migblog

migration!

2007-08-03T14:28:00.001-07:00

new move.

i live here now. i think i'll live here for a while.

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physical migration in t-minus twenty-eight days.

oysters for dessert

2007-07-27T17:42:00.001-07:00

by far one of the most fun lunch experiences i've had, considering we had oysters for dessert.

"let's have lunch at the ferry building in lieu of dinner this week."
"sounds good to me."
"okay, so you choose. mijita or hog island?"
"let's do mijita."

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"you have to get the albondigas here. extra delicious."
"sounds good to me!"
"yeah, i want a carne asada taco, too."

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"you guys ready to order?"
"yeah. how about a carnitas taco and a carne asada taco, and an order of albondigas?"
"yeah. something to drink?"
"a jarritos!"

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"jarrrrrrritos."
"how do you do that with your tongue??!?"

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"i thought mijita would be a good choice since, you know. dave's mexican and everything."

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"hey, how about some oysters afterward?"
"you mean, for dessert?"

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"we've already had lunch. but oysters, please!"
"six kumamotos and six sweetwaters!"
"awesome."

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miguel, ngoc, and dave: 2 oysters each
oysters: delicious!

jardiniere

2007-07-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

jardiniére was kind of ridiculous.

to say the least, there was a continuous stream of food, which was kind of cool considering ann's boyfriend was one of the line cooks.

have i told you that we ate for five hours straight?

yeah, you read correctly. our reservations were at 7, and we didn't leave until past midnight.

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to eat:
-tanqueray 10 martini
-hama hama and kumamoto oysters
-foie gras terrine with sauternes gelée and tamarind gastrique
-watermelon, tomato, and ricotta salad
-maine diver scallop with white corn purée, cherry tomatoes, and summer truffle
-potato gnocchi with pancetta and chanterelles
-duck confit salad with blackberries, nectarines, and pistachios
-carnaroli risotto with corn, summer squash, cherry tomatoes, and parmigiano
-hoffman farm chicken with chanterelles, bacon, and onion jus
-halibut with artichokes and caperberries
-red wine braised shortribs with horseradish-potato purée

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in between:

mas de daumas gassac 2006
oliver jouan bourgogne rouge 2003

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for sweets:

-1999 oremus tokaji
-swanton farms strawberry tart with lemon confit and basil ice cream
-summer ices: plum, sauternes, and hazelnut
-bonne bouche platter: espresso crème brûlée, opera cake, madeleine, fruit jellies, chocolate tart, truffles, and various mignardises

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glasses of water consumed: 0.5
glasses of wine consumed: 4.5
napkin changes: 2
restroom breaks: 1

"kind of" ridiculous? okay, it was really ridiculous.

un menu pour ngoc et dave

2007-07-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

fromage en petits chariots

"ohhhhhh shit!"
"what?"
"i just realized what you're doing with the bread and the cheese and the... ohhhhh!"

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soupe au basilic, fenouil, et crevette

"you know, this reminds me of my mom's soup."

"dave wasn't supposed to tear off all the basil, was he?"
"no."
"oops."

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salade de tomates d'heritage et aïoli

"i forgot the base at home, so we're gonna go ghetto and make garlic butter instead."
"fine by me!"

"man, this garlic butter is pretty intense."
"yeah, it's like, totally bad for you."
"i can't get enough of it, though!"

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epaule de porc braisée au lait sur riz
maïs et courgette d'été persillade

"i'm looking forward to the corn."
"i'm looking forward to the meat!"

"oh, man."

"how did you get the corn and zucchini to be so savory?"
"oil."
"huh."

"oh, man."
"that bad?"
"are you kidding! i'm almost crying here, it's so good!"

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neige d'herbes fines
tisane de thim

"ooh, it does look like snow!"
"yeah, dirty snow."

"it's good, but it's a bitch to eat."
"i should have brought a cheesecloth."

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pêche rôti au four au glacées simples

"roasted peaches! oh my god!"

"taste this. it's like, spoonful of churro."
"oh yeah!"

"so i can't take much of this home. i'll take some ice cream--"
"we're keeping the churro!"
"sounds good to me!"

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winners. we are all winners.

chez panisse had to happen sometime

2007-07-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

ngoc+dave upstairs at chez panisse cafe:

hand-stretched mozzarella with grilled bread and tomato salad
albacore tuna tartare with cucumber, preserved lemon, coriander and ginger
pizzetta with wild nettles and pecorino
herb fettuccine with wolfe ranch chicken and porcini mushroom ragu
monterey bay squid roasted in the wood oven with black-eyed peas, gypsy peppers, and tomato confit
grilled laughing stock farm pork leg and braised bacon with fig and fennel bread salad
california sea bass with fried artichokes, cherry tomatoes, and aioli

mint verbena tisane
summer berry sherbet with moscato d'asti and ossi dei morti
nectarine and blueberry cobbler with nectarine ice cream
vanilla ice cream with raspberries and peaches

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robin thicke is a musical god.

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oh my! six weeks left! in the yay area! call me if you're here! let's hang out!

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did i tell you robin thicke is a musical god?

two a's. america gets two a's.

2007-07-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

i got an iphone. i knew this thing was going to be crazy when i called my mom and she said, "i totally want one!"

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paris je t'aime, ratatouille, transformers, live free or die hard.

i went from seeing no movies to seeing four in a week. is that compulsive?

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usually july fourth is this longstanding tradition of mine to look at fireworks that aren't by disneyland. there are so many cities that, as soon as sunset hits, blow up colorful things in the air. and i am freakishly sucked in it every time.

this time around, though, the fourth of july felt really adult for me. it was exactly what it stood for: independence. and in a few moments of that, you can really turn your head around on a few things.

it was hot, first of all; hot in the dry heat up in the mountains sense of hot. the dave picked me up and we headed to lakeview in tilden, where we were to meet with the rest of the host crew.

and then patriotism ensued, with ribs, chicken wings, sausages, strawberry shortcake, and lots and lots of beer.

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"you know what? i'm really glad you got to meet this group of people. whenever we plan something we assume that everyone else is going to get involved, even though we're a pretty motley crew. we barely even hang out anymore, but it's an excuse."

"i'm so glad you brought tunes."

and the clincher:
"the party starts when miguel gets here."

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le cheval

chicken wings!
lots of rice.
mai tais.
clay pot fish.
crispy house noodles! with oodles of stuff!
overall yumminess!

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i got home and heard fireworks in the distance, and as instinct dictates, i rush over to look and see where they're coming from. i saw them in the distance, not too far away; they were probably close enough for me to go over and see them up close and firsthand.

in that very instant my heart sank, and i had to call the love of my life to tell them of the extreme nostalgia that had consumed me.

next door

2007-07-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

"meet us around 7.30."
"i might be late; i'll be running a few errands and having meetings in the city."
"we'll catch you at north berkeley bart station."
"sounds like a plan. i'll call you when i get to macarthur."

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"so what should we start with?"
"i was thinking we should get the salt cod and potato cazuela and fried potatoes... we'll start there and get more accordingly."
"yeah, that sounds good. should we order the paella now? it says we should allow for 25 minutes."
"sure. the paella too."

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"i think i'll have this cuban manhattan, that sounds good."
"ngoc, you'll like the sangria. they make it with moscato."
"i'll have that."
"and a dolce-amaro for me, please."

------

"okay, how about this: the little gems salad with hazelnuts and avocado, the steak a la plancha, one of the chorizo bocadillos, the shrimp-stuffed huevos rellenos, and those clams and sausage in wine?"
"yeah, we should get something green. those little gems sound good."
"so long as we have the clams!"
"and the steak!"

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"i see three empty glasses here. what do you guys want?"
"a round of caipirinhas, please!"

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"oh man, this is great!"
"these are delicious!"
"I'M DRUNK!"

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"and how about dessert?"
"the crema de chocolate looks good."
"oh man, you guys have to try the orange bread pudding here. you'll really like it."
"what about this saffron ice cream?"
"how about all three?"
"how about dessert wine?"
"they have a dessert flight."
"and a mexican coffee!"

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week three = great success.

sixteen slices

2007-06-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

pizzaiolo, 27 june 2007.

the game plan? no reservations; just try and hit up the place at the dinner rush and see if we can get sat down. we ended up at the place around 7pm and put our names down, and the host had said that the wait might be as long as 45 minutes. we relented. we decided to wait.

of course you can't turn down an offer to sit outside and enjoy a few sips of wine, so that's exactly what we did.

no more than ten or fifteen minutes we got sat in the back outdoor patio, which was fine by us -- the summer air was pointing to a balmy evening, perfect for italian food and lots of pleasant conversation. the ngoc and the dave were excited; dave hadn't even heard of the place and ngoc was curious to see what the fuss was all about.

the game plan

1. a bottle of corbieres rose, domaine de fontsainte, gris de gris, 2004.
2. antipasti:
2a: halibut crudo with avocado, spring onion, and kumquats.
2b: heirloom tomato salad with cannellini beans and aioli.
3. a bottle of lagrein sudtirol, weingut niklas, 2002.
4. braised niman pork shoulder with anson mills polenta, little green beans and roasted adriatic figs.
5. pizzas:
5a. monterey bay squid, tomato sauce and aioli.
5b. cherry tomatoes, genoa salami, and parsley.

movie screening

there was a group from the center for latin american studies in the house, and they had been gathering to project the motorcycle diaries out in the back patio. this was the perfect chance to catch up and enjoy the food, to sip the wine, to talk. there was also playing favorites, but that's another story.

dessert

chocolate profiteroles with espresso chocolate gelato
strawberry sorbetto
panna cotta

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we = winners.

how it went down, aka, four desserts.

2007-06-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

i. mint straciatella gelato.

the evening was actually started as a "thank you" for an anniversary dinner that ngoc and dave had at chez panisse -- i kinda hooked them up with some wine and a few more goodies, leading to an experience that, according to ngoc, "was what made the anniversary dinner."

so in thanks to the cassoulet, we had dinner at delfina, and so it begins.

ii. panna cotta with blackberries

of course, being the fashionably late son of a bitch that i am, i roll up into delfina after getting out of the bart around ten minutes late for the reservation, where i find the loveliest couple in all the world sitting on the banquette, poring over the menu.

it's nice to have dinner when you eat with people you actually like looking at, let alone like talking to.

we made our way through the game plan, and i whipped out my bottle of wine that i had to have us drink since it was too good to pass up.

onward!

iii. profiteroles with espresso gelato, warm chocolate sauce, and candied almonds

let's just do it this way:
1. a half bottle of verdicchio di jesi, 2004.
2. louisiana white boot shrimp with cannellini beans and garden lettuces.
3. house-made bigoli with sardines and calabrian pepper.
4. entrees, with a 2004 syrah vin de pays.
4a. dave: hanger steak frites.
4b: ngoc: wolfe ranch quail, soft polenta, and fennel sausage.
4c: me: sonoma county liberty duck with farrotto and sour cherries.

glory! somewhere between 2 and 3, our server had misheard and not ordered the salt cod that we were looking over, but no matter, since...

iv. warm scharffenberger chocolate cake with vanilla creme anglaise

she brought out four desserts, the four listed above, and i ordered two glasses of brachetto d'acqui for the table since it was a chocolate extravaganza.

in the middle of it all she asked if we "worked in the industry" (the blanket term meaning servers or managers, whichever one suited you) -- i had mentioned chez panisse and we were all gloating about food the entire time -- and we said yes. ngoc's company did in fact make delfina's website (look!) and i worked for chez panisse, so we got into a bit of chitchat.

the nicest compliment i have ever heard someone give to me was that "you guys looked like you knew your way around the menu" and "it was refreshing having you here" -- a sure sign that it was amateur night in the mission.

we smiled and nodded merrily along, thinking that we had gotten away with a free dessert (the panna cotta came from the house), but lo and behold!

v. brachetto, 2005, piemonte

on our way out, looking at the check, the house had comped us corkage, the white wine, AND the four desserts, amazingly hooking us up. the dinner went from being awesome to being bomb-awesome. and our server graciously said to me as we exited, "thanks for coming in -- we'll see you soon!"

yeah, i think we'll be back.

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ngoc+dave, i love you guys. next week, what up.

looks like

2007-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

ever since going to creative growth art center in oakland (creativegrowth.org), i've been really inspired and have begun to redraw my line drawings with a lot more fervor and intensity; i'm on track to actually finishing all of them by the time i get back from new york city.

i'm extremely happy about my state of affairs in the art-print world: i was recently commissioned to design a few coloring pages for a local artist, a lot of which would give my name some credibility, at least here in the bay area. i'm trying to show in a few galleries, but mostly i'm focusing on being really prolific with this bout of inspiration. i'm stamping, papercrafting, illustrating, and most of all, my secret passion of designing and redesigning identities.

expect a few pieces of merchandise to emerge from this.

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i've recently rewatched the entire marcel pagnol trilogy of marius, fanny, and cesar, and have come to realize that it would make a really sweet movie if it were remade today.

someone wanna help me with this? we'll go to marseilles for a scouting report.

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crazed about a new t-shirt fetish. new slogans and stencil ideas keep popping up, but there's not enough time to keep up. though the color schemes are winning: chocolate brown shirt with pink ink, black shirt with white ink, mint green shirt with neon orange ink, and light blue shirt with dark blue ink.

appropriate/funny slogans come off as:

- chez monnieux
- don't ask me anymore
- say 'nispy' ten times fast
- a 'no kissing' sign
- free hugs!
- sorry about your face

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creativity abounds with the new camera. when i have a better internet connection, i'll upload them to my flickr / facebook accounts, assuming of course i'll have the time to do so.

it is an exceptionally gloomy june in berkeley, but new york is another story.

i've been recently taking photographs of my vinyl toys in weird situations (dogs crossing the street, playing in the grass, running after cars). ask me if you wanna see some prints; i'll have to show those in an album sometime.

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i miss home. maybe i'll go back to southern california in july.

sounds like

2007-05-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

mika - life in cartoon motion

imagine freddie mercury, robbie williams, and even a hint of rod stewart.

as if the bastard son of robbie williams and robin thicke, with the pop touch and sensibility of the former and the falsetto twists of the latter, mika sounds like scissor sisters without the droning techno beat, with thoughtful lyrics, a balance of dance-y catch pop tunes (lollipop) and things you can listen to while you're at the beach (any other world) to even the things you can just bop to. the rest of the cd, life in cartoon motion, will be a perpetual appearance in everyone's ipods, if not the radio stations.

and who can't listen to a song with a line that says, "hey big girl, you're beautiful!" points to mika for being british and nondiscriminatory.

extremely enjoyable -- it's an official summer album. driving to the beach never sounded better.

