migblog

and as such, for the last entry of the year of 2002, i look back with some weird feeling in my head (after a wonderful, exhilarating day at magic mountain and riding batman: the ride twice -- best ride ever!) and small pang in my heart. all in all, it's been a good year. i think i've changed a lot, and despite some things not being for the better themselves, i think i've found myself on new ground, trying to find my footing and securing myself with new experiences.

january. the beginning of the end of senior year. you could feel it in the atmosphere when everyone started talking about just waiting for those damned college applications to come pouring in. unfortunately for the rest of us, they would only torment us until they came in the mail two months afterwards.

february. so. well. short and sweet like a honey-dipped dwarf. february went by way too fast, and we were trying to figure out how the whole literary magazine thing would start.

march. oh my goodness, would you look at that... new york university, ucla, uc irvine, uc san diego, and hell, even usc all wanted me to go to their school. but the big one came last and definitely not least: berkeley came into the picture, and man, am i ever glad i chose that path.

april. yeah going to hawaii and winning "most outstanding corps style drum major" at the invitiational! that was one of the most fun times i've had anywhere ever. the island was beautiful, and the fanta they served at the mcdonald's was fanta-stic. (badum-ch!)

may. so love found me in deep shit. this month made me wonder the most until i realized what the fuck i was doing to some of the people with whom i was closest. sorry and i love you to all those people i hurt in the process.

june. and high school ends... so fast, so seemingly trivial, high school. no more calculus tests, no more english essays, no more history and governement lessons. no more literary society meetings at borders, no mnore band banquets, no more hanging out at the outdoor stage until all hours of the late afternoon. no more casino fridays, no more drum major uniform, no more nhs shirts, no more disneyland every other week, no more ap tests. no more high school.

july. lull, lull, visit berkeley for orientation purposes. why am i not surprised at the wonder this school is offering me? so many options, so many things to do here at cal. best experiences of my life, until i realized that i would have to leave anaheim in about three weeks after that. threee weeks, and my life would change forever.

august. bittersweet goodbyes and new hellos, ftp davis, move-in day at TH, meeting my roommates (and thank god i have cool roommates!), and getting the berkeley culture shock. it was quite a rush, i might add.

september. getting into the groove of things. great feeling to have met so many friends here at cal, especially with the band. saw some old high school folk as well, and man, september just fuggin kicked ass.

october. the beginning of midterms. would not see light of day until mid-november.

november. thank goodness for no more midterms, and thank goodness that we got the axe and we won big game!! i love this university. and then my life went to shambles after receiving more than one harrowing email after another. things were not looking good back in anaheim, but things kept happening that prevented me from doing anything about it.

december. weirdest feeling ever. i miss all the cal folks, and i have a strange urge to see all my high school friends too. and now, waiting for grades to come in and approximately less than three hours than the coming of the next year (which i hope is prosperous to everyone), i hope that the next semester would be blessed with as much fun and good times i had this past four months, especially.

i love you all, and may you have a prosperous new beginning to a wonderful end of the year. take care, and i'll see you when i do.

posted by Open Source Food @ 9:25 PM 0 comments

so it's friday. again. in anaheim. again.

pineapple

so many eyes...
does she see the truth, or does she lie?
can't find unless you try.
so many...
prickle prickle prick,
tension in the air so thick.
impenetrable to the words of
disaster and death.
who knew she could
be so
sweet and tempting and juicy
like life's gossip,
oozing rumor and drama out of
every
last

drop?

how is she
so tough,
so delicious
like a summer sun
bejeweled in
the moment:
tropical breeze
swaying the hammock, lazy?
so many eyes.
she kills when she smiles.
how do you do that?

sweet to the eye,
sweet to the soul,
sweet to the tooth,
sweet to the core.

how are you so tough?

'my mother.'

you are so perfect.

