anderson cooper made a good point about this not looking like america. and kanye west, too. he said what everyone else was thinking.
to put it all in scope, in ten years, in fifteen years, will what i did matter? will playing in a band and getting up ass early every saturday morning count for world change? will my singing at sather gate end world hunger, relieve poverty, and cure aids? no. but i can sure damn try.
in ten years, in fifteen years, will the friends i've made be there for me?
call it insecurity, call it what you will; a lot of things have happened that have made me seriously doubt everything that's going on. but i guess i have a knack for avoiding the inevitable; like stephanie said, i have this "gift" that i don't care about what anyone else thinks because i just don't give a shit.
and i don't, which is fantastically liberating, but when i start
thinking about shit, it starts to get me. and it hurts, and it boggles my mind, because i know i don't deserve half the good things that have happened.
and you know why? cos i am the biggest dick you will ever get to know.
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you realize what hold others have on you when you start to give in, when you think so desperately of what so-and-so is going to think of you if you do such-and-such, or if they'll start judging you when they find out you listen to so-and-so or watch such-and-such.
this is why i don't care.
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i am so very lucky to know beautiful people, both superficially and on the inside. y'all know who you are. and if you're second-guessing yourself, then consider yourself part of the beautiful crowd.
you guys are awesome.
plop plop fizz fizz
go bears, 4-0. we're awesome.
the night of the game a bunch of us decided to converge at the bear's lair, and the atmosphere was fantastic. game night friday (a bit of a rarity when it comes to cal football) was quite the experience. sam ended up buying the kids pitchers and pitchers of golden goodness, and then there was the gallon bought by ben, and much celebration in the first two minutes of the game (yay touchdowns!).
around halftime we decided to head over to jdlp's, and the sticky-icky-icky just kept on happening. it felt like being stuck in a time warp; the game ended rather early so we decided to watch wizard of oz with pink floyd. and after all that it was really only eleven thirty, so we went and got thai food.
thai food is so good when you're stoned.
and then we passed out, and woke up to the most gorgeous saturday morning ever.
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four days of drinking, smoking, and general debauchery. can the last semester get any better?
apparently so: there's been an explosion of people who want to get back together, and i'm picking up the pieces by trying to figure out how everything ought to work out.
a lesson learned, however, is to just not mix alcohol with marijuana. the "drunk dial" becomes pretty incomprehensible.
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i absolutely hate allergies.
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i realize i am very blessed to have been surrounded with people i like, people who think like i do, and people i just plain get along with. not to sound selfish -- i mean i'm not the most fantastic person ever -- but this past year, especially, i've been grounded by these people, friends, family or otherwise.
you're all awesome. and i don't deserve it.
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i absolutely heart AiR.
hawaiian punch is tasty
death cab for cutie rox0rz my box0rz.
so does the new single from franz ferdinand, "do you want to," because it's just awesome.
i heart itunes.
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i just realized a couple of days ago that all those magazine subscriptions i signed up for like a month and a half ago are all starting to finally pour in; jst the other day there were two (TWO!) rolling stone magazines in my mailbox, followed by a print mag, and an issue of gq.
there was one point in time when i thought mad magazine was funny, and it is kinda, but now it just seems silly and boorish.
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i've heard from a couple people that the only reason they go to or that they link to my blog is due to the fact that i link to everyone else they know. i think that's a little sad. but i guess they won't read this, so go bears.
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did you see the article in cyberbears about the pushups? amazing. and i thought that mike man was useless. wait, he still is.
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singing is great. the kids in AiR are awesome, and we get along real well with each other.
and hey, none of them are fat. go bears.
there is such a thing as good tired
go bears! 3-0!
so we were playing the university of illinois fighting illini (creaive and politically correct, i know) and they had thi habit, of course, that whenever they scored points their cheerleaders would do pushups. however it seemed disrespectful to the cal fans since they were doing pushups on the endzone that marked "golden bears" -- making it seem like they were metaphorically screwing us.
therefore in response, as soon as we regained the lead, a select few of us decided to run over to the endzone and do pushups (in cal band uniform, no less). the stadium erupted and began counting along, and that was one of the bestest adrenaline rushes anyone could ever experience.
people began
talking about it online after the game, which made it that much sweeter, but it was still the experience that made it seem so awesome. cal fans can be really loud when they want to be.
good game, good game.