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feist - the reminder

you have those moments with artists when you just unknowingly groove and bop to the music, obviously unaware that the background music is blowing you away until it's too late and the moment passes. feist is nothing but those moments.

songs like 1234 and my moon, my man hit the heartstrings so well because it's the stuff you want to listen to when it comes around eleven in the evening and nothing's on except for bad techno or soft rock. feist reminds me of imogen heap with a smack upside the head of norah jones, the perfect wind down, much like david gray's babylon did a few years ago.

she's got a sultry, smoky voice with an alternative sensibility. think along the lines of a toned down karen o, but with a lot more thought in the lyrics. (gold lion was good, but not THAT good.) it's astrud gilberto with a perfect english accent.

if instant classics could still be coined, this would be one.

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justin timberlake - what goes around, single

sounds like cry me a river, but just as goddamn catchy, if not catchier, than the hook for sexyback or rock your body. the ex-mouseketeer knows what he's doing, and i think it's clear where he wants to go next.

i like it a lot better than my love, but i have a thing for that pounding, driving beat under jt's falsetto. note to britney: this is how to do it.

as with the rest of futuresex, it's a good step in the right direction; it's making headway where pop should go, in that it makes a distinct impression when you hear it. you can dance to it, you can make it your official revenge on the ex song, or really, just another one you can file under "very good."

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kelly clarkson - never again, single

how many times can kelly clarkson talk about breaking up with a guy? let's see... except for one song in breakaway, every song of kelly's basically dealt with getting out of a relationship that was ultimately bad for her. but it seems to be her forte; never again hints at the gist of songs like gone and where is your heart but with an angrier -- and a less melodic -- tone.

chalk it up to her being aggravated (the new album's called my december and i hope there's more representation with the songs that deal with saying "i love you" instead of saying "i loveD you" in this one) or i guess another turn for the cold shoulder.

in any case, i can't hate kelly too much. the next single better be good.

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in the next issue: maroon 5, of montreal, and the new version of itunes.

chez moi

2007-05-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

so everyone in this cafe is just minding their own business when all of a sudden a guy in a blue jacket is deciding to be a "good" citizen and calling the city police because there's a guy who's fallen asleep on hearst avenue.

i think it's a bit hypocritical that he's standing there concerned when no one's getting hurt. let's worry about the bigger things, shall we? i have a feeling he won't even be there when the cops come.

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recent celebrity sightings: george takei, leonard nimoy, natalie portman, jake gyllenhaal, frances mcdormand, linda ronstadt, danny glover, tobey maguire, and eric dane.

i am only a little bit starstruck.

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the question ultimately becomes, when is it going to be permanent?

for those in the know, the answer is september 1st.

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the psp is a glorious invention.

ici, la bas

2007-05-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

so here i was trying to mind my own business when all of a sudden some stranger on the subway sits right next to me despite the empty train. he could have sat across from me, in a seat over in the corner, but no, he decided that the best spot to sit down would be next to me.

so i pretended as if i didn't mind and kept on reading my book, which was all about food justice and gastronomy and agrarian equities. he looked over, obviously leaning over my shoulder to read the contents, but i moved too fast. i read and flipped furiously (thanks, speed-reading) as he tried to catch up.

he finally gave up. this man wasn't even vagrant-looking, let alone vagrant; he was dressed quite snappily as if he had had a long night at work, but at that moment you knew everyone on the subway had had a long night at work. he got up, straightened his coat, and sat down opposite my seat, and pulled out a book himself from his briefcase.

a bit of relief washed over me, though at the same time i couldn't help feeling bad. i had denied an opportunity to make small talk -- indubitably a marker for a friendly acquaintance -- and it made me feel a little paranoid as to what he was reading on the other side.

i didn't have the balls to get up and give him a "here's-what-that-feels-like" moment, so i just looked up and asked, "what you reading?"

he smiled, looked up, and responded, "something that you wouldn't like."

that was good enough for me.

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have you ever spent close to twelve hours in a bar?

talk to me when you have; we'll compare notes.

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suddenly i have time to blog again. hooray?

je suis still alive

2007-05-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

yeah, it's been a while since this has happened, but i figured if you really wanted to know, you could have just called and asked.

in any case, new york is beautiful in the spring, and so is berkeley, although my allergies are worse when i'm back in the bay area and i'm deathly dehydrated when in the east coast. choose your poison, i guess.

i've been working on making a good change for the world (can we say miguel might be an optimist?) in the way people eat, so if you're in doubt, i'll cook for you.

loving life, and that's where it should be.

sperat adulescens se diu victurum

2007-01-23T14:06:00.000-08:00

working on a book no one will read.

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taking lots of pictures that no one will see.

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getting married to someone no one knows.

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floundering at a job no one understands.

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traveling back and forth to cities no one forgets.

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it's hitting me like a ton of bricks to the face.

all i ever wanted was to own a puppy. i never wanted to grow up.

but now i'm brushing elbows with authors and famous people and it's a little weird. i hate how i'm that guy no one knows but they're sure they've seen me somewhere before.

in other news, jeremy piven is a nice guy.

tempus fugit

2006-12-29T12:21:00.000-08:00

as always, way too fast.

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outstanding moments in the year previous:

[-] realizing that i'd be living by myself again
[+] addiction to wine
[-] moving three times
[+] understanding the difference between 'people i know' and 'friends'
[-] realizing that there are far fewer under 'friends'
[+] go bears, 10-3
[+] big game five years running!
[-] burning out of cal band, air, and other collegiate activities
[+] work, with stable pay and good benefits
[-] work, with long hours and sleepless nights
[+] getting engaged
[-] being 3000 miles away
[+] grey's, family guy, lost, heroes, studio 60
[+] target
[-] oregon and the fallout
[+] kelly clarkson in gina's car and at shoreline
[o] not going home all that much
[+] being bicoastal and living in ca and ny
[+] polo shirts
[+] karaoke

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resolutions:

[o] get out before i go crazy
[o] thank my parents more often
[o] eat healthier
[o] get a dog
[o] learn a new language

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party over, oops. out of time.

recapitulatum

2006-12-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

"i have a shortlist of friends who are getting married. it's subtitled 'people i hate.' "

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"i know. a million people have been IMing me."
"what are they saying?"
"omg what do you know??"

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"aww, congratulations! when?? where??"
"i dunno."
"WHAT? you are SO not a girl."
"i'm not."
"yeah, well... FACED!"

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"so, uh, when did it happen?"
"last week."
"huh."
"yup."
"you coming home for christmas?"
"i dunno, mom. i got work."
"oh yeah. congratulations?"
"thanks?"

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"whaaat. if i were you i'd have all that shit planned out by now."
"are you one of those people who keeps a binder for this kind of stuff?"
"maybe i am."
"i can't be friends with you anymore."

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"you're not really engaged, are you?"
"yes, i am."
"what? but. no! really?"
"yes."
"i don't believe you."
"gina, tell this girl."
"he is. he really is."
"see? i told you."
"but. oh. whoa. okay... can't stand up straight..."
"how many drinks have you had?"
"a LOT!"

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"is it that hard to believe?"
"i dunno. i just never saw you as the type."
"why?"
"because! i dunno! you wear argyle!"
"what's THAT got to do with it?"
"gray rhomboids in fashion! it makes no sense!"

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"what? to who?"
"you kidding me?"
"no. seriously?"
"yeah."
"how did i not know this?"
"maybe cos you were too busy filing tps reports?"
"haha, funny. but there's some truth in that."

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"shut up. you don't even know what that is."

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"but we were gonna get married when we were thirty-five and single!"
"yeah, but this happened."
"man, now i gotta go find someone else? LAME!"
"it's not too bad. i'm sure you'll find someo--"
"NO I WON'T I'LL DIE AN OLD HAG WITH EIGHT CATS AND A USELESS PH.D AND I'LL BUY STUPID CRAP FROM THE HOME SHOPPING CHANNEL!"
"way to be optimistic."
"i said 'WHEN we were thirty-five and single,' not 'IF we were thirty-five and single,' didn't i?"
"yes. yes you did."
"boys are stupid!"

ite urse

2006-12-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

stanfurd sucks, go bears.

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i'm getting married.

rhett millerisms.

2006-11-18T02:44:00.000-08:00

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?

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all of these things here are things that disappear.

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just cos freedom rings doesn't mean we're free.

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i'm worried about my friends' survival
waiting around for the city collapse, sticking their foots in their own traps

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she knows how to move me.

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the city is dark but we're not scared
wrapped up in each other, making love
and out of nothing like an air supplier said

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you're a long way from where you belong unaware

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i know somebody must have gave you hell
maybe you went running and the sky just sorta fell
lemme scoop you up and love you as you are

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i want to live
i want to see tomorrow

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if love is all we're made of, then what am i afraid of?

ad majorem michaeli gloriam BITCHES

2006-11-03T13:34:00.000-08:00

back back back from the nyc!

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i've said it before, i'll say it once more: berkeley in the rain is my favorite tour.

i love playing in rain puddles, especially when i'm not wearing galoshes. (does anyone my age wear galoshes?)

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i find myself with an ever-filling pocket of stripper money.

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so engrossed in video games. because every final fantasy fanboy knows that once you play through one, you have to play through all of them. once i'm done with xii, i'll go straight back to ix and then vii. because it seems as if i have so much time on my hands.

on top of, of course, tactics: advance which is on my gameboy.

-----

whoever invented the cookie is a genius.

-----

it's getting colder and colder, but i'm just waiting for the day when it's eighty degrees in the middle of november, and then everyone blames it on global warming but no one does anything about it because they're too busy stuffing themselves with GMO food and not voting. they'll cry over the iraq war and keep talking about 9/11, but they'll just as easily slink back on their couch once monday night football or desperate housewives come on the television.

what i'm really trying to say is, vote, people, vote as if it will make a difference, when you know in the short run that nothing will happen and everything will still kind of feel the same.

to all you students, make it a point to not have arnold's autograph on your diplomas. seriously, that shit looks SO hollywood, it's gross.

-----

halloween came and went. i saw people dressed up as candy corn.

it was only kind of awesome.

-----

you know who's a surprisingly nice guy? eric schlosser. sure, he'll write about the evils of agribusiness and meat industrialization, but give him a good joke and he's like the guy you go out drinking with.

-----

anyone wanna see a movie? i haven't done that since snakes on a plane. not that there was anything worth seeing, except for maybe little miss sunshine (can we say yay for bootlegging?), but i think it's due time i went back to watching in an uncomfortable chair while i pry my feet off a sticky floor and the smell of someone's vomit being covered up by bleachy powder.

-----

grey's anatomy, you slay me.

velocius quam asparagi coquantur

2006-10-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

and then it was october.

-----

i've moved again, and i've gotten older.

it's what i feel happens every few months.

-----

i've said nothing since there was nothng to say -- doesn't mean that i still don't feel, or think, or reminisce. it makes me sad to realize that the only people who want to be friends with me after college knew that all along, and so there went all the facebook friends and that's why you have a number list on your cell phone.

a lot of you have my phone number.

-----

i'm headed to new york in two weeks. give it a few days to kick in.

-----

there are moments when you just don't want to deal with people, but there are moments when you are desperate for company.

i've had a lot of both types of moments recently.

-----

i met kirsten dunst.

what a dumb snatch.

a bene placito

2006-07-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. i've been busy.

-----

this would count as the third of my six-day workweeks, signalling a new era of busy in my life, crashing head-on with trying to balance a social life, appeasing the parents, and finding time to myself. it hurts a bit, but not too much where i want to quit. in fact, keeping busy at work means more opportunity to see what it's like both behind the scenes and in action, and it's a healthy environment where everyone likes everyone else.

workaholic's not the right word. i'm just... worked.

-----

something new sundays, the glorious series of new things i'm doing every sunday, enraptured me over the past few weeks, with the oakland museum of california, x-men iii at the parkway, and introducing a whole new crew of people to the wonders of the gregoire crispy potato puff.

off of sundays, there was july fourth at kenji's, watching fireworks by the hot tub and eating to our heart's content; gina's housewarming party with lots of new cousins, alcohol, and of course, singing; and a rekindled relationship with quasijournalism with a start-up food review site.

yes, busy, but yes, happy.

-----

it took a while but settling in to this new place was easier than expected. familiar pictures and graphics mar the wall; megaman anchors a spot due east, and a conveniently placed full length mirror rounds out the room. there's a tv island (lacking cable... project runway, how do i miss thee!) and a computer station, and it's home. i feel comfortable. i feel leisurely. i feel safe.

the only thing missing is a puppy.

-----

change is the only constant, they say. change brings the new, the fresh. but out comes the comfortable, the tired. the relaxed pace of hanging out with friends becomes more and more frantic as time goes by -- the chance of being in their presence dramatically reduced by every minute unspent together. i find myself in the midst of friends moving and flying and leaving all within days of each other, seemingly unstoppable to the once relatively stable permanence of berkeley friendships.

change signals growth.

-----

ever feel like you're in the limbo of hanging out with people older than you but having many friends younger than you?

-----

i borrowed 13 going on 30 from ratha the other night, and as i was watching, i said to myself, it would be hilarious if we all got together and danced a dance that everyone knew. in the movie, they all danced "thriller" in one scene. for my generation, i'm sad to say, it's not even the sexy-ish lambada, but up it one notch to "corny" and you get the macarena.

you know you're doing it in your head right now, like you did in "international dance day" in high school.

i say we supplant the macarena with the cha cha slide. take it back, now, y'all.

-----

love is friendship on fire. i couldn't have said it better myself.

nemo nisi amicitiam cogniscitur

2006-06-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

i found out today that one of my great friends from work is leaving the country, heading south to brazil for a few months. he leaves in a few days. this is after another of my friends traversed to new york for a while, and before that, another to kazakhstan for a year.

there are so many new faces that sometimes i can't keep up, but it's the nature of the beast, i guess, to find that once you're comfortable, you realize you really can't be.

sigh. he'll be missed.

-----

my most recent adventure with g-glo was sf pride 2006, which was full of great debauchery and free swag. i met some of her friends -- it was a weird kind of vibe since we were on such the same wavelengths. gives me a better sense of who gina really likes to hang out with.

did i mention that we saw twelve naked people? on top of the drag queens, shirtless bois and boobs just hanging out (not to mention the one guy who was in a horse costume), the place as crackling with an energy i hadn't seen before at pride. it was huge; it occupied not only civic center but about six surrounding blocks. and within these blocks, did i mention the nakedness?

i signed up to volunteer as a dog walker, petitioned for equal human rights and marriage equality, and watched a great gathering of people celebrate love for what it is: blind, unconditional, and happy.

