migblog

it is a difficult thing to do, this whatever it is i'm doing, but yes, i'm more than convinced that i am getting more and more scared by the day as life just rolls itself along.

class itself isn't scaring me too much, partly because i think i've got everything under control. i've been to every lecture, i've been to discussion section, i've turned in homework on time. i've even partially organized myself at home and at school, so i'm ahead of myself on that.

what's really scaring me is that whole "i'm going to be graduating in a year and i actually have to deal with the real world" schtick that every one goes through, after the realization that graduation is at hand. what the fuck am i going to do, what the fuck is going to happen, what the fuck is going on?

where do i see myself by this time in two years? it might sound like a long time, but do remember that two years ago, i was simply excited by the fact that i was going to take my first upper-division class. this time in two years, i could be anywhere -- in the bay area, in brooklyn, in europe, at home -- doing anything, from walking dogs part-time to a drab corporate job to maybe even a production assistant for a graphic design firm.

i really don't know what a b.a. in linguistics is going to do to my life.

i think it's pretty sad that whenever i tell people (say, at cocktail parties or get-togethers at home) that i am majoring in linguistics, the first thing they always ask is "what are you going to do with that?" as if the validation for my being in school is a job out of college. is it so bad to major in something i like? even now, my mom asks about my being in law school or grad school after this, and all i can really do is smile and nod.

sure, i can be pessimistic and say by this time next year i will have dropped out of berkeley and went ahead and started a job from the bottom for some faceless, heartless company that gives me a good 401(k) and benefits. but even then, i'm hoping i have a job somewhere. is it so bad to just want to be able to sustain yourself, not make any ridiculous amount of money, when work is fun and fun is work and work is life?

you can't control these things, as i've found out the hard way, you just end up with a whole bunch of people hating your guts and none of them appreciating the work you did, no matter how significant or banal it ends up being. you really just end up sitting in the corner, moping about "man, i wonder what would have happened if" or "how come i didn't do this" which in turn ends up ruling your life.

i don't want to be that. i love myself too much to do that.

but that's what dreams are, right? they're all some narcissistic expression of yourself imposed on this world, this silly society you were raised in, where you can daydream about being a doctor or a lawyer or an architect, where you can dream about singing in front of thousands of people, where you can look one way and be perceived differently in another. who dreams the dreams? you do.

dreams are good, especially if you're the type who doesn't ask for much, and so it ends up you're getting much more than what you had asked for.

i've felt in it sometimes, this awkward generosity. getting myself into situations that were never fully thought through would be some examples -- living with a roommate my second year, being in a relationship here at cal, learning how real cancer is, living with a heart problem -- the situations have been less than ideal, but in the end, i come off as a punk who didn't learn much from anything except that my ass was never on the line and that i only really cared for no one but myself.

i hate having to live that down, but i'm selfish, i have to admit. i want a lot of things, i don't give a lot of things, but that's why i barely ever share my feelings with anyone. i'm goddamned opinionated (you can vouch for that if you know me), but when it comes to talking about how my brother made me cry, i fall apart. i crumble.

so maybe that's why i've been so scared -- i've never really crumbled in front of people before, don't really share much of my secrets. slowly but surely, i'm going to have to realize that i can't do that anymore because this idealistic environment of universitarian culture is a little too idealistic, a little too hopeful, a little too optimistic than the real world cares about.

it's a cold world, but i don't want to make it any colder than i have to. and that might mean giving a bum some change, making more small talk at the grocery store, or finally telling someone "i love you" without expecting anything back. yes, the real world is going to suck, and yes, i'm entrenched in this fantasy of academia and exploration, but at least i have that self-fulfilling feeling that i did something and it made someone else feel good.

it's hard to keep up appearances, because i've been known to do it so well.

i don't want to grow up. i want to stay in school for as long as i can. i don't want to face interviewers, i don't want to fill out w-2s, and i for god's sake don't want to lose myself in that wretched sea of faces that engulfs everyone in a city center, akin to those shots in movies where you can't distinguish who's who and everyone's got their heads down and nobody's talking to each other.

i don't want to grow up.

i don't want to grow up.

i'm hoping my anaphora works because i really don't want to grow up.

i've got my blinders on, and i'm ready to go to my next class.

posted by Open Source Food @ 1:06 PM