migblog

la vida dolorosa lets me say that, before i say anything, the cubbies and the sox disappointed me heavily last week before i went to los angeles, in which case i was disappointed by the bears.

i've noticed that i haven't written much, if any, poetry lately. i think it's due to the fact that i don't feel obligated to analyze and rethink each and every waking moment of my life anymore, and that everything is rushed, but i feel like i can't express myself through that outlet anymore. i'll still write, of course i'll still write, but i won't have any poems up unless i have a necessary purge through that outlet. what i'm saying is, expect a lot less things in verse, and a lot more things of streams of consciousness that don't need any grammatical reassurance or license, poetic or not.

despite the fact that the domain name will remain under the poet caption, i think i have enough license to say that i'm still somewhat of a poet considering i still write much differently than i do talk. i have many distinct voices and styles; you can tell that it's not me writing if i had someone else try and keep this up for a week. and you would be able to tell that i'm not the one talking to you over the phone if i didn't use some of my adapted phrases. anywho. like alexandra said, "those deadbeat muses abandoned me again, this time leaving me sitting still as a statue in a coffeeshop, racking my brain for something to write about." and i don't want writing poetry to be that way.

i do feel like i'm being stagnant, now with these crises i have to verily deal with. i'm not getting enough sleep, i'm sick, i'm behind in two classes, i'm registered but not paid, i'm causing my roommate endless amounts of things he doesn't need nor does he ever need to handle, i'm broke, i'm in debt, i'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, my grandmother is going through the toughest time in her life, my parents are a lot estranged from me, i haven't talked to neither of my younger siblings in two years, i've received no news from my father, i'm getting tired of having to be the one to not say anything all the time, i'm in a relationship i don't think i deserve, and lastly, i sometimes feel a little superfluous and unnecessary that i would hate to be a mark on these people's lives.

i told my layout staff that laying out a page should reflect yourself, that it should be somewhat parallel to what you wear or how you carry yourself in public. i'm putting that to heart with what i'm writing, because sooner or later, i'm not going to be wearing the color orange any more often than i am going to wear the color purple, nor am i going to write a verse over a couplet or a quatrain. i just need to think things over, re-evaluate (something i've found myself doing for the longest time now), and try to focus again (focus in this case meaning to study instead of going to a beerfest, to do homework instead of watching alias reruns, to get stuff that needs to be done for either the band or the magazine first instead of surfing the internet for countless hours, and trying to be a better person when it comes to dealing with difficult personalities).

hate me if you must, but i think i'll just continue going with the redundancy of university life and hope to dear goodness that everything works out, especially now that i'm more than fucked for the next semester.

i miss you all. say hello or something. make me feel better.

posted by Open Source Food @ 10:13 PM