-----

one of the best feelings is when one of your friends calls you up from nowhere and asks how you've been doing lately.

it makes me smile that i can do that to someone else.

-----

placing yourself in different contexts effectively makes you, it forces you, really, to adapt. however uncomfortable or unsure, in the end, you end up mostly unscathed.

whether in the context of a workplace or with friends, in a relationship or by yourself, or in any other smattering of time and space that one may consider, adaptability is the forte of the human spirit. you adapt to change by coping, by denying, by abusing, by being curious and by being stubborn. adapting is getting to know your environments, your people. adapting is eventually finding what it is you like doing and specializing. adapting, to be concise, is living.

whatever it is life throws at you, you adapt. it's that simple.

-----

simple pleasures for simple people: walking down the street after a long day at work, feeling a cool breeze and enjoying some crispy potato puffs and a sparkling orange beverage, watching the sun paint the town marvelous colors.

-----

in the shower today i was singing, and it made me feel good.

not many things have that ability, that innate capacity to make you feel better by virtue of their happening. singing made me miss singing. sleep makes me realize just how important it really is. and the joy, the pleasure i have in the simple act of eating -- there's an ineffable quality in the simple things. simple things are your best friends because they're always there, and they're always going to be there in the same manner.

it's why sometimes you go for the fries and the burger instead of the salad and the whole grains, why chocolate rarely has bad memories, why seeing bubbles make you smile.

that ineffable simplicity is wonderfully intangible and ephemeral.

-----

i wish i had a friend like charlie rose. imagine the drunk stories he would tell.

-----

"let's" is such a good word. it's a happy word. it's a word that allows, that portends something that people can do together.

"let's."

in flagrante delicto

2006-06-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

i got home after work on saturday pretty late; i was in bed by 3, but that was after taking a quick shower.

and yes, 3 in the morning. i got up at 11.30 to cursorily greet toby and sawako, but i went back to sleep because i was so tired. i didn't wake up until around 5, in which case the sun had already started to head west. i spent all day lazing about and feeling a little useless.

it's times like these that i really appreciate garfield and friends.

-----

now that i don't have cable, i try and make it a point to go somewhere that shows the world cup games. or at least, religiously refresh my espn page at home.

the weekends are the best, since abc actually cares enough to show the games. and when you grow up playing football, it kinda sticks with you.

BRASIL!

-----

when you're straddling so many different lines, it's hard to keep up with the world because you're so busy trying to balance yourself, what with one thing wanting you to change and another pulling you to become stagnant; another puzzling you with affections and another forcing you out of habit.

i don't shun. and if you think i do, let me know. i'll prove it otherwise.

-----

there is, for lack of better terms, an absence of momentum. in fact there's an absence of order altogether; it seems as if everyone in my life is dealing with a terrific disarray of all things considered, from accidents to losses to work-induced tiredness. from dogs to cars, from food to computers, everyone's still on edge, and the momentum is nowhere to be found.

it seems as if this was all happening two weeks ago, and it's still happening. there's no shift from more to less since it's constant.

and it hurts. to see lives around me change is insane, since i myself seel so punctuated.

have i been caught red-handed being complacent?

-----

there is only one way to go, and that's up.
there is only one way to go, and that's up.
there is only one way to go, and that's up.
there is only one way to go, and that's up.
there is only one way to go, and that's up.

-----

some days, i feel as if i don't feel enough.

-----

i realized today that friends are by far the best measure of your character.

i love my friends.

dum vita est, spes est

2006-06-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

mikhail baryshnikov is a cool dude.

-----

i was listening to some music while i was cleaning my room the other day, and a line from one of the songs struck me so hard i had to sit down and rethink it for a while, and accept that it was true.

"i realize that i just don't love you
not like i used to"

and then a big smile decided to appear on my face, staying there until i finished cleaning, leaving me with a good satisfaction that thank fucking god, i'm over it.

-----

we were just hanging out one day when we heard about two of our good friends involved in a car accident. it was nerve-wracking, for sure, but thankfully they escaped with nothing but a few pills of soma and vicodin and a knee brace.

it's one of those things that makes you flash all the moments you've had with these people in two seconds, then you feel immediate fear because you realize you might not be able to relive any of those.

immediate fear because you can't grow old with people.

loss is a weird thing. i remember my great grandma's funeral when i was around six or seven. everyone around me was crying, sobbing. i wanted to cry. i wsa forcing myself to. but nothing came. i never really knew her. but family's family, so i was there, dressed in a little kid's suit, pretending to rub my eyes and wipe my tears with my sleeve because i saw my dad doing it.

flash to when i was a sophomore in high school. i hear about my grandma's death. i sat in my room for two seconds and immediately bawled. my grandma practically raised me, taught me all the little things i should and shouldn't do: don't swim after eating, don't use your hands to eat that, don't poke sticks in that. my brother and i were crying for a while, out of shock more than grief, and came to terms with it a few days later.

and then four years later, dear dear liam said goodbye to us all by overdosing on methamphetamines. he was one of my best friends in manhattan, one of those artsy-geeky-rocker types that the english majors would fall in love with. depressed over the loss of his best friend at 9/11, he crashed in two years, spiraling to a careless and frenzied way of dealing with his loss.

for months, my friends and i wondered why. we cried, we got mad, we didn't want to see each other. i got diagnosed with clinical depression, stemming from his death; and a few more of my friends went through the same. to this day, every time i hear "yellow" i can't help but feel emotional.

but in all these cases of loss you realize that what everyone's been saying all along is true. you don't know what you have until it's gone. i won't ever hear stories from my great grandma's mouth, i won't ever get to hug my grandma, and i won't ever have the chance to hang out with liam.

so if it sounds as if i'm terribly concerned or overactive about these kinds of situations, it's because i'm afraid. loss can make you a hell of a lot more fucked up than you already are (don't tell me you aren't or you'll get ripped a new one).

but i hold out. hope usually wins when it comes to these things, and despite everyone thinking i'm a pessimist, i'm hoping the pessimism holds out on the double negativity of the situation. not to mention all the great friends i have, the ones i will have a chance to grow old with, the ones that tie together sanity and optimism with adventure and caution.

consider this a premature thank you.

-----

have you ever felt a longing, a tug at your heart, a pull at your sleeve, to be with someone?

it hurts.

-----

it's when the birds chirp pleasantly in the morning, when the sun decides to bathe berkeley in a golden swath of light, when the flowers waft their aromas onto the sidewalk, when the grass is cool under half an inch of cover, when the water twinkles during high noon.

it's summer.

mens agitat molem

2006-06-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

after a long recovery period from the jetlag i was back to work, toiling over menial offfice jobs and dealing with some irate characters. one incident involved a group of georgians, obviously on their first trip out to california, their only notion of berkeley being a hippie town and naked protesters. they were awesome.

scene 1, aka en route to the bathroom.
"hey, y'all, wha is THAT?"
"this? it's a cappucino."
"what's THAT?"
"it's espresso with steamed milk and some foam."
"STEAMED MILK?"

scene 2, aka returning to the table.
"all right, now, y'all, what is that?"
"it's a mocha."
"what's that, like, chocolate?"
"yes, it's chocolate sauce. then we pour the milk and the coffee on top..."
"YOU CALIFORNIANS ARE CRAZY!"

scene 3, aka as they are eating.
"so do you have any questions about the menu?"
"what's this?"
"those are things you can order on the side. olives, anchovies, parmesan."
"what's PARMAZHANG?"

scene 4, aka as their wine arrives.
"y'all are classy. it doesn't come in a box."

scene 5, aka the pizza gets on the table.
"y'all don't got coke, right?"
"right, we only serve organic and sustainable beverages."
"so how about pepsi? or that new 7up?"

scene 6, aka refilling their water.
"this water is delicious! where do y'all get it?"
"it's berkeley tap water."
"so what about those water bottles i see y'all carrying around?"
"people order those."
"WHO BUYS WATER IN A BOTTLE?"

scene 7, aka exeunt.
"thanks for coming. have a good evening."
"y'all are great, but this place is crazy!'
"we know, ma'am. it's kinda why we work here."
"oh! i love it! say hi to your boss for me. we saw her on pbs."
"will do."
"it's how we knew about this place."
"oh, great."
"so we'll see you again tomorrow!"

-----

i've moved! thanks to my friends and movers.

expect an email from me soon. if you don't get one, i don't want you stalking me.

hugs!

-----

i've missed going to the city for the sake of just going to the city. i went with my brother the other day and had a blast. we had no plans. we ended up going in and out of the haight street fair, then to union square, ending up at chinatown where we re-encountered mister happy-happy-happy (ring a bell, berkeleyans?) ranting in chinese.

there's good energy in san francisco. lots of tourists. be careful, locals, there are a lot of people brandishing maps going into h&m on powell. then they go straight to urban outfitters. then they take pictures on the cable car line.

some days i want to be a tourist in san francisco. maybe buy myself a day pass on the double-decker buses, or get on a bay line cruise. go back and see alcatraz, eat chowder at the wharf, have a sundae at ghirardelli square. take pictures of ridiculous things. get lost on muni.

you never forget your first time.

-----

oh and yeah, my ear's pierced.

summer refrain

2006-05-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

"no drama, you guys, i'm not going to start any drama."

by day two of tour, someone had already set their mind on leaving; by the fourth day, there were five people going back up to norcal.

in the in-between was a lot of singing, lying around on the beach, in transit (read: stuck in la traffic), young people, of course, food. there were some moments of relief and happiness, but as someone pointed out, "this trip hasn't given me a reason to be happy."

myself, i looked forward to flying out of southern california to the east coast, where adventures abounded.

but for a few moments there, i realized that i made true friends, ones i would genuinely miss. it was a little heartbreaking knowing that i wouldn't see them for a while, and if i did, that the separation of age, time, and space would take its toll. it's like what everyone wrote in their high school yearbooks: keep in touch, best friends forever. the follow-through never happens.

i felt that by the end of those four days we had all started to form our own little cliques, and that the edge that everyone was on was enough to send someone down the cliff. but i think for the most part we survived, solidifying some already-concrete relationships, burning a few bridges, and building new ones.

for what it's worth, my experience with air was good. i couldn't complain.

some things just have to end, i guess.

-----

the flight to new york was painful: sandwiched between a snoring old man and a trendy 40-year old woman who wouldn't stop reading out loud, i was banished to drink half a can of ginger ale and eat bad plane food (i know it's a little redundant, but the opposite would have been an oxymoron). the movie was rumor has it, and rumor had it that it was bad, so i dodn't watch it. i solved three crosswords. i tried to nap. my back ached.

but as soon as i got out of the airport and headed to the city, i flashed back a few years, memories spinning in my head over the greatest summers of my life.

and i felt the warm, humid summer air envelop me as i got out of the cab, reminding me that yes, it was summer in new york, and that i was back.

-----

i gallivanted all over town, retracing steps untaken for years, trouncing on subway lines and sitting among magnificent pieces of art and architecture. i took myself on a walking journey, from ground zero to the met, on my first day of excursion, meeting up with new york friends and reliving the hotspots of high school almost too literally -- it was near 80 degrees every day i was there. nights at brooklyn were standard, and were a welcome change of pace from the frenetics of manhattan.

then the next day ben showed up and we tripped over to greenwich village, lunching and winding up at moma. i explored park slope for a bit, eating late at blue ribbon, and sweating the night away -- even at night, brooklyn was around 75 degrees.

the museum of natural history was a great break from art and architecture, and relieving, to a point -- it was a raucous place, different from the stifling silence of the met and the grand scale of moma; there was applause and laughter around corners, and the energy was different. i revisited the dioramas, took in one of the most engrossing and intriguing installations about evolution i had come upon, and marveled at scale and size.

soon afterwards my aunts and i met up in the east village, where we had a rendezvous with little italy and the summer street festival and soho. it didn't feel at all like memorial day. in fact it didn't feel like any particular day while i was there -- like it had all been one stream of consciousness from friday to tuesday, drifting in and out of zoning in.

and sure, the talk was all talk. i don't know if i nailed anything nor if i guaranteed myself a spot in the next class, but only time will tell.

i spent my last day in the lower east side, looking at dogs, eating at katz's, and drinking beer. it felt like home.

the most heart-wrenching part was getting into that car and telling the driver that i had to be in san francisco, knowing that what lay ahead was work and more work, moving, and stasis.

i wanted to stay so badly. i wanted to find myself again. i wanted to wander through the streets and feel like a part of something bigger than i was.

i'll be back soon.

-----

returning to the cool pacific breeze was a reminder that this, for the moment, was home. this was it, the bastion of liberalism and vegans, home of organic food and academia. and friends -- home to many friends who cherished each other's time and being, appreciative of support and hearing your voice.

the bay area holds a special place in my heart, because this was where i realized i had one.

-----

as cliché as it sounds, you are the change you want to be.

be.

-----

may friends you love know.

serendipitous

2006-05-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

having unplanned days can be good sometimes.

-----

mix one part bacardi 151 with one and a half parts of strawberry syrup and three parts of sparkling water.

it makes for a terrific afternoon soda, especially when you're lying on the median on rose and shattuck, enjoying turkey sandwiches and having good conversation.

-----

i was tailed on my way home last night -- some shady guy basically followed me home after eyeing my bag for a few blocks and started gunning for me when he saw me pull out my keys. i ran inside. he yelled.

lesson #632516: always walk home using the safe route -- and be sure to have someone to call so that they know you're all right. (thanks nathan!)

-----

yeah brant parties!

-----

did everyone see that grey's anatomy finale? oh man.

so good.

-----

i recently talked to one of my close east coast friends, and found out that they were all going to take a crazy three-month long (!) trip going "around south america" and gallivanting while it's winter there.

i wanna go!

-----

strawberries are in season. delicious.

"we're a blasphemous pot of dying culture"

2006-05-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

the best moments come from those of whom you least expect.

-----

i've been in two empty houses this week, both of which now hold fantastic memories. in the first we ended up eating candy in the dark, talking about growing up in an empty kitchen, and sitting on the hardwood flooring of an empty room, all leading up to nine hours of hanging out. being in the presence of people charges you differently than being alone charges you: the energies are convergent at some point, but at the end of it all they're so fundamentally different but still manage to make you smile at the end of the day.

the second time was in the piedmont, adoring the bottom unit of this duplex. after a trip to ikea we hung out and drank a celebratory glass of wine, followed by even more shenanigans and chicanery when we brought more people along and realized that we were getting just a bit too old for the collegiate experience. as one of them said as we were walking down the street, "you guys, i want to be old. no more of this school business." the rest of us smiled and giggled out of politeness.

how i wish he knew how much we wanted to take back these four years and relive them over and over again.

