migblog

i was up all night. dangerous, if you're me -- you tend to think, and that's all there is to do because i'm all alone.

after having a relatively great day yesterday celebrating michelle's birthday with a surprise party, i decided that i would be finally able to take a breather and relax after all that's happened this week. i got home and had a few nice conversations with people whom i haven't talked with for the longest time. as i was about to step out again, something inside of me finally decided to check the email that i got two days ago from michael, which contained scans of liam's note.

according to michael, i would be the last to read it. and as i got ready, i could feel my heart race, i could feel my hands shake, my throat tighten up, and my eyes start to water. and i was just typing in my login information to get to my email account. and then, there it was, the embodiment of everything i had been trying to avoid this week: subject line, liam's note; from michael r.; 8k with attachments. the moon was hidden behind the dense berkeley fog, but of what i saw of it earlier, it was shining brightly and in anticipation.

the first sentence made me break down into hysterics.

reading through those four pages, and seeing liam's handwriting for the last time, i could sense a rush shoot up my spine, and a chill envelop me immediately afterward. there was nothing i could say back, nothing would happen if i hit the 'reply' button as much as i could, and there was the moon, for but a few moments, peeking through the window. i was crying, and sleep would not come to me for the rest of the night.

this was around one, when everyone else seemed to be having lots of fun around the city and in the environs of oakland and berkeley. i was next to my laptop, trying to think of something to type back, but there was nothing. any keystroke would be fruitless; any mouseclick offered no chance of reply. i desperately looked around and saw my new blue journal sitting on the coffee table, opened it, and decided against writing anything, for now.

i sat in my room, thinking, and my journal, still empty from the last few days, would remain empty.

today i find myself restless, overwhelmed, and confused. i just need someone to be here for me and talk with -- soon, friends will come, i keep telling myself, soon, they'll be here to wrap you up in warm hugs and glowing smiles and make you feel better than now -- but that's not until later, not now, when i need you the most. but it'll get better, i know for sure, for the saying of the week seems to have been "the only way left to go is up." and sleepless saturday nights sure know how to mess with your m ind, especially if you're in a quiet apartment.

looking up. that's all that's left to do.

posted by Open Source Food @ 10:41 AM