migblog

the echoes and murmurs of "i really should be doing my homework" bug me, especially since now all of my classes have regular homework assignments, and i'm a very on-top-of-things-when-it-comes-to-homework-assignments kind of guy.

on that note i really should be doing my homework instead of writing this up, but then you wouldn't have known about my dislike of people who are hypocrites in such manners. then again, i don't really have any real homework -- just a page on spanish pre-roman civilization, so hoo-hah.

i didn't know my site had such readership from the glorious remarks made by a few people. on campus, no less. how interesting, how very, very interesting.

there's been something lingering in the back of my mind now, something that just made me feel like a horrible, horrible person. i can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly, but i think it's my being a little too jaded and disillusioned by everything that i let it pervade almost entirely all aspects of my life. i wouldn't want to get into specifics, but if you ask me in person, i'll gladly share. it's just one of those things that have made me, i dunno, a bit of an asshole recently, and to anyone i've offended, i'm really sorry.

but you really gotta know where it is i'm coming from, because if you don't, things get taken way out of proportion, and it's not fun considering the amount of bullshit i've already had to deal with. i guess karma decided that threefold would be life smacking me upside the head, and then tripping me, and then kicking me while i'm down.

not to say i'm depressed or anything; in fact, i've been in a relatively great mood this past week. but i think it's just time to say it outright: i made a mistake, i'm not going to do that ever again, and it sucks that my situation had inevitably brought other people with it.

in other news (more lighthearted ones, i guess), i'm really happy how my classes are going. nothing gets me riled up more than some solid phonetics discussions, or a mad stab at what the portuguese word for "imbecile" is. it's great seeing that everything academically is somewhat going to plan, and that in itself deserves a great huge sigh of relief. can you believe i'm already declaring the double major after this semester?

in other wondrous events of miguel's seemingly trivial and inconsequential everyday life, it's a marvel how everyone's seemed to just pair me up with someone else just by virtue of hanging out with that person a lot. it doesn't mean anything, people, it's called being with good friends and having a good time. although now that i think about it, lydia's trying to get me into so much trouble even though i'm going eleven months strong. (lydia, you know who i'm talking about.) but to qualm such rumours, no, it's not true, because i'm still going strong, and dammit, i'm happy.

most of the time, though, i've been finding it really awkward in some situations where i'm the third or fifth wheel. it was (and still is, for the most part) a lot weird hanging out with jake and angela, considering their dynamic is amazing. and here i go being lonely and melancholic, but i felt ridiculously awkward being with them, even though they're my best friends and they know that i'm usually not bothered by that. for a guy who's supposed to be a little too jaded and disillusioned, don't you think i would have cared a lot less? i guess it's just different when i don't see the person i'm with on a daily basis, but i try. and it's trying, even, maintaining a relationship.

my grandmother's not better, or so i hear. now i'm just really concerned for her health, even though i know most of the time i just get really irritated on how she has to remind me of every little thing every three seconds. it's a different feeling when you know someone's almost gone -- they're not fading per se, but you're setting yourself up for some kind of disappointment, almost like you're going to see a movie but you already know what's going to happen in the end because everyone else has told you. she helped me cope with living in the united states, and took care of me while i was still a silly little adolescent trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life. it boggles me that her time is set, that this stupid fucking thing called cancer's gonna take her away from here.

i'm a little scared of what the immediate future's going to bring, because problems present themselves rather stupidly to me. they like to come along in big chunks, and then, resolve themselves and don't deal with me until another inordinately long amount of time, in which case they repeat the process and decide to bludgeon me in the head, spear me by my nape, and dispose accordingly. (that one was for the phonez. and no, phonez aren't my problem. anymore, at least.)

so, if you see me on campus just a bit under the weather, or a lot stressed, or just not wanting to deal with anything, blame the me who's too jaded and disillusioned to carry out normal functioning minutiae because apathy seemed to be the best answer at the moment. slap me upside the head, feel free to cheer me up. i guarantee you that i won't crack a smile, though, because these are trying times, my friend, very trying times.

sometimes i wish i were a paper airplane, you know: fragile, flying somehow gracefully in the air, and then, all of a sudden crash, boom, crumpled into garbage and left to be recycled. i wish i could be recycled after every boom. all that's left to do now, really, is sleep in, and that's not fun.

nineteen units, hardboiled and x, cal band, surviving finals and midterms, wind ensemble concerts, family issues, financial crises, legal agreements, smoking, drinking, and maintaining a social life. i feel like life just slapped me with thirty units, and i'm still looking for a job which i so desperately need.

now that i've been smacked upside the head, tripped, and kicked while i'm down, should i even try to get up?

posted by Open Source Food @ 11:48 PM