-----

the rest of the class of 2006 is finally graduating, which in itself is pretty unnerving considering everyone is a bit too sentimental or on edge. and neither of those feelings are that spectacular when coupled with large gatherings of friends and people you were in class with.

though it is hard to be on the other side of things... everyone else has their moments of fun when they're planning get-togethers and picture parties and i'm stuck at work. it ain't fair, but when life gives you lemons, you throw them right back.

-----

things are getting better, i have a feeling. they have to.

-----

when it hits you that it's mere weeks until something is actually over, you start yearning. it's the classic adam-and-eve syndrome. for a while now i've wanted out so much from a lot of things: singing, band, berkeley. but now that i realize my friends are all moving on, that we're all growing up, and i can't be a part of the campus hubbub, i've wanted to do things so much more. i want to sing a lot more, i want to be with my first friends here, and i want to stay in berkeley for a little bit longer.

what a mindfuck.

-----

i really did have this horrible lucid dream where i was in a plaza with a bunch of my friends, all of us laughing and talking, when all of a sudden a car drives by and starts yelling at us. we ignore it, but the insults kept coming, so we decided to get up and leave. we stroll down the sidewalk, continuing in our ignorant revelry, and all of a sudden the same car drives by and starts shooting at us.

a bunch of us duck for cover, but i hear two shots and two thuds, falling on the ground, and i scamper to grab my glasses. one of my closest friends had been shot in the stomach, and he was dying. the other victim, my best friend from high school, was already dead.

i shot up from my bed and started crying. i felt cold and alone.

-----

i miss the feeling of holding someone in your arms and doing nothing with them.

fuck that shit.

2006-05-07T03:21:00.000-07:00

it's the end of an era.

-----

spring show was awesome. extra special thanks to brighitte and gabe for being our ushers on friday. and to the other departing members of air, i will miss you like no other.

-----

the night was described aptly in one sentence: "the people who deserve it dont get it, and the people who don't get it are in their knees in it dying to know what it is they're in."

fuck.
that.
shit.

-----

bad idea, i know, but:

with all the shit that people have been taliking about me recently, i feel like shooting them one by one in the face.

-----

i had a horrible dream where my best friends got shot and i was stuck in purgatory.

it ended with me being near a fountain and feeling the water between my toes.

i wanted to stop time and tell people how much they meant to me, but obviously that wasn't going to work.

i would advise getting away from public plazas or altogether buying the audio feed.

-----

i can't anymore.

biteth like a serpent

2006-05-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

life lesson #894832: stressful things like to happen all at once.

-----

the last concert for this crop of air is this friday and saturday, 8pm at 145 dwinelle. if you are anyone in my life or would like to begin to be, you'll be there. let me know if you want tickets.

-----

k.d. lang was at work today. boz scaggs was at work last night. in a few weeks, al gore is coming. glory of glories.

-----

i was reading a book called "hidden kitchens" written by the kitchen sisters on npr. it's a fantastic read, very easy. and good to realize that you really are what you eat.

-----

you know that feeling when you think you're the most down-and-out person on earth, then someone tells you something worse and even more grotesquely horrible that you can't help but bring a smile to your face?

it's good to know that somewhere out there someone's having a tougher time. it somehow makes things easier.

-----

when did all these socialites figure out what myspace is?? i think it's kinda gross when you're a thirtysomething browsing myspace. you should have real friends by that time.

-----

chili oil is the funnest thing to eat with everything. it hurts so good.

-----

kelly clarkson and her song "walk away" (not to be confused with "breakaway"), man. that song is fragging catchy.

i was humming it at work. and when you hum kelly clarkson songs, it gets into everyone's heads too, and everyone starts humming it. then it's a vicious cycle for days on end.

how does she do it??

-----

worse comes to worse, i'll be living in fremont beginning june 1.

aiye.

-----

fruit syrup and vanilla ice cream during a nice sunny spring day. it's the next best thing to your mother tucking you into bed, grandma's mashed potatoes, and soup after playing outside on a rainy day.

-----

anyone want to see the calder exhibit at sfmoma that's running til this month?

bounce bounce bounce

2006-04-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

up and down, that's where life inevitably takes you. it decides to make you sublime one moment and then miserable the next; it turns the unexpected into the best moments and the unforgettable ones as the worst. it can make someone harbor such ill will and good intentions, meaning to hurt your feelings yet one more time.

-----

the whole week has been declared a state of emergency, also known in layman's terms as 'the shitties week ever.' from the landlady telling us we have until the end of may to move all our shit out to being in a messy state of affairs -- you can read into that however you want -- all the way to having migraines at work an heart complications (read into that one too), the week progressed ever so crappily that it seems as if the next day can only get better, except it gets better in the wrong direction.

even now, run-on sentences are making more sense.

it is a terrible, terrible state of affairs to be in.

-----

like i had said before, the people who don't deserve to be in the shit often tend to be the ones who are already chest-deep in the mess. and the effort in their optimism pays off in their karma. they don't know they don't deserve the shit they're in.

but the people who do deserve it can usually get themselves out. it ain't fair.

it ain't fucking fair, and i have no fucking time.

-----

it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

-----

i met dan rather and jimmy buffett this week. on the agenda: jane goodall, al gore, and metallica.

i have the coolest job in the entire fucking world.

-----

the friends you rarely see are the ones you tend to have the best time with. the ones you've never met are the ones you remember first. and the ones who don't even need to try to do anything are the ones that change your life. from watching movies to just talking, the dynamic changes from gorup to group, but that energy that flows from one person who understands you best is unmatched.

-----

there is an evil side of me that wants to see you fail.

i want nothing but the best and the worst for you.

-----

i feel like i don't deserve the shit i'm in, but would you think otherwise?

a strange exhilaration

2006-04-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

i don't know what he's after.

-----

i just want you to know how i feel, whatever it is or was. and it hurts, but like you say, stay strong, and i will. and i'll never understand the whys and the ifs and the buts, but give it some time. i'll get there eventually.

-----

the people that keep you grounded usually don't deserve the shit they go through. give them hugs, tell them how much they mean to you, and make them smile. you'll make their day. it's worth the trouble telling them because they appreciate it about a million times back.

-----

when creative people get together and different energies from different outlets seem to mesh on that one wavelength, it's a great thing to behold. when you hear a line of music, when you see a certain color, when you feel that rhythm in your head pounding on your hands and feet -- that synchronicity is what those creative energies are fueling towards, and it's an amazing thing when it clicks.

-----

gina is a fantastic roommate. i should be so lucky.

-----

to feel so much doesn't mean to be so much; too feel with others doesn't mean to be sympathetic so much. to feel and to live, to breathe, takes the collective effort of many sympathies and the foolish persistence of your being. to live, in effect, is to taunt death, to realize that one moment of extreme mortality, your life flashing before your eyes, gasping for air.

it's a fine line between life and death.

-----

shambles. my life is in shambles.

and i'm kinda okay with that.

for good or for awesome

2006-04-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

yesterday was nice and warm, but now, it's gray and shitty. what the fuck, man?

-----

it's so sad to see something progress from the beginning as awesome to almost non-existent. you die a little inside.

-----

last night at work, pink floyd came into the restaurant. as in, the pink floyd.

then i looked at the sheets for next week and saw that jane goodall was having dinner.

great, i thought, first, acid-tripping musicians, next, shit-throwing primatologists.

we do attract some crazies sometimes.

-----

good: the california asparagus crop is coming in, and it's delicious.

bad: about 40% of the people who eat asparagus metabolize it as such so that a sulfur compund is excreted in their urine, giving it what we have affectionately called "the stinkles."

worse: i am in that 40%.

-----

maundy: thursday. i don't even know what maundy means.

good: friday. so that's why they weren't serving red meat yesterday.

black: saturday. no jesus today, folks. keep on your toes.

easter: sunday. i'm too old to get gifts from the bunny. maybe i'll just eat rabbit.

-----

you know you want to go to the AiR show. buy tickets from me.

-----

some days i wake up and i get this nagging feeling that i shouldn't even be here anymore. not like in the suicidal kind of way, but in the berkeley kind of way. i know i'm just feeling more and more left out of that whole thing that was the undergraduate experience, and the further i am from it, the better; though i can't escape it since physically it's so close by.

it makes me cringe sometimes when people complain about midterms and tests and papers and finals; i did the same thing, get over it.

and then the real world slaps me back into reality when i'm sitting at home on a friday night, bored, when all of the people i know have already set out for their usual friday night ritual of party-hopping and drunken escapades.

i have no friends.

-----

kristen: who's getting all the love? oh, it's calista!
calista: aww, yay!
mig: it's like bukkake! caliwukkake!
poursh: wait, what's 'bukkake'?
larry: you've never heard of 'bukkake' before?
poursh: no. what is it?
mig: it's like a costco-sized gluestick.

-----

it's time for a change.

mix it up

2006-04-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

friday evening was one of my favorite worknights since it was so beautifully laid back. no drama, no hassle, just work. and that's how it should be.

-----

saturday morning was the AiR alumni mixer, and the best part was running around and meeting people from all over the place and hearing their stories. not to mention around thirty people singing the same song was an amazing thing; sylvia's "ears are hurting like crazy!"

moral of the story: friends are amazing people. grow old with them.

-----

saturday night was the charter gala for the university. if you ever have the chance to go, go. it's worth the trouble.

the food was great, the entertainment was off the hook, and being there was an experience all in itself that never ceased to amaze me. (the booze alone was amazing enough.)

-----

sunday was the day we spent in the city, singing in the rain at ghirardelli square, trying to earn money as we tried to avoid getting wet.

singing in the rain is something everyone should experience.

-----

sooner or later? i think it should be rephrased as "sooner or even sooner?"

not happening

2006-04-05T04:02:00.000-07:00

it's four in the fucking morning and i can't sleep. what the fuck.

drip drip drop little april showers

2006-04-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

"april showers" used to be a cute little song from bambi that i used to listen to every time my niece would come over and point at the disneyana collection that we had at home. small as she was she always managed to grab the cd, so it was requisite listening anytime we would go somewhere -- to the beach, the mall, around the corner. this kid ate this stuff up.

but, anyway, back to the song. so this would most inappropriately play in the background when the most inopportune moments were operating on the real world. once it played when it was drought season in southern california; there was a radio newscast that said something about wildfires blazing through the inland counties. two seconds later, "april showers" comes on. there was one where we were at the beach and on our way home, the sky turned unexpectedly gray and rain poured down for about two days. to what song? "april showers."

and now that it's finally april, the first two days of it all have been marked by, what else, little april showers, the sun not turning any brighter than two hours at a time.

but the best part really is that out there somewhere, "april showers" is someone's drag queen name.

-----

saturdays should be spent with friends.

sundays should be spent nursing hangovers with friends.

-----

the funny thing with relationships is, as i was telling someone last night, it doesn't matter whether or not you viscerally react to something, but in how much you invest your time in it. and in the end, it's ll really about connecting with someone and relating to them on some higher level that both of you appreciate, one of those great "sum is more than the whole of its parts" mysteries the world tends to offer up quite a bit.

what i'm really trying to say is, why aren't i there with you?

-----

maintaining something is exponentially harder to do than just flat out doing something. it's like a college student with laundry: you try to keep the hamper as empty as possible, but in the end, when you finally do HAVE to do your laundry, it's costing you $20 in quarters and two weekends to do.

things just need to get easier, and i have a feeling that the near future will present something like that.

-----

i can't stand hypocrites. really, i can't.

maybe that's why sometimes i can't stand myself.

-----

watch yourself, kids. be safe. no one likes a gimp in april.

can you spell that for me?

2006-03-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

maybe it's the mean person in me, or maybe it's the grammarian, but when i saw a message to me that read "i hope your day get's better" i wanted to write back, i hope your spelling gets better!

me = horrible person.

-----

i think there should be more songs that spell things out. the alphabet doesn't count; you're not spelling a 26-letter nonsense word. the only song i can conceivably think of doing that would "method of love" (yes, it's hall and fucking oates). any other songs? didn't think so. at least, none that came off the top of my head.

americans, especially, i think need this kind of reinforcement. imagine the scores of third-graders who all of a sudden could spell "beautiful" thanks to bruce almighty. now imagine all the high schoolers who would be able to retain spellings of SAT words (let alone regular vocabulary mishaps). the general consciousness would be smarter, and in effect, everyone prospers.

it'll be like we're in sesame street forever. and you know, after avenue q, that's not sounding like a bad idea. i can be best friends with a muppet.

-----

i thought it was march, but then it hailed and it rained and the only clear day was sunday. god hates berkeley. too many democrats.

-----

for the first time this year, i picked flowers and placed them in my apartment. there's a different feeling when you walk in a room and you see things that are alive instead of wires and scandinavian furniture. it's something else to look at; it's inspirational. it's low maintenance.

and really, the queer eye guys would be proud. i recycled bottles for vases.

-----

i've come to realize that my family is invaluable. it took me a while to adjust to the fact that mom and dad weren't just mom and dad; they went through all the shit i did, too, and they actually do care. after the whole teenage rebellion thing, and definitely after trying to survive on your own, you gain a higher level of appreciation for these people who took the trouble to raise you and clothe you and feed you and give you an education. suddenly living at home doesn't sound so bad, and more often than not when you find you don't have anyone to call, mom's always on the other line.

my parents were up this weekend and it was a great feeling to spend time with them, to just tell stories and eat and look at pictures. it felt good to laugh at grandma's jokes, to feel embarrassed by mom's old stories. it was enlightening to know more about my stepdad and to joke around with my aunt. and to see my cousin whom i hadn't seen in eight years, that was a blessing.

i'm glad i'm part of a big family. those reunions when things are a little bit awkward are actually some of my favorite moments, because then i realize that in this convergence of people, these hundreds of bodies, that the same blood is coursing in our veins.

-----

i was watching the food network the other day, and paula deen was making her version of english food: shepherd's pie and stuffed potatoes, but the most amazing thing she made was this banoffee pie that was a graham cracker crust, homemade toffee, bananas, cream custard, and more bananas.

the most precious thing was when she tasted her creation. she made the most satisfied sound, put her hand to her head, and just looked at the camera dead on and started nodding.

yeah, words really can't express the look on that lady's face.

pause

2006-03-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

-----

recently this talk of movement has been springing from so many mouths. not in the physical, literal sense, mind you; more of the visceral, emotional, forward-thinking kind that makes you want to cry sometimes because seeing into the future should never be something you're subject to.

movement is scary, but when it hits you, when you can't do nothing but move, you feel so relieved. you're all smiles.

i'm scared to be all smiles.

