migblog

three days have passed, and the frenzy of phone calls and emails don't seem to have any sign of stopping anytime soon. details are being pored over, and news spreads so fast. emails have been written and sent and forgotten about and deleted and saved, and there seems to be no break for any of us until this whole thing is finally over.

everyday, there seems to be the moment where everything is cool and calm, until the silence forces us to go back into rethinking why and what lse could have happened. joseph, for instance, i finally got a hold of yesterday. you would think that the crying would have ended, but there is much to grieve for since the eight of us are constantly reminded of what happened.

this past sunday, joseph was still out of anyone's reach. apparently he had gone on vacation to tour eastern europe, and would come back soon. i decided that i still needed to take my mind off of things, so i went and had dimsum with more than a few friends out in the city. laughs were shared, good times made. and then there was a funeral procession in the middle of chinatown that eerily made me think that this was some sick foreshadowing. i felt uncomfortable, of course, but how else was i supposed to express my discomfort? i tried to laugh it off, but in the back of my head, i knew that i would be thinking about what just happened for the next few hours.

yesterday, as i was flipping through channels to look at the programs that i could bear to watch, i happened upon the tail end of seinfeld. and the topic? elaine's coworker had apparently committed suicide to spite jerry. and no, i wasn't laughing, since just a little before then i got a hold of joseph, who couldn't control himself as well as i thought he would be able to. later on, at around ten, mallory called asking about more details or if i had found out anything new. i referred her to michael, since there is craziness going on.

i feel a little left out, and gladly so, since i am the only one out of the eight of us that reside outside of new york state. three of them live in the city proper, two in jersey, and the other two on the mainland. california seems so far away, but it's amazing how that doesn't seem to change much of what's happened, if anything.

michael's having the toughest time, i'm sure, considering how he's living with his parents for the moment. he took a week off from his job, and is the one to go to if we have any questions about anything. he's been a rock; michael, we admire you so much. and thank you. none of us deserve this, but especially you.

the suicide note is forthcoming. in a few days, we will read what will probably be the most heart-wrenching, soul-wringing, tear-inducing letter addressed to the eight of us, and we won't have the chance to respond. i might be angry, in denial, maybe even apathetic after i read it, but whatever i feel, i know it won't be happy. i will probably even be relieved to find out a partial answer to the why we have been asking constantly for three days now -- maybe it will help provide us with some semblance of closure, or hopefully enough, get us one step closer towards that goal.

a huge outpouring of condolences and support has made these past three days very much easier to deal with. from friends just letting me know that they're sorry for our loss, or friends that tell me that they're there for me no matter what, to friends that tell me that i don't even need to thank them for anything -- all of you have made these three days much more breathable and tolerable, even though i myself haven't been accessible. what you need to know is that you are all appreciated, and thank you.

i still can't stop thinking about what happened, though. i'm not even going to try to begin to see where the blame falls (or in this case, ought to fall). there were so many things we don't know, we still don't know and probably never will know. i have heard from the eight of us alone eight different viewpoints about liam's passing: it was extremely selfish; it was an unanswered cry for help; there was nothing we could do; how could we have known. the answers seem so simple and in our grasp, but the fact of the matter is, it's too late, whether or not we want to acknowledge that fact.

today i thought i was hallucinating when, as i was waiting for the bus, a guy who looked almost exactly like liam passed me on the sidewalk. i did a double take, blinked, and looked again to make certain that my mind was only playing tricks on me. i'm beginning to see things i don't want to see, and my head is currently reminding me of things that i don't want to deal with. i've been busying myself so much that i haven't had time to fully sit down and evaluate what has happened, just the fact that something indeed has happened and that i play a big part in it. i've worried myself too much about talking to people, keeping up appearances, learning mathematical processes and the ever-present band work. but to think, in the past three days, i haven't sorted out what it is i feel, nor have i really paid close attention to what is happening around me. i've become less aware of my surroundings and more aware of my situations, which i guess can never be good since i orient myself with people all the time.

speaking of which, now i can't even answer my phone for fear of what will greet me on the other end. i can't check my email without seeing those horrible subject lines. and i can't, for the life of me, find the guts to write in my journal. i haven't written in my journal for the past three days, and there is definitely something i am trying to avoid, but i can't quite put my finger on the what.

i'm not trying to forget what happened. i'm trying to accept it, but accepting something you don't want to receive is pretty hard to do, especially in a situation like this.

there is still much to say, there is still more to happen. for the meantime, i won't think about anything unless it needs to be done. i'm letting myself pent up this much emotion because i know i'll purge it soon. i can't avoid it, i'm reminded everyday when i see another email or hear another message. how can i forget? i won't. ever.

i'm still trying to figure things out.

posted by Open Source Food @ 4:17 PM