migblog

almost there...

i saw better luck tomorrow with brian and a whole bunch of other people. it's a very thought-provoking movie. which, to me, kinda really begs the question: had it been any different with a white cast? or a black cast? i really don't think so. but it was very well-executed, and i'm kinda glad that the limited release is partly here in the bay area. like rachel said, she didn't know how to feel afterward -- all she could say was 'fuuuuuuuck, that's a movie.' and when you think about it, when a movie makes you do that, i think it's accomplished its job just as it was supposed to. anita was sick to her stomach. and other people are calling the movie amoral and a disgrace to asians. we're people too, you know. we can fall in and out of addiction and love and life as much as the next human being. and oh, the extreme uncertainty... that was satisfying.

the header might say friday, but it's still thursday to me. i haven't slept, i'm running on those thirty-two ounce jugs of snapple from asuc convenience, i have to write a paper, and i have to analyze two poems. this ought to be fun. it's just a matter of getting my thoughts organized and reorganized, then eventually typing it out and getting it done. i'm really just biding time by typing this up, but i felt as if i needed to say something.

it's that, that feeling of wanting to say something but not really realize that you have nothing to say. (you still with me? good.) by the time i'm halfway done with a post, i look at it, stop in the middle, ask myself if i really want to publish it, and then doubt myself for the seventh time and just eventually give in to the screen staring back at me. a few minutes later, after some more purging of thoughts and emotions and fervently clacking away (and developing a mild case of carpal tunnel -- it's weird when you don't feel your hands in the morning sometimes), i hit that publish button, wait, and watch. it's amazing how typing something up like this can appear so differently on a browser page, and it's all through markup language. it amazes me so much.

fall semester looks to be hardcore. i've scheduled but not registered, so hopefully by the time my telebears comes around i'm not fucked. it's either sixteen or seventeen units plus band and hardboiled. i've promised myself that i won't go crazy, but if it ever gets to a breaking point, i'll take a break and talk to someone. whoever's closest, basically.

i'm so scared of so many things right now, you have no idea. and it's never like me to just say it out loud. if you ever wonder what i'm wondering about whenever i stare off blankly into space, please don't prod. i'm really just trying to sort things out since, well, i'm one of those weird existentialist pensive gravid thinkers. when i think, i get dangerous, and when i get dangerous, i get morbid. it's grotesque, really. and what's scaring me so much is that everything is so solidly up in the air. it's that whole living-life-one-day-at-a-time bullshit they feed you, then you do it, then you're so afraid of the insecurity that a day provides you. what happens next? no one knows. and that's enough to give me palpitations. in my ear.

just waiting... looking at it, waiting for it to happen. i can taste it in the air, since i haven't been able to relish any moment lately.

but then i remember, i have enough time to wait for tomorrow. tomorrow, i'll be done, and i'll be doing some other thing that's probably better than what i did today. but that's tomorrow. i have to keep reminding myself that. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, why the fuck isn't it now...

i can wait.

posted by Open Source Food @ 12:49 AM