-----

if you think it's cold there, i think it's colder here without you.

-----

walking home from work today i noticed the rain falling slowly onto the sidewalk, giving the air that musty scent of gravel and loam wasping as humid pressure tends to do. then the drops turned into a small misting of the air, then the drops grew bigger and bigger until oxford street was once again a river. i began walking faster towards my house, which went from inching along to briskly walking. my umbrella was laying forgotten on my kitchen floor.

i saw this girl in an adorable green peacoat walking along, relishing the moment, doing the exact opposite. she slowed down, ground to a halt, and looked up. she let out an irresistable chuckle, then a laugh, as if she had just remembered her entire childhood all over again.

i passed her, and she looked at me, and i smiled out of politeness. she smiled and said to me, "missing people is normal."

and i stood there for a few seconds with her, absorbing the now ungodly-large drops of water pouring from the sky, thinking about what this stranger had just said to me. cockeyed, i stared at her, wondering how on earth she could have peered into my brain and picked out the one thing that had been nagging me the entire day.

"thanks," i managed to squeak out, "i know."

and she smiled and nodded, and looked up again, and i kept walking home. but i walked a little slower, letting the rain drip down my glasses, feeling the squish-sqash of the water in my shoes, and deliberately not wiping the water collecting on my cheeks.

i smiled, and thought of that girl in green having the best day of her life.

-----

i hang out with beautiful people with hopes that someday it'll rub off on me.

-----

this limbo feels so unsure but so secure. i want it to end.

the canada of california

2006-03-07T13:09:00.000-08:00

otherwise known as oregon.

let's go through this in bullet points:

-AiR heads up to oregon for icca quarterfinals. how, you ask?
- 15-seater van. i had to back up about thirty feet to get the entire thing on my camera.

- drama in the first fifteen minutes? seriously?
- SPRING BREAK! we hit the 5.
- after a pretty much uneventful ride, we pass through shasta and see the most beautiful sunset:

- only of course, to discover, an even more wonderful sign:

- give or take a few hours and we were in oregonia. a few stops in ashland and medford, and we were three hours away from eugene.
- more drama. but soon it's all business, and we're all fast asleep.
- the next day. a bunch of us decide to explore the university of oregon campus proper, so we bring the cameras and our lovely selves to the student union, the cemetery, and of course, the bookstore.

- we suit up and get ready for our biggest performance yet: a crowd of over 800 people, all of whom paid at least $15 to watch us.
- we hold our breath. we kick ass. we're second place. we're going to stanfurd.
- wait a sec. PARTY TIME!

- and after a few rounds of drink and gina wrestling rafi (and winning!), we headed back to our humble hotel and slept.
- a mere few hours later, we were gearing up to go back to california.
- about a few minutes away from mt. shasta, in a little podunk town called yreka, we receive a phone call from poursh, saying that the 5 had been closed due to a snowstorm. we check around, and according to some weather reports, the surrounding areas of weed were going to receive anywhere from eight to eighteen inches of snow. shasta would, by next morning, gain three feet of snow.
- we effectively realize that the three bay area a cappella groups who competed: AiR, noteworthy, and the stanford harmonics, are all in yreka, stuck.
- so, stranded in yreka, we decide to hop into the local walmart to buy tire chains and relieve some tension. highlights incude jooho in a darth vader mask, singing the mcdonald's "i'm lovin' it" tune in minor keys, finding musical unicorn pony sticks, and failed attempts at getting some rest.
- six o'clock. we decide to call the chp and other sources (read: parents) to determine our fate. by this time, noteworthy's with us, all for one and all that junk.
- the 5 northbound opens. we decide to find a hotel room to stay in, with the only other option being driving down a freakish road that, according to a local, "will kill you if you don't have four wheel drive." our two cars are the 15-seater van (now aptly named "eugene") and the noteworthy 7-seater soccer mom van.
- we decide to stay, and have dinner up in medford after securing three rooms in an ashland hotel.
- we are freaking stranded. so what do we do? we play the hat game.

- after a round of the hat game and three subsequent rounds of mafia (those noteworthy boys are CRAZY!), i finally decide to take a quick nap. by this time it's 2.30, and we have all decided to leave ashland by 6. some noteworthy members decide to stay up all night.
- a bunch of people get up at 6, only to realize that the roads still aren't open. overnight, the 5 had been closed all the way up to ashland to prevent overcrowding in yreka. (who knew?)
- the roads finally opened up at around 7.30, so AiR decides to leave oregon "for good this time!"
- a few detours and a few runs on the 5, we make it back to berkeley at around 5.30 in the afternoon. we were supposed to have gotten in on sunday afternoon, not monday dusk.
- all in all, it was a great trip. not so much drama, just enough. and as always, in the end, we're all so happy because everything's beautiful.

one picture really sums the entire trip up, for me at least:

you guys, i wanna go back to the party.

falling in and out

2006-03-03T00:10:00.000-08:00

the other day, one of my really good friends told me somethng quite profound: "isn't it weird that sometimes, you can be with people for so long but you don't really click? i've known you for six months and i feel closer to you than i do with this girl i've known for like, three years."

the situation presents itself as such: face an awkward jury of peers because of something passive-aggressive, or seek out friends? new people with clean slates, or old friends who judge?

to the handful of true friends who are still around, i'd love to see you sometime.

-----

the rain is a beautiful thing. it always feels so clean and refreshing after a night of downpour. it paints the roads and gives them a nice gloss, a certain sheen that adds up when you consider the ambience of a wet evening.

i feel solace in the rain. and it makes me want some cassoulet toulousain.

-----

i don't like explaining myself, i've realized. you know why? i don't have to.

-----

jacob: "dude, if you had a vagina, i'd have so tagged that so many moons ago."
thanks, jake. way to make me feel better.

-----

oregon ought to be a blast. i'll be back sunday.

-----

my heart yearns. damn this love thing.

this

2006-02-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

is so fucking hard.

that's it

2006-02-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

jon's en route to new york, and the apartment is eerily quiet.

that's all, folks.

growing the f*ck up

2006-02-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

there used to be a point in time when i checked everyone's blogs and xangas and facebook profiles with a strange religious and fanatical fervor, but now i've found doing my last run-through that i feel so oddly disconnected to these people i used to see every waking moment, people i used to pour heart and soul to.

i find myself in the midst of life-altering changes, some that i really don't want to confront but some i eagerly await. friends that i do see don't know any better; they'd think i was just being coy with my smile on my face or my off-hand comments. it usually ends up looking and seeming that way, but as i'm sure you know, my brain never really works quite like that.

my parents and i used to be able to talk about anything and everything, but the last time i talked to them was when i went back during winter break. my brother and i used to see each other close to every weekend, but now i barely see him, let alone talk to him over the phone. is this growing up? i hope that in that equation, growing up doesn't mean losing touch with what you've based your life on.

i used to be able to rattle off for so long, but everything seems so punctuated - i was so opinionated, so brash, so nerve-wracked. now i feel as if i don't even have time to do that, the spare moments of my life slowly creeping up to me when i cut corners or find myself engaged in something so distracting it detracts from my goal in the first place. i don't feel any more different than a few months ago, but on the same token, i feel so disengaged from my surroundings that it's hard to measure what's real anymore.

in the span of a mere few weeks, good, loyal friends have become mere memories, pictures on my computer screen. i remember the sounds of their voices, their laughs, the way they used to call my name in earnest to get my attention. i have their phone numbers on my phone, but they sit idly, knowing full well that what awaits on the other side is a misguided misstep in communication.

i used to see you people everyday but now i don't, and yes, as much as i hate to admit it, i've changed, and i don't have the same capacity to think on my feet and passionately accomplish what i've set to do. it makes me look bad and feel bad that i'm letting you down, but can i help it when i need time to myself? i feel like i'm defending a lost cause, like you're never going to listen to anything i say anyway.

lost would be an inappropriate word. in the scheme of all of this, i don't feel lost; instead, i feel rather discombobulated. over the next few months, what's going to happen? will we drift further apart? will we make the concerted effort to follow through with our friendships? will we lose what we've built up over the past four years? it really feels eviscerating knowing that everyone will try to make the big effort, but no one even bothers for the simple time of the little effort. and by the time we figure out that we really should have tried, it'll be too damn late.

not to demean any of our friendships, but everything being tenuous makes me reconsider. it is ironic that we're all separating and going our own ways in about three months, but i feel like we're already there.

is it growing up? is it the real world? is it what we're all afraid of?

when i look in the mirror, sometimes i scare myself. honestly. i feel like i barely know myself anymore. i used to be so accessible to other people. i used to not care about what other people said. but now that it's as if i don't know these people, let alone myself, how the hell do i go around parading as if i'm better than you when i've got so much more insecurity hanging out of my pocket that i can barely even function?

time doesn't help in these instances. pretty soon days turn into weeks that meld together, congealing into memories that become so diluted and convoluted that sometimes, i really don't want to remember them anymore.

the questions just keep coming as time passes. the seconds tick away and every one that adds on seems to tick off just how much more anxious i am about the next and the unseen.

in a week my life becomes totally different. three years of myself will seem as if they never happened, like it was plucked unripe from the tree.

my heart leaves me.

true to form, i'm going to act as if nothing happened, where in probable reality you will see my coy smile masking a deep emptiness while attempting to stifle tears from running down my already-raw cheeks from crying the night before.

i have to ask why, but i feel like i'm just begging the question.

my hands grow colder. my hair shows a bit more white. i shiver; i panic. what the hell is going on?

where the hell is everybody i love?

HA

2006-02-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

i'm still alive.

-----

remember that i used to host a website through ocf? well it's still there, and so go check it out and tell me what you think.

-----

CHEZ PANISSE!

uncertain

2006-01-17T01:07:00.000-08:00

tahoe was great. three nights and three days of awesomeness. except for the one day when it was ridiculously snowing and windy, the whole experience was great, what with the room going apeshit as we watched ankur on beauty and the geek 2 (dude, i hella know that guy), chicken and beer (it's the one in the fat short bottle!), the hot tub, gambling at the stateline, and skiing on freshy groomed powder.

under the sun, the whole place was gorgeous. it looked as if i was in the middle of fucking narnia, except that the ice queen was on vay-cay.

surprisingly, my legs are fine. no soreness, no stiffness, not even a hint of shins going blistery. the worst that happened was that i woke up today with chapped lips. take that, sierra nevadas!

sigh. i think i'm headed up for the lake again this weekend.

-----

moving sounds so scary, no?

-----

i was talking to megan for a few hours and realized that the whole transitional phase in between modes -- high school to college, college to real world, etc. -- is so blissfully uncertain that in itself, it makes you want to do it and regret it all at the same time.

slap in the face, i tell ya.

-----

and with that sad realization comes another: it's the first day of classes for EVERYONE ELSE.

-----

you know that habit of yours, when you just keep sticking change in your pocket, not emptying it out until you realize you have a lot of change in your pocket?

i have $7.18 in change. think about it. that is HELLA change.

-----

congratulations, extension students! go make the campus prettier! go teach the nerds how to party! and yes, you are all real berkeley students now, for real!

y'all hold a special place in my heart.

-----

i am scared out of my mind. should i buy red gold or platinum?!?

one week in

2006-01-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

and it's already crazy delicious! (guess who got one of those!)

-----

skiiiiiiiiiiiii triiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!

-----

along the lines of design, i'm currently offering my portfolio-building services to anyone interested. i'll turn you into a brand; you turn me into a reference. sweet deal? maybe. if there's some money involved.

-----

if you've been to the cal basketball games recently, the new guy nikola knezevic is like awesome. he's gonna be big, i promise.

-----

work's work. not that exciting, but it's what i like doing. graphic design + structural calculations = crazy delicious.

-----

solar power? have you looked into that? you should.

"no feelings in general"

2005-12-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

to describe the year that just passed, i'd say that things got more and more ridiculous up until the very last day.

-----

i used to live alone. now i don't. that's good.

-----

spring was good, and summer was better, but fall was the best, by far. stress and tension, sure, but friends and good times made it better. there's always drama in college, and shit, you can't avoid it, but you try. to be called insensitive was a highlight. maybe folks just don't get the difference when you know when to react.

-----

had a job, quit the job, got a new one. a better one. this too is good. from tourguiding to designing, it's a step in the right direction if i want to start my own firm.

-----

i was twenty. now i'm twenty-one. this is also very good. here's to more nights i can't remember and pictures i won't forget.

-----

california is a gorgeous state.

-----

the thing is, though, when you wake up tomorrow after the fireworks and the champagne, it's all another day. yo just have to get used to writing a new number after 2-0-0. and it takes a while, and when you're finally used to it, it's time to change it again.

-----

new year, new number. if you want it, email me.

moments

2005-12-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

"so there was this guy, right, and he tries to go on our bus for la roadtrip. we're all changing, and all of a sudden he's all, 'hey guys, can i ride on your bus?' and i was like, 'no dude, this is for the band.' so he kept pestering me, this guy, he was really tall. and it looked like he needed to shave, too."

-----

"sexy face, gabi, sexy face!"

-----

"i am the greatest warrior you will ever see. for i have blood of two wonderful creatures... i am half-man and half-MAN."

-----

[stupid smile on face]

-----

"that's so sad! don't leave! who's gonna take me out to lunch every week?"

-----

"miggie miggie miggie, can't you see..."

-----

"i couldn't handle it. when bob started crying, i had to take my glasses off. pat was bawling."

-----

"i hope someday we can have our own puppy."

-----

"yeah. he went as a venetian blind. he wore shades and had a guide pole and his shirt said 'venice.'"

-----

[ling ling screaming]

-----

"you... chowderheads."
"but bob, i wanted to win shirt of the day!"

-----

"i'm gonna start calling you that. stephanie. is that fine with you, stephanie? it's good to be called stephanie, right?"
"stop it, david. you're creeping me out."

-----

"OH SNAP!"
"did bruno just say 'oh snap'?"

-----

"dude, how come every conversation we have ends up like this? it's so depressing."
"i know. we're just gonna have to live in new york together."

-----

"dude, rafi, thas so funny. jk."

-----

"so here we are at the watering hole..."
"haha, hole."
"tracey!"
"shut up. i hate you guys. [giggle]"
"what a galactic slut!"
"not just aliens, but people too!"

-----

"hey kevin! how are you doing?"
"wha?"

-----

"go david, go david, go, go, go david..."
[whitest white boy dance ever]

-----

"ay me gustan las tortillas
viva pancho villa"

-----

"HAHHHHHHHHHT!"

