migblog

approximately seventeen hours ago, i received word from my dear friend michael that his roommate, our ever-so-affable liam, had died.

michael had just gotten back from work, when he found a note tacked to the bills board. upon reading the first sentence, he rushed to liam's room, which was locked, pried the door open with a crowbar, and found liam's lifeless body sprawled on his bed. michael immediately called the paramedics -- but he, unfortunately, was way too late. liam was found dead on arrival at the hospital, and michael had to go with the police for a few questions regarding the incident.

after filing a report, and having to tell liam's parents in ireland, michael faced the daunting task of hearing about the cause of death immediately following the autopsy report. it was an intended overdose on methamphetamines, they said, and liam had pushed too much into his bloodstream. nobody knew that liam was taking methamphetamines, let alone drugs in the first place. he was never the type of person to do that. nor did we know that he was having any serious issues, which would have made things a little easier to swallow.

soon afterwards, michael's only contact was myself, and i received the phone call in utter shock and disbelief. i kept telling myself that this was just one more joke that everyone was playing on me, one more cruel joke that needed to end, and fast. it was a cruel twist of fate, however, that michael had lost all of the new york contacts -- in other words, i had to tell many of my friends about liam's passing, which included everyone on our floor, basically -- mallory and cassandra, jason, adam, miho, lynette, and joseph. they were scattered all over the united states, and i was afraid of what would happen every time someone on the other end would pick up the phone and react.

i had never heard so many of my friends cry in one day, and i never want to experience that ever again.

i thought my week was going from good to mildly bad, until i hit rock bottom and cried for about an hour straight. immediately after michael's phone call, i was paralyzed, unable to do anything, shaking from fear and shock. the worst part about it, as i'm sure most of us feel, is that none of us were able to do anything about it, and now it's too late. and as i called them, one by one, my pack of cigarettes diminished from having eight left to none.

i didn't know what else to do afterwards, so i called my mom, then jacob and sam, and finally jon, whom i hadn't seen in a while. he especially helped me out through most of yesterday, helping me sort things out. soon after, i knew that i just needed to take my mind off of things, so we went for a walk, took in a movie, and hung out for the night. and i've thanked him so much, and he's been extremely supportive of me.

i remember feeling a bit angry when michael told me the news. i was scared. i didn't know what else to think. there was nothing we could do; we were all so helpless. but along with the anger came a sense of betrayal and disappointment, both of which we have all been experiencing ever since we heard about what happened. the frenzy of phone calls and emails from friends was overwhelming and extremely saddening, and a gray cloud would be hanging over all of our heads for the next few days, if not weeks. this was a total shock to all of us, a punch in the gut, knocking us all out of breath and composure the moment the information was digested by our minds. for a moment, there seemed as if there was nothing to live for, until we all realized that we all had to live for each other in order for us to cope with this melancholy event.

liam was my age, slightly taller, with dark brown hair and deep green eyes. he always spoke with a mild attitude and a strong accent, and was never one to not say what was on his mind right then and there. he would always wear my black-and-red beanie, and act stupidly drunk around the eight of us whenever we'd go to lunch together. he hated math, especially integrals, and would usually burn his math homework as soon as he got it back. he tried desperately (as did we all) to get on mtv's total request live show, but the production assistants and producers would never let us in. and then, mtv moved trl summer to a beachhouse, and we were left to wander the streets of new york, liam in tow, to just take in the scenery and enjoy whatever it was that we had.

he would never talk about his father, until one drunken late evening he started to spout off about his dad's stupidity and infidelity, about how his dad never took care of his siblings, or about how his dad made him feel disappointed at every acheivement he had ever made. and we all suddenly realized and saw the side of liam we would rarely ever see, the side that would manifest itself as the sadness that liam never dared manifest in front of his friends. he wanted everything to be fine on the outside, whether or not it was ripping him apart on the inside. and to think, everyone had been taking that for granted, and now, there is no more to be said about liam's silence except that it will now be eternal.

it's hard to talk about this without almost breaking down every other keystroke.

i don't consider liam's death to be a disaster, but rather a slap in the face from life that i have yet to accept. we had already lost robin (who, coincidentally, was the one person liam was closest to), and now liam, but we have all promised each other that the premise of life is much more important than the pride of death, and that living for each other is a goal we can all definitely strive for. the insight i'm having over the past seventeen hours has made me grown up immensely -- it has made me think twice about everything i've ever believed, and everything i will ever hope to believe.

the sky outside looks unusually clear and beautiful, with strokes of white slowly coasting themselves into shapes and abstract forms. and then there are the bits of gray scattered along the great blue expanse -- a reminder, to each and every one of us, that life is happiness without complacency, learning through mistakes, and living with disappointments. i am still reeling from the shock and the what-if, but in due time, i have a feeling things will get better.

that there is so much to live for is what keeps me going today.

the rest of the details will come slowly but surely: liam's parents phoning in from ireland, yet another phone call from michael, the final call from joseph since neither michael nor me reached him directly, details about the interment, the funeral, and most importantly, the relay of the suicide note so that the eight of us could at least start to piece together exactly what happened and why. there are many questions left lingering and unanswered, and they shall remain so for the next few weeks. we are all in pain, in grief, in deep sorrow. but there is hope, and the hope that we all see and look to is what is helping us through today.

to liam, and robin, wherever you both may be: we love you, we miss you terribly, and we pray that no matter what happens, you will look over us with the same fervor and compassion as you did when you were amongst us.

yes. there is hope.

posted by Open Source Food @ 10:13 AM