migblog

thank you to hiro, daniel, tanya, and rachel for being awesome sounding boards last night. especially to hiro when i needed my coffee break at eleven forty-five in the evening, i think there was a perfectly good reason for me to go to the other side of campus to enjoy someone's company.

and on that note, the issues came up of simple decency, common courtesy, and growing up. three things we all need to realize to all of their full potentials, but other people just don't seem to want to grasp the concept. fuck nonconfrontationalism, fuck passive-aggressiveness, just grow the fuck up because i really can't stand it anymore.

i guess it's partly my fault being jaded this young, but when my maturity level is higher than someone a few years older than i am, i think there's something wrong. i don't end up being mentored or befriended; in fact, i feel like a therapy patient or a colleague from class whom you know but never talk to. just another face, just another problem.

but thanks to the jadedness, i think it's also a bit beneficial: i can really care less about what you think of me, because i'm probably smarter than you are, and i'm probably better off where i am in my mental health because i have enough self-confidence (almost to the point of being a crass braggart, but not enough to tell you to your face that i'm better than you). i'm also comfortable enough with who i am, because if i'm not, then i might as well be in high school all over again.

it's not even the issue of growing balls. it's the issue of growing up, being a little jaded, and being a little selfish, because in this world, you can't avoid the fact that people will hate you.

in a few days, i'll be extremely happy to be hanging out with friends, and extremely lonely that i'm apart from my family. ladies and gentlemen, please pray for my grandmother. she's in intensive care, lungs collapsed, on machines. i'm the only one in the family who's not in southern california because, well, things didn't quite work out.

and for me to not be able to talk to anyone much about anything last night was relatively nerve-wracking. i wanted to gouge my eyes out because i felt so awkward having to initiate conversation for the nth time, and because of that, i almost snapped.

things feel just contrived and sometimes, trivial. i hate it, becaues i've put enough effort into this that i can't seem to get anything out of it. and as much as i try, there's nothing to grasp, nothing to take away from the experience other than "i don't know why i'm still doing this because doing this solves nothing."

yes, i was visibly disturbed about my grandmother's situation yesterday when i found out from my mother. i can't imagine that, in my mother's case, she's seeing the woman who gave birth to her confined to a bed and strapped on a few machines. it's not healthey for the psyche nor the spirit, and it was devastating to hear on the other end of the line.

friends definitely help, but when the two-hour interim of conversaton happens to be pointless music and formalities about showering, i had to draw the line. i had to get up, say that i'm going again for the fifteenth time in one and a half weeks, and voice my frustrations to someone who can somewhat understand my struggle.

communication is so hard, especially when you're not used to putting yourself out there. and when you do, you feel so vulnerable, and i've placed way too much trust for me to expect a response. so far, so nothing, and so, i'm left again waiting to see what will happen.

merry holidays, everyone. introspection and revelations to come, i hope.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:31 AM