-----

"raruvru."
"what?"
"[mumble]"
"no seriously, what? i can't hear you."
"I LOVE YOU!"
"oh. i know."

-----

[shat laughing]

-----

"yeah, i laughed out loud when i typed 'LOL.'"

-----

"fuck you motherfuckers!"

-----

"go motherfucking bears!"

long time no see

2005-12-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

since i last updated...

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thanksgiving was great. my brother, his roommate, and a bunch of our cousins and friends in mountain view were good times all around. on top of cooking a turkey on thanksgiving, the next day, we cooked another turkey. (can you say fatty?)

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band awards banquet. my last one, and yes, it was bittersweet, as expected. congratulations to next-comm: allie, heather, hanadi!, david, and ryan... you'll make coming back and visiting that much more fun.

the great part was, really, the election process. aiye. i'd rather knock back like four shots of really bad tequila in a row.

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AiR fall show. huge success. we sounded tight, we had our confidence up, and we just plain had fun. the afterparty on saturday was pretty crazy, too, from what i remember and from what every other sober person told me i was going crazy.

if anything, it just adds proof that i'm the biggest kissing slut in the world.

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newman-senior potluck. reminiscing about the past three years is crazy because it never really feels like much until it's all over and done with. at the end of it all i wanted to give everyone a huge hug -- to the fourth years because to most of us, we're done and won't have this feeling ever again, and to the newmen, who we're all so jealous of because they've got three more years to make huge mistakes.

nothing but love.

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LAS VEGAS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm taking the week off from work to go party it up in las vegas, ewhen cal plays byu at the vegas bowl (HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA). glory of glories.

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no more school. ever.

one last final. all the big papers are done.

holy crap, this is scary.

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building my portfolio. so really, if any of you need invitations or anything printed or want a website, let me know.

i might even do it for free.

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i'm a working boy! which really means, ngoc, let's hang out.

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it's christmastime?!?!?!?!!??!?

it never ends, pt 2

2005-11-20T22:53:00.000-08:00

awash in blue and gold splendor, the berkeley campus is positively glowing thanks to a deliciously one-sided rout of stanfurd at the 108th big game, where the california golden bears snapped up their fourth straight year with the axe, edging the cardinal 27-3 in a surprisingly clean and underrated game.

steve levy, then-backup quarterback, started for the big game. joe ayoob was on hand for placing for tom schneider. levy was consistent and determined, and visibly happy after the game when he tried to check a security guard as he was on his way to the cal section of the stadium. with this win, the bears prevent stanford from being bowl-eligible (they'll have to beat notre dame next week), three uc's have beaten stanfurd at football (uc davis, ucla, and cal), and the stanfurd class of 2006 has never seen their school win at big game, despite holding on to the axe for seven straight years before they were freshmen.

the band never got a bigger response until this halftime show. the fans usually just cheer (loudly!) one big "cal band great!", but this time they were chanting it, yelling it over and over until we were well halfway into the stands. it felt great; student response is one of the things we do this for, and their reaction reflects our performance.

big game, i'm going to miss you. but i'm sure it'll be fun as a young alum, too.

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sick as a dog.

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i applied for a job last tuesday on a posting i saw on craigslist. emails were exchanged and i really wasn't expecting much out of it, until on wednesday i received an email about interviewing on thursday. thursday came, the interview was great, and then friday rolled around.

for having the application and selection process in three short days, i'm proud to say i'll be working for a structural engineering firm starting monday.

so from school to work... it's a great transition, but it'll be tough as well, trying to cope and balance out the post-collegiate scene.

i'm so excited, though. "tipping mar and associates, this is miguel, how may i be of service?"

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i want to start painting again.

holy crap

2005-11-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

it's relieving and insightful seeing a newman say this:

"it is so stupid that we have a section that is quick to complain yet will take no action to change anything."

story of my life, kids.

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i'm out in five weeks.

this saturday is my last home game as a student.

holy crap.

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my shoulder really hurts. it's ridiculous.

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i think it's really funny when people don't realize they're doing things for all the wrong reasons. think about it: do you really want to be a model of conformity? or would you rather be an individual, doing your thing, not caring about what other people think of what it is you do?

good luck. life will slap you in the nuts. and it hurts.

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anxious.

can't win 'em all

2005-11-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

oh, bears. roll on.

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artists in resonance rocked the house at the west coast a cappella showcase on friday. gina's solo was first (it's raining men), followed by mine (under the bridge), followed by rosette's (hey jude). it was awesome. i am so very proud of these people i sing with, and so glad they're my friends.

we got mad compliments, too. today someone came up to me while i was in line for the second show and said, "you guys really shouldn't have started the show yesterday. you oughta be in the middle of today." it made me smile real big.

lots of potential locked up in all of us... what's it gonna take to unleash it to the world?

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friday was great. in fact it was one of the most fun fridays i've ever had, and it included work and writing and more writing.

there was also a great time spent with my little bears, cindy and ben, who finally got to meet each other for the first time after i told them way too much about each other already (her: he's from out of state? he's better than us!; him: she looks totally cool, i'm gonna facebook her). it was great. we had indian food and coffee. it was a buffet. good times.

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it makes me want to not leave but i think i have to. i don't want to stay in this place any longer than i really do. if need be i'll stay here another year, maybe, tide myself over and pad my savings account, but berkeley is a place where i feel i've given all of myself but surely not felt the same.

i've made tons of friends who have urged on my staying here, and it's not helping since they're all buoyed by the fact that the past three years have been so memorable and eventful that another semester or year would be just as, if not even more, amazing. but is it right for me? i have this gut feeling that it's an in-betweener place. berkeley's 100,000 residents don't count students. and maybe for good reason.

it's a great place to experience college but it's not the best place to find out you're growing up and growing up fast.

it's tough to swallow the fact that i'm departing yet three years from now i'll have a class of people who know who i am. simply the fact that they have the chance to make all the mistakes i never did makes me so jealous of their circumstance. if they only knew how much i would give up to do that... alas, like everything in life, time can't go backwards, and you have to take what you can get.

it's that same thing i said about being in the band: we end up having to make do than we actually get to do.

and for now, making do seems okay.

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i've been so tired recently. i have no idea why.

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recently, miguel's diet has consisted of peanut butter, rice, chili sauce, and various sundries. (the items mentioned were not consumed together.)

most of it was bought pre-cooked (ie, ordered to go).

this saddens him deeply as he feels he ought to be using his mad cooking skillz more instead of buying his food from thai noodle for the umpteenth time in the week.

this saddens him very, very deeply.

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whoever invented juice is a genius. seriously though. think about it.

i was all kinds of hot

2005-10-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

best spruce house party EVER.

i have around 90 pictures of people going nuts. it's hilarious. everyone had some pretty creative costumes (north spruce track and field!) and i have to say, the fanta girls and the giant loofah all added to the ambience. (i myself went as a fratboy -- appropriately enough there was a girls gone wild camera crew as well as a few girls going wild... hehehe.)

pre-partied with ben and sam, ie. finishing a bottle of jagermeister by ourselves and then downing our respective six-packs at spruce. ben was the priest, sam was the jew, and i was the sinner.

oh man. glory of glories. and since they were both too tired/wasted/tiredwasted they slept over, which really just means mcdonald's in the morning and more hanging out in the end.

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wet hot american summer is a great movie. have i told you this before?

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the AiR show went great! but before that, we had all gone to the city to go sing for the tenderloin child care center, this day care for underprivileged families. it was so great, these kids were so cute. and after the set we all piled into the elevator and next thing you know, we're stuck.

we got stuck in an elevator in the tenderloin.

HILARITY. we were giving each other high-fives and "i've never been stuck in an elevator before!" was the chorus of the moment. jooho looked at us and stated scorning us. until we all realized that we had to be at the show in about a half hour. then it turned into the waiting game.

jooho finally said, "see? this is nothing to be that excited over."

he was right, after all. so we booked it to berkeley, made it JUST IN TIME for our show, and gorged ourselves on smart alec's.

the halloween show was very well received. i had a blast performing for the first time. and it's true; you really can't see jack when you're standing on stage.

so excited for west coast!

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so i'm set to sing for the west coast show (under the bridge what what), and it's a big deal since they had so many other songs to choose from. why my solo? i dunno. hopefully becuse it sounds good.

you all should go. it's a guaranteed sell out crowd, so buy tickets here!

we're performing on friday, but both shows are freaking awesome.

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so glad that there's no band this week.

self-gratification

2005-10-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

dude, this is awesome. watch me sing. (get quicktime to view it.)

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that little clip made me want to make a movie, and you know what? i'm not the kind of person who just dreams big, i actually want to make this happen.

i want to make a documentary of AiR going to divisionals and witnessing either the glory of victory or the agony of defeat. in there there's character exposition, you know, hopes and dreams and expectations, the muckymuck of rehearsal, the excitement of being on tour and doing gigs, toughing out choreography... it's collegiate a cappella at its best and its worst. and we fucking LOVE IT.

we are, of course, going to need much help... first off, someone who preferably has movie editing software, camera equipment, and the computing power needed to deliver a full-length documentary. (any sponsors out there wanna help out?)

we want YOU!

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sigh. i'm going to miss this place. after dinner with the first years and a long conversation back home with daisuke, i realized that yeah, despite the jadedness, despite all this seeming bullshit of a last year, it's ending, and it's ending fast. and i'm taking away some of the best moments of my life, some of the worst, and a little bit of everyone else because i've grown up thanks to them.

yeah, self-actualization is one thing, society's another, and the future is scary. i know this. and nothing makes me smile bigger.

better dayz

2005-10-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

go bears! finally, we're bowl-eligible.

now let's show the rest of the country we don't suck.

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i absolutely heart my little bear.

over the weekend it was supreme silliness staring with saturday afternoon's "lachaim, motherfuckers!" to sunday evening, culminating with a concert in san francisco. we saw smooch, the grates, and the go! team, and all of them were pretty good, but it was one of those the whole-was-better-than-the-sum-of-its-parts deals.

i adore acts with accents. (australian for the grates', and british for the go! team.) i near died in between songs whenever they'd talk to us. but i left slim's with a giant smile on my face, something that rarely happens in concert venues like that.

plus hanging out with the kid ain't so bad. he's a geek. i'm a geek. together we are captain planet.

i'm jealous of him, too. he's got three more years of everything left, and here i am down to two months.

you're awesome, ben.

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speaking of little bears, where has cindy gone?

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seeing jay, my proverbial little brother, was the perfect cap to the perfect weekend. seeing everyone ecstatic about the win, hearing about how he had a blast up at cal, and feeling somewhat sentimental for daisuke and toby made it that much better.

to the well wishes and good nature.

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and it's off to momo's i go. who knew i'd enjoy these kinds of perks for a job i don't get paid for?

ex-comm, you guys are awesome. i fucking love all of you.

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it bears repeating:

"lachaim, motherfuckers!"

there's a first time for everything

2005-10-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

losing to osu at home hurt.

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getting drunk at around 6pm hurt.

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getting mugged around 11pm really hurt.

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i filed a police report, did four shooters in a row, and sauntered home at 11.30 (in no particular order) all yesterday, on top of enduring a shitty bear ball game, lack of sleep, and dehydration.

being sore is the least of my worries.

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hope you had a happy birthday, david!

thank god

2005-10-14T01:04:00.000-07:00

it's friday!

) ) < > ( (

2005-10-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

i appreciate the fact that cindy always manages to say hi to me on sproul.

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yeah, we lost. but big deal, we're still awesome. as the one kid at ucla put it, "it's okay; at least you guys are still smarter." ain't that the truth.

i promised the trip wasn't going to suck, and it didn't -- it went actually very smoothly and pretty much scot-free, and of course, like every good bus ride should, was scandalous and incriminating as bill clinton's semen on monica lewinsky's blue dress.

and you know what? i actually would have preferred it this way. going 0-for-4 at la seems to be a good record for the fourth years. at least we know that we're going ot have four winning seasons, and really, that's enough for me.

there's been a lot of ups and downs in cal football, but the one thing you can always count on is the very fact that next week, we're going to put out our best effort and we're going to kick ass, whether we win or lose.

go motherfucking bears. it's still a little mind-boggling that there's people like marshawn lynch and justin forsett who are my age and are going to kick just so much ass.

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everyone's getting sick. at least they didn't have any shitty lung infections.

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singing is so much fun. i can't say that enough. every monday, i have a great feeling that no matter what we do, people will applaud, and they'll like us because we actually sound good and are at the least entertaining. it's nice to see that there's a crowd of people out there, most of whom i don't know, that have smiles on their faces as our voices hit their ears.

the paydirt is when the smiles get bigger, or even better, laughter echoes around our group and more people end up coming to sather gate because they like what they hear and see that we're actually having fun despite the heat and the antics.

but we can be so much better. the potential's there for us to be quite amazing, but we're all too damn busy with lives and having fun that we tend to lose focus.

either way, being an artist in resonance is one of the most memorable experiences i've ever had, not only because of the friends i've made and the bonds i've established, but the music that will stay with me forever and the fact that a ragtag group of voices can come together and have a presence on campus.

i heart AiR!

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i'm pretty sure i'm over being in the band. i love those kids, but i'm pretty sure after the season ends i'll be staying away as far as possible from brh and just coming in when absolutely necessary.

yeah, i'm over it.

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i need a break. and when i'm all re-energized, i'll re-learn flash and redesign a website or three.

sigh. nap. then work.

sigh.

franz, la, and oh yeah, sanity

2005-10-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

i'll catch you on the flip side. i'm going to be in los angeles for the next two days, so if you want to hit me up, call me. (that means you, nate, and you too, carie!)

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franz ferdinand rocked the bill graham civic center auditorium so much, we eneded up listening to them on the way back. after having listened to them and rocked out to them the previous two hours. all while alex kapranos' sultry, melodic voice pounded in our ears.

and we wanted more.

i was expecting a lot less, but the support bands (cut copy and tv on the radio) were awesome, and the show was just mind-blowingly amazing. beer was on hand, after of course consuming dinner (ie, two martinis and some cheesecake) with sam, ngoc, ben, and susan.

i'm partially deaf, and my legs are all tingly from jumping up and down and dancing for a few hours, but guess what -- i'm still listening to franz, even though my eyes want to close and i have to be up in about five hours to regulate.

i fucking love it. can't get enough of it. and goddamn, how can you not when it's just so good?

(by the way, pics from the show are up. go check them out -- link on the right sidebar.)

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la roadtrip is not going to suck, i promise.

