migblog

you'd think, being the "considerate" person i am, that i would remember what five days ago was. of course, to everyone else it was new year's day, but it's very significant for me because it was my father's birthday. and you know what? i feel horrible because i just realized right now that five days ago was his birthday. not even a phone call,nor a card, nor an email. he's in the philippines right now, and i can't really do much about any situation to make it seem any better. i feel so terrible. i haven't seen my dad in close to three years now -- last time i saw him i was there for my aunts' joint fiftieth birthday and twenty-fifth anniversary. and to think, i have a half-brother and a half-sister with him there, and that when i'm thirty years old my half-brother would be eighteen, and my half-sister would be twelve. it's crazy... and the fact that it was in the very corner of my mind and i did nothing about it, well, then, it just totally messes with my head.

i don't know about many of you, but having four parents feels a litle bit more than weird for me. especially when your dad and your stepmom and your half-siblings live in another country altogether. it used to be that i lived with my dad's side of the family, and now i'm practically living this next twelve years here with my mom. twelve years seems to go by so fast what with all this moving and meeting new people and experiencing new things -- which is never a bad thing, mind you -- but it can be very taxing for someone like me who had been trying for all eighteen years of my existence to quit living in the shadows of both my older brother and my younger cousin. it's like being the middle child all over again.

my older brother looks a lot like my mom. if you saw pictures you would think they were themselves siblings. and i guess that's a big reason why my brother identifies a lot more with my mom's side of the family than i do. he lived with my mom's side in the philippines, which meant that as i was living with my dad's side of the family (think grandparents and aunts and uncles), my brother was in a house five minutes away living an entirely different life. i came to identify my grandmother as my mother figure since my parents had divorced when i was around three years old and my mother had moved to the united states. i bonded a lot more with that side of the family, and i can't really blame anyone for anything that happened. it happened, that's why. and as much as i'd like to have seen it changed, it's not ever going to.

i, however, look a lot more like my dad. put my senior picture right next to my dad's old yearbook picture and you'd get almost the same thing. it's eerie, seeing that. theres this unspoken animosity between my brother and my dad's side of the family. i won't get into particulars just yet, but let's just say he felt betrayed because one of my cousins (on my dad's side) is an over-achieving freak. he came to see his cousins on our mom's side as his brothers and sisters. honestly, though, i thought it was much more of a living soap opera than anything. there was always too much drama and misunderstanding. and part of that is the reason why i hated my last year in the philippines, why i was so ready and eager to try out a new life. i wanted a clean slate because i could reinvent myself, find a new identity.

did you know i was supposed to be a second-year in college by now? i tested out of seventh grade but my mom was just a little hesitant because i had come from an extremely traditional and conservative culture of non-dating and authority figures all over the place. she was right in doing so, i appreciate it. i wasn't mature enough mentally nor socially to find myself in a junior high dance or an english class where the topic would be race relations. just the very idea of race relations was foreign to me. why did these people care so much about what color the other people's skin were? and then i'd remember that i wasn't raised in this country, that my dad's side of the family had instilled in me very grounding traditions about being proud of who you are and respecting other people.

i miss my dad. terribly. every time i receive an email or a phone call, i can't help getting teary-eyed. at times i feel as if i had abandoned him, just left him hanging without even a single goodbye. and then i remember that he helped me make this decision, that whatever happens happens, and that he'll stand behind mee every step of the way and help me up if i falter. for not having seen someone for about three years, he's had a huge impact on my life, a much larger one in his absence, and a more profound one when he was present. soon i hope he'll find opportunity to come knocking and thati would be able to see him much more often, even have him move here if the opportunity presented itself. but for now, things aren't looking so good. i just realized he'll have to send two kids through college when he's about sixty-five, and that i'll be half his age when one of my half-siblings starts going through puberty.

so in feeling like a horrible person, dad, if you ever even read this, or come across this webpage, what i'm saying is i'm sorry, i love you, and belated happy birthday. i wish you all the best of luck, that we'll see each other soon enough, and that may the new year ring in prosperity and happiness. i miss you so much. and in the future, when we see each other again, you'll see a spitting image of yourself and i can only hope i do you proud.

i miss and love you.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:59 PM