--[nate says a pineapple is neither a pine nor an apple, discuss]--

posted by Open Source Food @ 4:35 PM 0 comments

orange

bright and bold and big and juicy,
married mistress of the sun.
a love affair she does have, you see --
with the neighboring citrus' son.
stars above and light below:
silver sheening silently.
illuminated by moon's glow
not one sound as to violently
disrupt the fragile sheet of time.
she blossomed as a flower white.
drawn in by the aura of that one lime
seduced the green with all her might.
the orange, bright and bold and brassy,
bore her soul for all to see.
'his eyes are mine or fall down does he,'
cursed the orange gleefully.
the lime, transfixed, with all his power
stood up still and stared, intense.
and in that one ungodly hour
felt emotion so immense.
'i love her blind,' the lime had spoke,
her upper hand to strike the fear.
'i love her true, that is no joke,'
and with her madness she did adhere.
a few days, gone, transformed entirely
into Temptress, smoldering hot.
the lime could only gape and smile,
knowing of her marriage he did not.
a smile, a tear, a wave, a kiss.
the lime turned ripe for orange's lips.
and in her soul, a dark abyss:
not one kind soul in all her tips.
then, sunrise of the fifteenth day
brought on a maddening, blistering heat.
the sun had seen what mischief lay:
disloyalty, his heart skipping a beat.
'with all my heart and all my soul
did trust with you i fully did!'
the orange smiled, her eyes like coal.
'my love for you, i merely hid
behind a curtain of despair.'
the sun turned white-hot in contempt.
'burn us both with driest air
you will,' she said as an attempt
to save her life, and solely hers.
the lime was only a simple toy.
the sun did smite without a curse:
the lime had fallen, without joy.
to doom and darkness, he had tumbled
driven mad by heat and pain.
hiding truth and motives jumbled,
trick the sun, she did, again.
'the mistress of the sun will shine
for all eternity until
grapes could no longer produce wine.'
the sun would smile. and hold his still.

the orange did deceive the lime
but how will you fare in your time?
the orange cheated yet survived --
and more than once she had imbibed
the drink of gods, the sun's great kiss.
something sure was here amiss.
the orange smiles and lives on so.
will you, our lime, to all depths go?

--[nate's oranges might be sweeter]--

posted by Open Source Food @ 2:31 AM 0 comments

you know, jake, for having known you for only about four months, i can honestly say that you are one of the most interesting and true people i have ever met. you remind me a lot of my good ol' friends back in the day, the ones i would see almost constantly, the ones who knew each and every little quirk of mine. even when i started pestering and harrassing you about things, you just grinned and bore it. thanks, i guess. i mean, i guess i should be telling you this, but you know that i speak better with ink on paper, or in this case, code on a browser page.

you don't know how a simple smile on your face and a concerned look when you sat across from me tonight was so relieving and comforting. when i left after feeling like shit, you came looking for me. and hell, even during the thing, you cracked jokes. there's really no better feeling when the range of emotions i experience at a particular moment change from bitter agony to relieved laughter. in four months, i grew a lot closer to you than to much anyone else in this entire university, sharing some interesting and zany things with you i never thought i'd be able to. in the span of four months, i've violated your personal space, helped you out with your various problems and issues, tease you, and hell, even slept in your bed. and what do you do? you just give it right back. even the bed thing.

so i guess what i'm trying to say while trying to be really verbose and circumlocutory is THANK YOU. you don't know how much i appreciate that quick attentiveness you have whenever i have an episode or when you just start randomly giving me stuff. thank you, i don't know how many times i'll have to say it for it to register in my head or have it be sincere or have it mean anything, but that's all i'm really trying to say. i don't say it enough, and i doubt i ever will, but you have to know how much i value something like this, someone like you, as a friend, and to an extent, the older brother i really wanted (cos honestly, the one i have now isn't particularly interesting).

when you look at this and then look at me from across the room and wonder why i wrote it, just close your eyes. think of happy things. think of things that would never be the same, and think of things that will forever remain the same in your memory. cherish them with all your heart, love them with all your soul, and remember that those are the types of things i'm extremely thankful for.