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and then when we get back on sunday i'm going to be pased out until of course i have to wake up again for rehearsal and sing my ass off for the next day's concert.

sigh. so it goes.

oh simple things, where have you gone

2005-10-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

go bears, 5-0. best start for the bears since we were coached by mariucci.

looking forward to some ucla butt-kicking next week.

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can't believe the l.a. roadtrip is this friday. yeesh. time goes by fast!

and then there's the sproul steps photo to plan, and then the next thing you know it's time for big game and the end-of-the-year banquet.

and then i'm done!

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it was so nice to see a whole bunch of people yesterday, from susan (we're totally hanging out on thursday in the city) to will (i promise i never didn't like you!) to jeremy (aww, jeremy.) and jaymee (i totally miss you jaymee!), it was a good energy there in the stadium and hanging out afterwards. it makes it even more clear that the friendships you make now do end up lasting forever, like it or not. and some of these people will hold grudges for the rest of their life. but what can you do, right?

sigh. makes me wonder what i'm gonna do when i'm a few years older, sitting in the q's with the rest of the "young alumni" on the other side of the student section. maybe i'll buy my little bear a coke, or bring the phonez some food, but i think i'm looking forward to getting to sit down at halftime and seeing people perform the shit out of that field.

cal band great.

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so nice to hear and see the student reaction to the crowd. they were yelling "turtle power!" and singing along to family guy... couldn't have asked for a better crowd response.

and then we shut out the state of arizona for the second year in a row.

i fucking love coach tedford.

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homecoming was insanity. working for eight hours was great, but the best part was the 40th anniversary celebration of visitor services. rachel and i sang with our group in front of the other tour guides, and we got to schmooze it up with chancellor birgeneau for a little bit. the food was great, and it was nice to see a lot of people there. it was awesome.

and then there were homecoming events and rallies going on everywhere on campus, so we ended up playing for the class of 1950 in hearst memorial mining building. old people crying is always the sight that tugs at the heartstrings. when you see an old blue cry while they're singing sons of california, you know they mean it.

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partying is still sheer awesomeness. my liver probably hates me, but you know. do what you can when you can.

TH was a blast. scandal after scandal, people grabbing other people's people parts, and some good old-fashioned partying. thank goodness the music was good. though i do have to say the tiramisu in the kitchen was better.

sigh. i'm out like michael jacksons dick around eight year olds. rehearsal beckons.

hurts so good

2005-09-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

parece que una de las cosas tan interesantes sobre tratar de sobrevivir en un medio ambiente como la universidad es que no puede evitar otras personas en suiciar su nombre. cualquier ventaje, cosa buena... no importa. es mas fácil ignorarlas que refutarlas; a mí no me importa porque en efectar la vida total, son insignificantes y no tienen nada más que hacer que parecerme o inutil o alguien que trata de aprovecharse a otros.

me aprecio de que tengo unos amigos quien son inteligentes y elegantes, y sé que si estoy actuando algo estúpido, me van a tirar por la cabeza y me dicen que estoy estando estúpido.

y la vida va y viene.

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fuck lung infections. and fuck coughing blood. that shit's not cool. NOT COOL.

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looking for a job around the city of berkeley is difficult. craigslist's is so limited, and so is the career center... it's so crazy!

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can't wait for franz ferdinand next week. new album on tuesday; san francisco concert on thursday. this ought to be the bestest times ever. (although i think this entails trying to find some mj before going into the concert... either that or bring the flask, i guess.)

that single is so addicting, but according to the rolling stone, the new album's pretty badass, too. i'm so excited. and even more excited that the prospect of getting to spend the day in the city with awesome people.

have you ever heard a song you just can't stop listening to? it's like that.

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it seems silly to think about now, but when it's all over, what happens?

after graduation, there's people's weddings to attend, and hanging out with people outside of the city of berkeley, and attending gallery openings and catching up with high school friends and trying to survive on a paycheck by paycheck basis.

it gets exponentially scarier, and it gets more and more fantastic. getting recruited by the cia was cool, but is it worth it?

never ever though i'd ask myself that question, but you know, love your country and all that bullshit. if you love it so much why don't you marry it? well, if the united states were male, i can't.

there in lies the rub. i'm so disillusioned with everything that's happened, from 9/11 to madrid to london, to hurricane katrina and the tsunami. but what bothers me more is the response, the shit that's happened, and the way society's missing the big issue. yes, i understand that we have to talk about intelligent design and we have to talk about gay marriage and abortion, but do we have the resources to do so when the war's still killing kids younger than i am? do we have the resources to do so when you're worrying about gas prices skyrocketing because of fuel shortages? do you have resources when your president has to fucking pull himself out of vacation just to "help" the hurricane victims?

i'm just very frustrated. i'm proud to be an american, no doubt, but when the country acts like apeshit and the most competent people in the room aren't even americans, something's wrong. anderson cooper made a good point about this not looking like america. and kanye west, too. he said what everyone else was thinking.

to put it all in scope, in ten years, in fifteen years, will what i did matter? will playing in a band and getting up ass early every saturday morning count for world change? will my singing at sather gate end world hunger, relieve poverty, and cure aids? no. but i can sure damn try.

in ten years, in fifteen years, will the friends i've made be there for me?

call it insecurity, call it what you will; a lot of things have happened that have made me seriously doubt everything that's going on. but i guess i have a knack for avoiding the inevitable; like stephanie said, i have this "gift" that i don't care about what anyone else thinks because i just don't give a shit.

and i don't, which is fantastically liberating, but when i start thinking about shit, it starts to get me. and it hurts, and it boggles my mind, because i know i don't deserve half the good things that have happened.

and you know why? cos i am the biggest dick you will ever get to know.

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you realize what hold others have on you when you start to give in, when you think so desperately of what so-and-so is going to think of you if you do such-and-such, or if they'll start judging you when they find out you listen to so-and-so or watch such-and-such.

this is why i don't care.

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i am so very lucky to know beautiful people, both superficially and on the inside. y'all know who you are. and if you're second-guessing yourself, then consider yourself part of the beautiful crowd.

you guys are awesome.

plop plop fizz fizz

2005-09-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

go bears, 4-0. we're awesome.

the night of the game a bunch of us decided to converge at the bear's lair, and the atmosphere was fantastic. game night friday (a bit of a rarity when it comes to cal football) was quite the experience. sam ended up buying the kids pitchers and pitchers of golden goodness, and then there was the gallon bought by ben, and much celebration in the first two minutes of the game (yay touchdowns!).

around halftime we decided to head over to jdlp's, and the sticky-icky-icky just kept on happening. it felt like being stuck in a time warp; the game ended rather early so we decided to watch wizard of oz with pink floyd. and after all that it was really only eleven thirty, so we went and got thai food.

thai food is so good when you're stoned.

and then we passed out, and woke up to the most gorgeous saturday morning ever.

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four days of drinking, smoking, and general debauchery. can the last semester get any better?

apparently so: there's been an explosion of people who want to get back together, and i'm picking up the pieces by trying to figure out how everything ought to work out.

a lesson learned, however, is to just not mix alcohol with marijuana. the "drunk dial" becomes pretty incomprehensible.

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i absolutely hate allergies.

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i realize i am very blessed to have been surrounded with people i like, people who think like i do, and people i just plain get along with. not to sound selfish -- i mean i'm not the most fantastic person ever -- but this past year, especially, i've been grounded by these people, friends, family or otherwise.

you're all awesome. and i don't deserve it.

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i absolutely heart AiR.

hawaiian punch is tasty

2005-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

death cab for cutie rox0rz my box0rz.

so does the new single from franz ferdinand, "do you want to," because it's just awesome.

i heart itunes.

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i just realized a couple of days ago that all those magazine subscriptions i signed up for like a month and a half ago are all starting to finally pour in; jst the other day there were two (TWO!) rolling stone magazines in my mailbox, followed by a print mag, and an issue of gq.

there was one point in time when i thought mad magazine was funny, and it is kinda, but now it just seems silly and boorish.

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i've heard from a couple people that the only reason they go to or that they link to my blog is due to the fact that i link to everyone else they know. i think that's a little sad. but i guess they won't read this, so go bears.

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did you see the article in cyberbears about the pushups? amazing. and i thought that mike man was useless. wait, he still is.

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singing is great. the kids in AiR are awesome, and we get along real well with each other.

and hey, none of them are fat. go bears.

there is such a thing as good tired

2005-09-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

go bears! 3-0!

so we were playing the university of illinois fighting illini (creaive and politically correct, i know) and they had thi habit, of course, that whenever they scored points their cheerleaders would do pushups. however it seemed disrespectful to the cal fans since they were doing pushups on the endzone that marked "golden bears" -- making it seem like they were metaphorically screwing us.

therefore in response, as soon as we regained the lead, a select few of us decided to run over to the endzone and do pushups (in cal band uniform, no less). the stadium erupted and began counting along, and that was one of the bestest adrenaline rushes anyone could ever experience.

people began talking about it online after the game, which made it that much sweeter, but it was still the experience that made it seem so awesome. cal fans can be really loud when they want to be.

good game, good game.

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i've had a total of twelve hours of sleep since thursday night, so bear with me if i seem lethargic or if it seems that every time i sit down i want to fall asleep (it's mainly because i probably do). i'm sore, i'm exhausted, and i'm at that point in time when everything seems to just click and fall in place and everything's going to work itself out.

i had two giant cups of coffee and a tall glass of coke, so if you see me today, i might be pretty loopy. i need it.

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thursday was delirium because of craziness in the morning, planning the largest fundraiser i have spent my time on, followed by an afternoon of finishing up event logistics followed by a three-hour singing rehearsal followed by a ridiculous bonding with the phonez and the trombones (and my little bear!).

and then friday rolled around when i had work in the morning, a noon cncert, event set-up, and then the fundraiser. i got back home, cleaned up the house, and basically passed out because of exhaustion and alcohol.

then saturday came and i had early morning practice, followed by chill hours with ben and terza, and then the football game. i hauled my ass back home to take a shower and then headed to danville for our retreat, which consisted of insane amounts of alcohol, cosmic bowling, drinking games, and mafia.

i got back to berkeley exhausted, but go figure that we have another rehearsal sunday evening in order to kick some more ass monday afternoon on sproul. (watch me!)

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just bought tickets to franz ferdinand on october 6. guess who's missing rehearsal that evening!

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the english language needs to have a separate word for "contented sigh." this weekend desrves one of those.

gmfb

2005-09-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

56-17 on saturday against the huskies at seattle.

can we say most points scored ever by an opponent at husky stadium?

can we say, 'go motherfucking bears we're 2-0'?

GO MOTHERFUCKING BEARS WE'RE 2-0!

-----

for the first time in years it felt good to be out there singing again. i did my first-ever sproul today, met with a spectacularly large audience (especially for AiR!) and a great crowd response. familiar faces and big smiles helped out a lot, and i thank everyone who was able to make it. not like there's not going to be any more, so really al i'm saying is grab a bite to eat and watch us sing on sproul. it'll be a nice change of pace in lieu of class.

from everyone's comments we sounded awesome for a first sproul. i can't wait to see and hear what this group can do with time.

-----

my favoritest boss at work turned in her resignation, and her last day is thursday.

the last staff meeting on friday made me fight back tears and when she was reading the card i read to her i could see her getting misty and i couldn't help but shed one tear.

i'm going to miss her so much. she's been an inspiration and a rock for us, and i don't know what i'm going to do with the other guy as our tour coordinator.

kick some ass, doctor pamelaia!

-----

for about an hour last night i found myself in the nasty habit of checking email every five minutes then rotating to blog-checking every ten. cnn.com was open in another window and so really it was an hour of hitting the refresh button or links to people's blogs that haven't been updated -- some in days, the others, months.

i lead a very sad and not-so-fulfilling life on sunday evenings, save for singing rehearsals.

-----

so much scandal going on with this hurricane katrina relief effort. chertoff's basically screwed if another disaster happens in-house (yay diverting troops to iraq!); fema's director brown resigned; and oh yeah, there's president douchebag too (anyone see the family guy movie yet? more on that later).

there's dead bodies everywhere in new orleans, and many pets dying because their owners were forced to leave them behind.

there are so many displaced people that it's going to take longer than a while when it comes to getting back to normal in new orleans.

and not just there -- there are so many other towns literally swept off the map because of the disaster, and there's barely anything they could do in order to go back to normalcy.

-----

four years ago onsunday there was that thing that's called 9/11 and it happened while i was a senior in high school. it was tuesday morning. in lieu of learning spanish we were glued to the tv set and we got sent home.

four years after the fact, after just having been there, i lost three friends, nights of sleep, and a bit of my sanity.

but four years later, i find myself stronger, appreciative, and grateful.

to those who suffered and those who still do. your loss should not be in vain, and should not be for gain.

rip liam, robin, and meredith. i miss you all so much.

-----

you have to make time. time doesn't make itself.

-----

family guy movie very recently downloaded. it's cute, and it has some good laughs. some very predictable moments, but thre are a few zingers that will get you. and i mean that.

stewie griffin is the best character ever created.

-----

so many puppies today!

things to note as of recently

2005-09-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

so everyone was making a big fuss about new orleans (and they should), but what about all those other little towns and parishes that were destroyed but haven't heard jack shit from fema?

-----

crosswords are great, but don't get me wrong, the daily cl crossword is still the easiest and shittiest piece of crosswording shit out there.

go for the new york times.

-----

john roberts looks like a douchebag. if this guy's going to be chief supreme court justice, he better fucking know who he's dealing with. bader-ginsberg can be such a bitch.

-----

i thoroughly enjoyed kanye west's lambaste of the president (i think his exact words were "george w. bush hates black people."), but the man makes good points. how come when they show black people on tv it's "looting" but when white people do it they're "searching for food"? double standards.

funny how after forty years past the civil rights movement, america is still just as ignorant. women still aren't getting paid equal salaries, racial and ethnic minorities still don't have parity, and same-sex relationships don't hold up to the law. where the fuck did the validity of "all men are created equal" come from?

i fucking love and hate this country so much at the same time. it's one of the few places where you can make fun of your government and get a slap on the wrist, but you can still watch "friends" reruns two hours later.

it's just like christianity: nothing's wrong with the concept except for the people who interpret it.

-----

drinking in the afternoon is great. drinking at one of the best college sports bars is great. and drinking until everyone around you is happy, hot, and huggable is even better.

-----

times when you can just hang out and shit around with some good friends and good stories are so precious. it never really felt like it before but now after three years it all seems to come crashing down. you cherish these moments more simply because it all seems so tenuous; it's still hard to imagine that a lot of these people i will probably still hang out with when i'm all old. except for david; he never gets old.

-----

television is worth watching for a few shows, and tha's it. save for pbs, don't trust your local channel. and goddamn, get cable.