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i've had a total of twelve hours of sleep since thursday night, so bear with me if i seem lethargic or if it seems that every time i sit down i want to fall asleep (it's mainly because i probably do). i'm sore, i'm exhausted, and i'm at that point in time when everything seems to just click and fall in place and everything's going to work itself out.
i had two giant cups of coffee and a tall glass of coke, so if you see me today, i might be pretty loopy. i need it.
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thursday was delirium because of craziness in the morning, planning the largest fundraiser i have spent my time on, followed by an afternoon of finishing up event logistics followed by a three-hour singing rehearsal followed by a ridiculous bonding with the phonez and the trombones (and my little bear!).
and then friday rolled around when i had work in the morning, a noon cncert, event set-up, and then the fundraiser. i got back home, cleaned up the house, and basically passed out because of exhaustion and alcohol.
then saturday came and i had early morning practice, followed by chill hours with ben and terza, and then the football game. i hauled my ass back home to take a shower and then headed to danville for our retreat, which consisted of insane amounts of alcohol, cosmic bowling, drinking games, and mafia.
i got back to berkeley exhausted, but go figure that we have another rehearsal sunday evening in order to kick some more ass monday afternoon on sproul. (watch me!)
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just bought tickets to franz ferdinand on october 6. guess who's missing rehearsal that evening!
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the english language needs to have a separate word for "contented sigh." this weekend desrves one of those.
gmfb
56-17 on saturday against the huskies at seattle.
can we say most points scored ever by an opponent at husky stadium?
can we say, 'go motherfucking bears we're 2-0'?
GO MOTHERFUCKING BEARS WE'RE 2-0!
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for the first time in years it felt good to be out there singing again. i did my first-ever sproul today, met with a spectacularly large audience (especially for AiR!) and a great crowd response. familiar faces and big smiles helped out a lot, and i thank everyone who was able to make it. not like there's not going to be any more, so really al i'm saying is grab a bite to eat and watch us sing on sproul. it'll be a nice change of pace in lieu of class.
from everyone's comments we sounded awesome for a first sproul. i can't wait to see and hear what this group can do with time.
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my favoritest boss at work turned in her resignation, and her last day is thursday.
the last staff meeting on friday made me fight back tears and when she was reading the card i read to her i could see her getting misty and i couldn't help but shed one tear.
i'm going to miss her so much. she's been an inspiration and a rock for us, and i don't know what i'm going to do with the other guy as our tour coordinator.
kick some ass, doctor pamelaia!
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for about an hour last night i found myself in the nasty habit of checking email every five minutes then rotating to blog-checking every ten. cnn.com was open in another window and so really it was an hour of hitting the refresh button or links to people's blogs that haven't been updated -- some in days, the others, months.
i lead a very sad and not-so-fulfilling life on sunday evenings, save for singing rehearsals.
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so much scandal going on with this hurricane katrina relief effort. chertoff's basically screwed if another disaster happens in-house (yay diverting troops to iraq!); fema's director brown resigned; and oh yeah, there's president douchebag too (anyone see the family guy movie yet? more on that later).
there's dead bodies everywhere in new orleans, and many pets dying because their owners were forced to leave them behind.
there are so many displaced people that it's going to take longer than a while when it comes to getting back to normal in new orleans.
and not just there -- there are so many other towns literally swept off the map because of the disaster, and there's barely anything they could do in order to go back to normalcy.
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four years ago onsunday there was that thing that's called 9/11 and it happened while i was a senior in high school. it was tuesday morning. in lieu of learning spanish we were glued to the tv set and we got sent home.
four years after the fact, after just having been there, i lost three friends, nights of sleep, and a bit of my sanity.
but four years later, i find myself stronger, appreciative, and grateful.
to those who suffered and those who still do. your loss should not be in vain, and should not be for gain.
rip liam, robin, and meredith. i miss you all so much.
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you have to make time. time doesn't make itself.
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family guy movie very recently downloaded. it's cute, and it has some good laughs. some very predictable moments, but thre are a few zingers that will get you. and i mean that.
stewie griffin is the best character ever created.
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so many puppies today!
things to note as of recently
so everyone was making a big fuss about new orleans (and they should), but what about all those other little towns and parishes that were destroyed but haven't heard jack shit from fema?
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crosswords are great, but don't get me wrong, the daily cl crossword is still the easiest and shittiest piece of crosswording shit out there.
go for the new york times.
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john roberts looks like a douchebag. if this guy's going to be chief supreme court justice, he better fucking know who he's dealing with. bader-ginsberg can be such a bitch.
