bounce bounce bounce
up and down, that's where life inevitably takes you. it decides to make you sublime one moment and then miserable the next; it turns the unexpected into the best moments and the unforgettable ones as the worst. it can make someone harbor such ill will and good intentions, meaning to hurt your feelings yet one more time.
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the whole week has been declared a state of emergency, also known in layman's terms as 'the shitties week ever.' from the landlady telling us we have until the end of may to move all our shit out to being in a messy state of affairs -- you can read into that however you want -- all the way to having migraines at work an heart complications (read into that one too), the week progressed ever so crappily that it seems as if the next day can only get better, except it gets better in the wrong direction.
even now, run-on sentences are making more sense.
it is a terrible, terrible state of affairs to be in.
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like i had said before, the people who don't deserve to be in the shit often tend to be the ones who are already chest-deep in the mess. and the effort in their optimism pays off in their karma. they don't know they don't deserve the shit they're in.
but the people who do deserve it can usually get themselves out. it ain't fair.
it ain't fucking fair, and i have no fucking time.
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it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
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i met dan rather and jimmy buffett this week. on the agenda: jane goodall, al gore, and metallica.
i have the coolest job in the entire fucking world.
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the friends you rarely see are the ones you tend to have the best time with. the ones you've never met are the ones you remember first. and the ones who don't even need to try to do anything are the ones that change your life. from watching movies to just talking, the dynamic changes from gorup to group, but that energy that flows from one person who understands you best is unmatched.
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there is an evil side of me that wants to see you fail.
i want nothing but the best and the worst for you.
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i feel like i don't deserve the shit i'm in, but would you think otherwise?
a strange exhilaration
i don't know what he's after.
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i just want you to know how i feel, whatever it is or was. and it hurts, but like you say, stay strong, and i will. and i'll never understand the whys and the ifs and the buts, but give it some time. i'll get there eventually.
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the people that keep you grounded usually don't deserve the shit they go through. give them hugs, tell them how much they mean to you, and make them smile. you'll make their day. it's worth the trouble telling them because they appreciate it about a million times back.
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when creative people get together and different energies from different outlets seem to mesh on that one wavelength, it's a great thing to behold. when you hear a line of music, when you see a certain color, when you feel that rhythm in your head pounding on your hands and feet -- that synchronicity is what those creative energies are fueling towards, and it's an amazing thing when it clicks.
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gina is a fantastic roommate. i should be so lucky.
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to feel so much doesn't mean to be so much; too feel with others doesn't mean to be sympathetic so much. to feel and to live, to breathe, takes the collective effort of many sympathies and the foolish persistence of your being. to live, in effect, is to taunt death, to realize that one moment of extreme mortality, your life flashing before your eyes, gasping for air.
it's a fine line between life and death.
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shambles. my life is in shambles.
and i'm kinda okay with that.
for good or for awesome
yesterday was nice and warm, but now, it's gray and shitty. what the fuck, man?
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it's so sad to see something progress from the beginning as awesome to almost non-existent. you die a little inside.
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last night at work, pink floyd came into the restaurant. as in, the pink floyd.
then i looked at the sheets for next week and saw that jane goodall was having dinner.
great, i thought, first, acid-tripping musicians, next, shit-throwing primatologists.
we do attract some crazies sometimes.
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good: the california asparagus crop is coming in, and it's delicious.
bad: about 40% of the people who eat asparagus metabolize it as such so that a sulfur compund is excreted in their urine, giving it what we have affectionately called "the stinkles."
worse: i am in that 40%.
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maundy: thursday. i don't even know what maundy means.
good: friday. so that's why they weren't serving red meat yesterday.
black: saturday. no jesus today, folks. keep on your toes.
easter: sunday. i'm too old to get gifts from the bunny. maybe i'll just eat rabbit.
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you know you want to go to the AiR show. buy tickets from me.
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some days i wake up and i get this nagging feeling that i shouldn't even be here anymore. not like in the suicidal kind of way, but in the berkeley kind of way. i know i'm just feeling more and more left out of that whole thing that was the undergraduate experience, and the further i am from it, the better; though i can't escape it since physically it's so close by.
it makes me cringe sometimes when people complain about midterms and tests and papers and finals; i did the same thing, get over it.
and then the real world slaps me back into reality when i'm sitting at home on a friday night, bored, when all of the people i know have already set out for their usual friday night ritual of party-hopping and drunken escapades.
i have no friends.
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kristen: who's getting all the love? oh, it's calista!
calista: aww, yay!
mig: it's like bukkake! caliwukkake!
poursh: wait, what's 'bukkake'?
larry: you've never heard of 'bukkake' before?
poursh: no. what is it?
mig: it's like a costco-sized gluestick.
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it's time for a change.
mix it up
friday evening was one of my favorite worknights since it was so beautifully laid back. no drama, no hassle, just work. and that's how it should be.
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saturday morning was the AiR alumni mixer, and the best part was running around and meeting people from all over the place and hearing their stories. not to mention around thirty people singing the same song was an amazing thing; sylvia's "ears are hurting like crazy!"
moral of the story: friends are amazing people. grow old with them.
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saturday night was the charter gala for the university. if you ever have the chance to go, go. it's worth the trouble.
the food was great, the entertainment was off the hook, and being there was an experience all in itself that never ceased to amaze me. (the booze alone was amazing enough.)
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sunday was the day we spent in the city, singing in the rain at ghirardelli square, trying to earn money as we tried to avoid getting wet.
singing in the rain is something everyone should experience.
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sooner or later? i think it should be rephrased as "sooner or even sooner?"
not happening
it's four in the fucking morning and i can't sleep. what the fuck.
drip drip drop little april showers
"april showers" used to be a cute little song from
bambi that i used to listen to every time my niece would come over and point at the disneyana collection that we had at home. small as she was she always managed to grab the cd, so it was requisite listening anytime we would go somewhere -- to the beach, the mall, around the corner. this kid ate this stuff up.
but, anyway, back to the song. so this would most inappropriately play in the background when the most inopportune moments were operating on the real world. once it played when it was drought season in southern california; there was a radio newscast that said something about wildfires blazing through the inland counties. two seconds later, "april showers" comes on. there was one where we were at the beach and on our way home, the sky turned unexpectedly gray and rain poured down for about two days. to what song? "april showers."
and now that it's finally april, the first two days of it all have been marked by, what else, little april showers, the sun not turning any brighter than two hours at a time.
but the best part really is that out there somewhere, "april showers" is someone's drag queen name.
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saturdays should be spent with friends.
sundays should be spent nursing hangovers with friends.
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the funny thing with relationships is, as i was telling someone last night, it doesn't matter whether or not you viscerally react to something, but in how much you invest your time in it. and in the end, it's ll really about connecting with someone and relating to them on some higher level that both of you appreciate, one of those great "sum is more than the whole of its parts" mysteries the world tends to offer up quite a bit.
what i'm really trying to say is, why aren't i there with you?
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maintaining something is exponentially harder to do than just flat out doing something. it's like a college student with laundry: you try to keep the hamper as empty as possible, but in the end, when you finally do HAVE to do your laundry, it's costing you $20 in quarters and two weekends to do.
things just need to get easier, and i have a feeling that the near future will present something like that.
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i can't stand hypocrites. really, i can't.
maybe that's why sometimes i can't stand myself.
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watch yourself, kids. be safe. no one likes a gimp in april.