thanks, jake. thanks for everything.

posted by Open Source Food @ 10:42 PM 0 comments

i really really hate it when my body just messes up my circadian rhythm just because it can. i mean, it's 6.05 am (the bottom right hand corner of the screen says to me) and i am still up. like, from friday morning. why oh why can i not fall asleep? it's not like i have a final or anything tomorrow. i guess it's a good thing. by sunday, i'll have had my sleep pattern reorganized and i'll be ready to tackle my geology final on tuesday. speaking of which, i should really get the notes from somebody on that class. like, really.

i raped my math final and my english paper, thank you very much. now i only have my ed40 paper, due on monday, and said geology final. and it goes to say that i am not heading down to anaheim until the 21st. yeah, it's kinda lame. but then again, it'll be a nice, relaxing three days when i just hang out around berkeley / san francisco. it's a fascinating place, the bay area. i am very much grateful that i got into this school and had the pleasure of experiencing northern california like it is. university life isn't so bad -- it's actually quite refreshing and fantastic seeing new and vivacious faces everyday. everyday, there's a new person to meet, a new place to go to, a new thing to do. it's fantastic. it's so surreal sometimes, too. i'd never expected to go to san francisco wearing an obsolete tgi-fridays uniform and a straw hat, then play music for a tv station, then get fed the most fantastic burgers and garlic fries i have ever had in my entire life. it's amazing, this experience. i am so glad i'm here.

and another thing, i am so happy for the people around me. it's really rather relieving seeing the tension gone, and that there's no more worrying or mind games being played. it's a fantastic world. i'm so happy right now, and truthfully, i wish it the best of luck. it's amazing seeing something like that happen, you know -- something i can't really tell you as of yet, but hopefully i'll get to be the bringer of good news and shout it around the world. it's a secret i really want to tell, but obviously can't. i will tell you that i am extremely excited that this is happening, it's like, FINALLY, and then we can all go back to worrying about ourselves in our normal lives. i'm ecstatic right now, riding off of the highs from people around me. it's such a good feeling when everyone around you is bringing in and circulating this positive energy.

on a side note, i thought i'd go along and change my tone for something more unorthodox for my entries in fruitbasket. since everything i was doing was seemingly so predictable. faded photograph grew out of complete nothingness, a mere exercise of wanting to write and then, doing so. i wish i had more moments like those, the ones where you can just write and write and write until you've expended all your energies on writing and nothing else. it's like feeling the mental burn, pouring out the emotional juice, per se. it's a great feeling when i can write something and know that it might be inconsquential now, but then later on it turns out something political or even life-altering. the power of words surely does make me wonder. it encompasses all that is fine and symbolic and literate, and at the same time, it's so imaginary and abstract that at times it can make no sense but still strike a chord.

so. this would be my fourth non-academic all-nighter courtesy of the events at and around december 13th and 14th. i love you all. may rest find you quicker than it will find me.

posted by Open Source Food @ 6:23 AM 0 comments

apple

the apple laughed a sweet
laugh when she did meet
this one surely polite
(he claims he doesn't bite)
creature by the branch
that she was by. 'can't
see yourself in pictures, eh?'
she said to mr. worm. 'they
just don't seem to want to hear
the whole story,' he said. 'dear
worm,' the apple said. 'i like you.'
he blushed and hugged and blew
the apple a kiss. 'you,' he said,
'you, i adore,' and fed
the apple much to her heart's content.
the night to come was much different.