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i thoroughly enjoyed kanye west's lambaste of the president (i think his exact words were "george w. bush hates black people."), but the man makes good points. how come when they show black people on tv it's "looting" but when white people do it they're "searching for food"? double standards.
funny how after forty years past the civil rights movement, america is still just as ignorant. women still aren't getting paid equal salaries, racial and ethnic minorities still don't have parity, and same-sex relationships don't hold up to the law. where the fuck did the validity of "all men are created equal" come from?
i fucking love and hate this country so much at the same time. it's one of the few places where you can make fun of your government and get a slap on the wrist, but you can still watch "friends" reruns two hours later.
it's just like christianity: nothing's wrong with the concept except for the people who interpret it.
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drinking in the afternoon is great. drinking at one of the best college sports bars is great. and drinking until everyone around you is happy, hot, and huggable is even better.
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times when you can just hang out and shit around with some good friends and good stories are so precious. it never really felt like it before but now after three years it all seems to come crashing down. you cherish these moments more simply because it all seems so tenuous; it's still hard to imagine that a lot of these people i will probably still hang out with when i'm all old. except for david; he never gets old.
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television is worth watching for a few shows, and tha's it. save for pbs, don't trust your local channel. and goddamn, get cable.
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slight, awkward realization: is this what normal people do? this weekend seems to be so empty and ready to be pillaged. i'm not going to seattle for the game (i wish i could!) but that really just leaves me with a lot of time on my hands this weekend.
it kinda sucks though since all the people i hang out with are on that trip.
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beer, wine or liquor? of all three i had yesterday, beer was the most satisfying, wine was the one that calmed me down, and liquor was just fun.
i guess it's a three-way-tie.
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anyone see any good movies lately? the last one i saw was "the 40-year old virgin." laughs abounded.
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do not, i repeat, do not try to do a cappella while just a bit buzzed. it's ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d.
saving it for later
i've wanted to talk about so many things, but as soon as i start something new just keeps on popping up and i can't help but wait for it again.
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hurricane katrina was devastating. if you look at it all with some perspective, you realize that this city was so culturally and historically rich that to be ignored as such was a major slap in the face.
ill-preparedness and ignorance didn't help out any bits, either, but the volunteerism response is amazing and it's kind of nice to see that side of america every once in a while. it's a wonder why it takes a category 4 hurricane to bring americans together.
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every year i've waxed poetic on silent walk, but this year, when i was able to go on it again, it really did hit that this was a bit of a special occasion. newman year, it all seemed so awe-inspiring (let alone weird), but now, shifting things after four years of band and school, everything goes back into that perspective. you're charged with these things because you're part of something so much bigger, and probably omething bigger than you might even imagine.
joining the band then and eventually planning the walk now made it that much more special, seeing the looks on the newmen's faces, tired, glazed over, yet holding on to whatever they could muster in terms of energy and attention, trying to really get enraptured and captivated by such an event.
you hear people gasp and feel their hearts skip a beat when they hear the bells toll, when they hear voices in harmony, and when they see at first just a darkened stadium with the scoreboard only to reveal the entire membership right there witnessing their formal induction.
you see the largest smiles on people's faces when you tell them congratulations, and you feel a great sense of pride and urgency when you pin someone into membership. it feels even better when they hug you right back and tell you thanks in your ear. and it feels the best when you have a great time with your little bear and hang out with good friends you know you'll keep for life.
little bear, you're awesome. you're a good kid.
and congratulations, class of 2005, and welcome. i love you all.
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today i had my first intense rehearsal with AiR! and it was glorious. singing never felt like so much fun.
watch out for us on september 12th -- i promise you , we'll rock your socks off. maybe even your sweatshirts if the weather permits, but i promise you, it'll be fun.
to new friends, new harmonies, and new antics for the coming semester.
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one of my best friends left for china this saturday, and i know he's on the other side of the world now, but it hasn't really hit that i won't be able to surprise him at ucla nor would i be able to just drunk dial the kid any night i wanted.
this is a strange, strange feeling.
it makes me want to think about all the other times i would see these best friends of mine. soon (and i'm betting sooner than later) one of us will be getting married and more of us moving, but the fact of the matter is, i think -- and i'm being entirely optimistic here -- that we're all going to grow up together, and no matter how far apart we are or how crazy things get, we all want that feeling of everyone being there, of their being part in something so momentous.
so the moral of the story is, tell your friends that they're essentially family anyway, and that they better show up to the next birthday party, whosever it may be.
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go bears. we're 1-0.