'lalala' the apple sang, waiting for
the worm to swing by and tell her
how beautiful she really was
and how ripe and juicy she does
make him feel. wait and wait she
did, but nothing came. a simple bee
buzzed by, but all he said was 'hello.'
the apple cried and screamed high and low
until she felt her insides rip
apart like melting wax, making her tip
to a side of the branch she had
never been on. she choked so bad
and could do nothing but accept
her untimely fate: she fell, and she kept
falling to the ground, a prospect of new
life in exchange for sweet death. to
the ground, splat, roll, maneuvering with ease
and grace. once on the floor, her soul released
itself from the juicy mess that was life and
redemption. from her profile, a single bend
on her elegant twig. and next to it,
a violation of her most private being: lit
by the sheen of the setting sun
a hole in her side, penetrated, open, left to rot and run
under the glow of nighttime. and out of the corner
of her eye, movement -- running for the border
was the culprit! and none other than the most
intimate of beings was her violator: the worm, post-
haste, savoring in the moment, relishing in the glory
that was taking the apple's innocence. surely
it was a mistake, a hapless incident, but in all
truth, it was the worm, smirking. appalled,
she dug herself deep into the ground, weeping.
the rape of the apple had led to her death, keeping
the balance of nature's goodness in the right.
she wept until she saw light.

--[nate's apples are over here]--

posted by Open Source Food @ 2:23 AM 0 comments

i feel like writing.

faded photograph

sifting through the contents of my stuffy attic room
searching through the boxes that this dust has but consumed
come across some treasures i was sure i'd never see
showing me the life back then of how it used to be:
simple and amusing as a dandelion head
not remembering any mumbled words i ever said
running through the park midday, and losing all my breath
oldness often brings too swift the blow, and childhood's death.
friends that share a lifetime of the fondest memories
set on ink and paper, and a picture by the sea.
black and white, the picture is, on dull sepia glow
'friends forever,' both had said, 'still, when the times are low.'
back i look, and now i find myself near choked with tears
wishing that i had once more the glory of those years.
wonder is the only thing that i can do sometimes --
think of silly things to write and write poetic rhymes.
when i look back at those faces on that portrait blurred
memories come flooding back, my body whole is slightly stirred.
once i see a friendship of the greatest magnitude
now i am left with guilt and sorrow of such amplitude.
reading through your letters i can only sigh and mope
future might seem bleak, but our realtion still has hope
flash and 1, 2, 3 did follow our perfected smiles
all we're left with is the anguish and between us, many miles.
ask of you i do this simple, yet, important wish:
hold my hand, and take me there, and we shall go to bliss.
on the faded photograph, 'i'll see you soon enough'
never did i understand your sweet and sorry gruff.
realizing that i've spent much time remembering the good
rushed and stowed the contents of the past misunderstood.
took away the picture of the pair, of you and me
closed the attic door and hid away the golden key.

gray and brown, the picture stood, alone against the wall.
never did forget to catch me when i had to fall.

all is lost and now forgot, the picture in the wind.
forgive me once, you never did, when i did to you sin.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:24 AM 0 comments

classes end, and finals begin... wish me luck.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:30 AM 0 comments

today, in conjunction with poet nate zablan...we've started a project. here's our press release:

mig: it's a poetic experiment on self-evaluated comparative poetry _{(underbreath) take that, BS} on the subject of fruits. _{(aside) hahaha.}
nate: an idea birthed from sleep deprivation at a few minutes past midnight. late at night, we tend to think of fruit--
and adrenaline rushes fading into the darkness don't help. so here we present our experiment formulated to you, our experimental audience...
_{(DRUMROLL...marquis drops from ceiling)}
fruitbasket. (a project suite)
_{(canned applause)}
we're conceited bastards.
enjoy.
_{(end scene)}

posted by Open Source Food @ 12:58 AM 0 comments

so tonight was the band banquet and i really wasn't expecting to get much of anything... but apparently, our ex-comm decided that i was the "most outstanding first year lower woodwind player in the california marching band." (that's what it says on the plaque.) i am so excited, you don't even know. i thought our very own zack bruno was gonna get the award... but either way, it would have been a phonez, and that's all that really matters right now. plus, there's a nice thing called a cash stipend tacked on to the award, so i think i'm gonna have me some spending money. hehehe, today was just so awesome, it's insane.

beth went and visited TH today after a marvelous round of taboo in education class. she got depressed. hi beth. and yeah, it is french.

testing schedule looks to be fun: tuesday-thursday, then papers up the butt.

and nEXt-comm got elected today too... that was the toughest election i have ever had to vote in. but i'm very glad and extremely confident that nEXt-comm was very well chosen and will be an amazing group that will lead us in the next year. so to bryan blythe, angela riedel, jim bosch, michelle chan, and last but definitely not least, rod susperreguy, congratulations, and i know you guys will do a fantastic job next year. so with that, good luck, and go bears.

go bears... that's all i can really fathom to say right now. i'm overwhelmed and tired and anxious and restless all at the same time. today has been very, very good.

posted by Open Source Food @ 11:55 PM 0 comments

apparently maintaining and building a blog such as this one takes a massive amount of time. so much time, in fact, that i lose sight of most everything else. so, i tried a little experiment: i had someone time me. just to see how much time i actually do waste, you know, since having a voice isn't important at all. you know, having an outlet is just so last year. get your own damn free open diary or something.

with the help of a trusty watch and someone on the other side timing me, here are the latest results:

signing in to blogger and clicking the appropriate blog: 0:12
typing up a normal "update" post such as this one: 1:47
typing up a normal "poetry" post: 5:17
republishing archives: 0:24
reestablishing template (ie, linking new sites, making the rest of the page pretty and nice): 2:13
setting settings: 0:55
viewing page/ scanning template for errors: 0:41
viewing webpage for result: 0:03

grand total? upkeep of a little more than ten minutes a day. ten minutes, you say, you can do a lot in ten minutes. yes, i can. like update this webpage.

well, i'd rather that than, you know, waste my time with more trivial things like astrology or worrying if i sound too analytical (you can't ever sound analytical since sounding analytical requires skill), or let alone having a list of things so stuff could be first on it. or trying to be mature, because apparently, i can't be that, either. but it'll only take ten minutes of my time, and ten minutes is an awful lot. i can write half a page of an essay if i tried in ten minutes. i can watch a good portion of the news in ten minutes (or at least get the headlines). i can practice on my saxophone, i can read the newspaper, i can check my email. all of these in ten precious minutes. my heart can beat about 967 times in those ten minutes. i can withdraw money, take the perimeter bus from eshleman to soda, read twelve pages in a novel, do a house chore, powernap, burn a mix cd, take a shower, scarf some cereal, do three problems for math homework, go to the main stacks, or even go window shopping on telegraph in ten minutes.

ten minutes... i have ten minutes at the top of every hour to get to my classes. i'm almost always never late, but i'm almost always too early. ten minutes can mean the difference between life and death. ten minutes can be forever and a lifetime, or it can be short and sweet. ten minutes can last an entire song or five different tracks on a del amitri album. ten minutes can mean truth, ten minutes can mean freedom, ten minutes can determine existence. ten minutes is so powerful, it hurts.

i never knew keeping up a webpage takes forever and a day. because, you know, agents don't exist where i can't type posts without the appropriate script behind it. everything you see, apparently, comes straight out of a microsoft frontpage editor document, hand-edited, meticulously pored over per line of code. you see this line right here? it's so complicated, it takes an hour of my time to write just the code. all so you can read it in three measly seconds.

and yeah, ten minutes is nothing compared to the amount of time i devote to drinking hard liquor. you know, like jagermeister and goldschlager and jack daniels and absolut and skyy and jim beam and captain morgan and caribbean rum. then i mix them all up so i can drink some fuzzy navels or some rum & coke or screwdrivers or blowjobs. yes, i know all these drinks because i get drunk every weekend. and it only takes ten minutes to do so.

and did you know that in ten minutes, i can avoid the airport altogether because i'm not supposed to fly on planes? yeah. someone told me i couldn't because of this pacemaker i have. this imaginary non-existent pacemaker i have. and this life-threatening-not-really heart disease i have. not a heart condition, a disease. like an STD or something. cos my heart has syphilis. it contracted it when i went to detroit, you know, flying when i wasn't supposed to be. in the span of ten minutes.

at the very most i can call someone up and catch up on old times. but see, ten minutes... that's like, what, $50, and that's $50 i could spend on less trivial things. like, you know, buy me a new videogame or three new dvd's. because obviously, i don't care enough for people to call them or go online and check or reply to an email. because i have so much time on my hands because everything takes ten miuntes. because my entire schedule doesn't involve band at all. because my work schedule doesn't suck. because my studying time is not at all important. because i drink all the time. because i fly when i can't. because everyone knows about my midterm schedule. because everyone else knows everything about my college lifestyle, and i don't. because so many assumptions about me are disregarded. because my middle name is bastard, and i don't show it. because i can't care less for people who would rather manipulate me than appreciate me. because i have nothing else better to do than update a fucking webpage or go to class. because i have no moral center, because i'm an atheist. because i don't care about my friends or my family or the relationships i have. because i'm a fucking idiot who can't type for shit. because this is taking me more than ten minutes, ten minutes i can take to spend on other more important things.

i don't fucking care about ten minutes. in fact, ten minutes can disappear and no one will ever notice. they'll just think all the clocks are behind and reset them to "normal."

if i sound angry or frustrated or confused, i am. no doubt about it. but the problem is, so many people assume so many things because they're fed lies upon lies. so they hear nothing from me. i hear nothing from them. they assume "the worst" (yeah, because when i'm not online, i'm obviously dead) and i'm left pondering "why" and "when's the math homework due?" school isn't everything to me, of course not, but i do have priorities straight. school just happens to be one of my biggest ones. there's no doubt i would place school above much things -- i did get into cal for a reason -- but i try to balance my academics as much as i can with everything else. it's hard though, when you end up having to explain yourself over and over again to people because they assume so many things have gone wrong or fallen apart.

i guess i'm not mature enough. no, i know i'm not mature enough. cos i can't even handle math homework without being driven to tears.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, don't assume anything because you don't even know the whole story. my half, especially. you don't know my testing schedule, my appointment times, my drinking habits, my sleep patterns, my coursework, my house duties, my committment to further my musical excellence, nor my determination to get out of here alive and sane. i might be gone most of the time, but that's because i'm doing something i consider to be of extreme importance.

and here i am explaining myself again, to a silent audience, the toughest crowd i've seen. criticize me, make fun of me, call me names, worry. nothing's changed. i'm here. the only thing that's passed is the ten minutes you've spent reading this.

ten minutes. it can change the way you look at things.

a lot.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:58 AM 0 comments

thanksgiving / finals/ end of semester checklist:

X plane ride home with no checked luggage
X freak my mom out with my blue hair
X well-deserved nap in my own bed
X wake up to a sea of familiar faces and copious amounts of food
X eat said food
X go to LA to meet up with family and sleep over
X go to doctors -- all three of them
X what downtime? we SHOP
X catch up with other people
X come home delirious (due to lack of sleep) and unexpectedly find a visitor
X get told by 4 people over the weekend that "i've changed"
X drama ensues
X meet up with a friend the next morning
X pack shit up
X weirdest ride to the airport ever
X leave some issues unresolved
X get renamed over the weekend (apparently, my middle name now is "bastard")
X enjoy the plane ride back
X extremely pleased to be back in berkeley
X talk to a lot of people over AIM
X write papers upon papers upon papers
X help susan out with her own blog (yay!)
_ no sleep til big game? more like 'til the end of the semester!
_ console my roommate because of his troubles
_ BS another english paper
_ people's birthdays
_ two weeks of finals
_ WINTER BREAK!!!

hmmm. yeah. raincheck on that movie.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:59 PM 0 comments