-----

slight, awkward realization: is this what normal people do? this weekend seems to be so empty and ready to be pillaged. i'm not going to seattle for the game (i wish i could!) but that really just leaves me with a lot of time on my hands this weekend.

it kinda sucks though since all the people i hang out with are on that trip.

-----

beer, wine or liquor? of all three i had yesterday, beer was the most satisfying, wine was the one that calmed me down, and liquor was just fun.

i guess it's a three-way-tie.

-----

anyone see any good movies lately? the last one i saw was "the 40-year old virgin." laughs abounded.

-----

do not, i repeat, do not try to do a cappella while just a bit buzzed. it's ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d.

saving it for later

2005-09-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

i've wanted to talk about so many things, but as soon as i start something new just keeps on popping up and i can't help but wait for it again.

-----

hurricane katrina was devastating. if you look at it all with some perspective, you realize that this city was so culturally and historically rich that to be ignored as such was a major slap in the face.

ill-preparedness and ignorance didn't help out any bits, either, but the volunteerism response is amazing and it's kind of nice to see that side of america every once in a while. it's a wonder why it takes a category 4 hurricane to bring americans together.

-----

every year i've waxed poetic on silent walk, but this year, when i was able to go on it again, it really did hit that this was a bit of a special occasion. newman year, it all seemed so awe-inspiring (let alone weird), but now, shifting things after four years of band and school, everything goes back into that perspective. you're charged with these things because you're part of something so much bigger, and probably omething bigger than you might even imagine.

joining the band then and eventually planning the walk now made it that much more special, seeing the looks on the newmen's faces, tired, glazed over, yet holding on to whatever they could muster in terms of energy and attention, trying to really get enraptured and captivated by such an event.

you hear people gasp and feel their hearts skip a beat when they hear the bells toll, when they hear voices in harmony, and when they see at first just a darkened stadium with the scoreboard only to reveal the entire membership right there witnessing their formal induction.

you see the largest smiles on people's faces when you tell them congratulations, and you feel a great sense of pride and urgency when you pin someone into membership. it feels even better when they hug you right back and tell you thanks in your ear. and it feels the best when you have a great time with your little bear and hang out with good friends you know you'll keep for life.

little bear, you're awesome. you're a good kid.

and congratulations, class of 2005, and welcome. i love you all.

-----

today i had my first intense rehearsal with AiR! and it was glorious. singing never felt like so much fun.

watch out for us on september 12th -- i promise you , we'll rock your socks off. maybe even your sweatshirts if the weather permits, but i promise you, it'll be fun.

to new friends, new harmonies, and new antics for the coming semester.

-----

one of my best friends left for china this saturday, and i know he's on the other side of the world now, but it hasn't really hit that i won't be able to surprise him at ucla nor would i be able to just drunk dial the kid any night i wanted.

this is a strange, strange feeling.

it makes me want to think about all the other times i would see these best friends of mine. soon (and i'm betting sooner than later) one of us will be getting married and more of us moving, but the fact of the matter is, i think -- and i'm being entirely optimistic here -- that we're all going to grow up together, and no matter how far apart we are or how crazy things get, we all want that feeling of everyone being there, of their being part in something so momentous.

so the moral of the story is, tell your friends that they're essentially family anyway, and that they better show up to the next birthday party, whosever it may be.

-----

go bears. we're 1-0.

bananas, that's what

2005-08-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

crazy end to a crazy week? i think so.

it started off with my turning 21 at davis, but it didn't really hit me much until everyone started calling and leaving me emails and stuff. it felt tingly. and not like the tingly when your leg starts to fall asleep because you've been sitting too long; more like the tingly that happens after a good 30-second session with listerine.

the whole week was mired by heart complications and other hullaballoo (read: norcal party and silent walk planning), but for the most part, i regained my sleep cycle, i've been drunk for four out of five nights, and have made a ton of new albeit young friends to keep for the rest of my lifetime. and of the friends i already had, we made a lot of good memories, some of which are captured forever in digital format, and strengthened our bonds in that way that you would probably invite these people to family events.

so what does it feel like being 21? i was hoping to come up with a profound, optimistic answer, but the best i can come up with is that i have to start paying my bills, establish a credit line, and be the good friend to buy all my other good friends alcohol. i noticed that i type a little faster, that my joints get sore quicker, that my patience is getting more and more tested, that social skills are second nature now, that i can actually cook a decent meal for myself, and that i am so responsible for everything else that happens forever.

not that it feels like a huge burden on my shoulders (it's not), but you know that sinking feeling like right before graduation or right before you have to get up and speak before a huge crowd and the pit of your stomach just goes nuts? like that times fifteen to the sixtieth power.

it feels like you're so old, especially since i've been in this place for close to four years, and i know where everything and everywhere is, but at the same time i feel like a naive little bitch who didn't do much with his life save for join band and speak four languages. some kid in switzerland could kick my ass if he learned an instrument. i don't feel too young, since some of my best friends are 17, but i feel kind of old too since the average age of everyone i hang out with would probably be closer to 25 than 21.

leave it to america to glamorize a shitty age to turn. now what can i do? pay my taxes, gamble all my money in vegas, and rent enterprise cars. i've been drinking since forever, and buying a lottery ticket is the closest thing i'll probably ever do to gambling -- unless you're talking about gambling with your life, then skydiving doesn't count. twenty-one is a step closer to being twenty-two. which, according to jessica simpson, is almost mid-twenties. (keen girl, her.)

since i've turned 21 i've noticed that things can be just as tenuous as they began, that friendships and relationships do change no matter how much you want to think that they don't. i've noticed people get older, and i've noticed people grow into themselves into bigger, if not better, things.

it really still hasn't hit me, but i'm sure one day while strolling around campus i'll be dumbstruck mid-conversation and it'll all come crashing down like a pile of bricks. bricks made out of goosedown, honey, and teddy bears. in all likelihood i'll have a smile on my face but i'm crying on the inside, blaming everyone and everything i see for what it is i know i can't explain.

so i guess, here's to being 21, because that shit is bananas.

pictures at the jump.

-----

the past week itself was full of interesting (mis)adventures, ranging from losing my voice on the bus ride back to davis, heart palpitations on monday (which continue until thursday, mind you), puking my guts out and going to the cardiologist's on tuesday, meeting my little bear and finding out that we're both really awesome people ("i'm glad they paired me up with a good one," he said), catching up with friends on thursday, and partying my ass off on friday.

somewhere in there i learned a show for the band, gave a few tours for work, regained my voice, and got internet at my new apartment, hence the long-ish update, not that anyone's really reading this, but go bears. whatever.

two words, kids: miguel's BUSY.

-----

nerding out on reno 911! second season dvd was a perfect birthday present.

also on the present list was a laundry hamper, a porcelain dog statue, and a magazine subscription.

it's one of those times when you feel old and not old at the same time.

but seriously though, i have the bestest little bear ever.

yay

2005-08-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

i turned 21 yesterday.

thanks to all of you who wished me a happy birthday.

don't feel so bad if you didn't. you don't need to.

and the madness continues. go bears!

oh WHAT

2005-08-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

madness in t-minus four days and counting.

then you won't see me for like a week and then it's going to be nuts.

what did i get myself into?

no wonder the earth looks sad today

2005-08-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

this was the front page on cnn.com this morning.

look outside the window. here in berkeley, it feels like every disgusting fall morning: gray, dreary, cold, and somewhat damp. it's foggy; the cars are awful loud, and everyone on the streets seems particularly quiet, despite the usual earphones-in, noise out.

Kevin is awesome.

the earth looks so sad today.

peter jennings was 67. he died of lung cancer.

personally, he was my favorite; sam donaldson was too highbrow (not to mention that wig!), walter cronkite was -- well, he was mentioned in zoolander, and tom brokaw reminded me too much of an overgrown six-year old (kinda like alec stewart). peter jenning was all to real, you know -- he typed with just his index fingers, and he typed fast! -- and it really is sad to come home from grocery shopping to find out on the news that he passed away.

he didn't have any annoying speech impediments (ahem, barbara walters, or should i say, bawbawa wawtews), and he was actually nice! he cared about the news, which is really what i admired most.

he didn't graduate high school, but even still, that made him strive to be better and one of the leadig resources that the people could utilize.

sigh. peter jennings, wherever you are, you're already in a better place.

america's media credibility just dropped like 400 points.

casting call!

2005-08-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

i'm in need of a few hands, here:

- script writers
- multimedia geniuses (ie, website builders)
- people with ipods
- people with ipods and griffin italk voice recorders

why? it's a project of mine that i think would be really cool to start up.

take the concept of podcasting, right. it's a medium you can take on your own leisure, you can go listen to it anytime you want. but i've got an even better idea, stemming of course from being an avid ipod geek and a campus tour guide: guided audio tours you can download of specific places, ones that you can cater toward something of interest. (i know this is already in progress, but think about it: you have things running in your mind during a visit to sfmoma, why not express them out loud onto your ipod? then of course, there's a spin on it -- yay for subjectivity!)

it would be fairly useful and practical for a campus tour, or a tour of a city you just don't know about. the travel books may say stuff, but can you really trust those things? you can pod your experiences and tell people whether or not chez panisse is really worth it (and by experience, yes, it is), or if the japanese tea garden is a good place to visit (i would suggest the bison paddock).

interested? let's start our own company.

and companies can start hiring us to do these things! how cool is that!

aight. out of my delusions of grandeur, and back to reality.

anyone else think this guy is stupid?

2005-08-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

these are the two people who i would most like to watch duke it out in a spelling bee.

-----

"mr. bolton, could you please spell internacine? how about transnational? no? what do you mean those words don't exist in your vocabulary? you mean to tell me you derided the united nations publicly, yet you're named the u.s. ambassador to that fine organization?"

"yes."

"bullshit!"

"bullshit. b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t. bullshit."

[ding]

"sigh. we move on to george w. bush."

-----

"mr. bush, your word is potato."

"could you use it in a sentence?"

"johnny and martha ate a potato after baking it."

"potato. could i have the word's origin?"

"spanish, by way of quechua and taino."

"potato. p-aaaaaaaaooooo... t... potato... a... t... o."

"that is--"

"e. p-o-t-a-t-o-e. potato. like uncle dan said."

"--incorrect, mr. president."

"i will launch a global struggle on violent extremism on you. jihadist. you probably endorse gay marriage which ruins the sanctity of that sacrament. and stem cell research. because god hates people like michael j. fox, ronald reagan, and pope john paul ii."

"i won't even go into that, mr. president."

"terrorist."

-----

every little ounce of energy that i had yesterday was spent moving. my entire body is sore, my legs and arms expecially, and all that's left to do is figure out the layout of the house so we can arrange our furniture.

come visit. our house needs some warming. email me for the address, or hell, call!

-----

two movies i want to see: dukes of hazzard which is probably going to be not that good, but i really just want to see that part that they showed in the trailer where seann william scott goes, "let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"; and sky high, because it looks so bad. and you know me with my penchant for bad movies.

sigh. when the day's done i just keep on moving. literally.

i say potato

2005-07-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

someone left me a hilariously cryptic message this sunday. my phone didn't list who had called since i was in the transbay tube when they called, but as soon as i was above ground, i saw that someone had left me a message. it went,

"i say potato, you say potato,
i say potato, you say potato,
potato, potato, potato, potato,
let's call the whole thing off."

that was it. no name, not even a hello. and i've tried asking people if they knew anything about the incident, but so far, i think it's isolated.

if you know anything about it, would you let me know? i think the mystery's part of it all, but that shit was hilarious.

-----

for the past few days now, if i wasn't giving a tour or working in the visitor center or working sather tower, i would be home boxing things up for this glorious move of mine that's happening on sunday (read: tomorrow!). i'm moving basically to david's old place, across the hall. only thing is though, we need to get lamps.

so yes, goodbye studio on the west side, hello one block away from campus. it's gross, really. i can just roll out of bed and be at work.

sigh. there's always that sense of nostalgia when you move, you know? but for this one, i'm particularly happy. good things are happening.

now i really do just need to find another job. here's hoping of hearing from someone within the next week or so. (anyone out there know of any openings on campus? or hell, i'll even do retail!)

-----

football season! in approximately 34 days!

turning 21 in approximately 22 days!

moving in about 2 days!

oh my jesus i can't wait for the next year to start!

go bears!

filipinos are silly people

2005-07-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

i just beat my personal best record on text twist: my highest score now stands at 676,830. (yes, that's six figures, and well over a few hours.)

i'll post pictures later.

and as for finding a new place, i'll be moving at the end of the week to the new apartment. i absolutely hate having to find a new place to live, and i am so thankful that it's all over.

-----
as for more mob rule, the philippines is going under yet again.

i don't think the filipinos quite understand what is people power. the distinct difference is a revolution for change, versus mob rule because they're not getting what they're want. despite having eleven of gloria macapagal-arroyo's cabinet members turn on her, she's got the support of thousands more loyalists and the catholic church. the military's always the neutral swing vote, but they're really just the ones who wait it out and see what the hell is going to happen. then they choose a course of action that's probably more crucial than the others, and then it's "people power" all over again because they've ousted such a nasty regime leader. right?

well, not really. arroyo's actually one of the leading legislators in the philippines with an emphasis for change -- women's rights, agriculture and the environment, better business, and most importantly, social development -- just look at her track record regarding these things, and she's done a stellar job.

she got inaugurated because of the people ousting another "horrible regime leader," joseph estrada. he was an actor who didn't have any credentials, save for the fact that he was one of the "common men" -- he represented the filipino who could do anything and everything, because he was the everyman. up until, of course, people found out that he was basically siphoning money out of the economy into his private gambling dealings.

but what of macapagal-arroyo? she's got credentials: her father was the president of the philippines. she went to school in georgetown university. she ended up in the most prestigious school inthe country, the ateneo de manila, and received her ph.d in economics in the university of the philippines. she was professor for a few schools, then went on to become undersecretary for trade and industry, then became senator, and then vice president. she's accused of election fraud and gambling, but she's also introduced the most influential bills in the senate, and actually is on track that the philippines needs a parliamentary system because, well, it works.

the philippine electorate works a lot differently than the us's: the vice president is the presidential candidate that garners the second-most votes, and there's no electoral college. ballots are still mostly hand-checked and hand-counted, which could allow for some election fraud to go on. there is a multi-party system in place, and everyone votes (or at least tries to).

they see arroyo's rise to power as a threat, since she's basically eliminating some of the more prominent legislative jobs with their own pork barrels (those wonderful salaries that let legislators do whatever they want). they're unhappy that she knows what she's doing. really, it all looks like the filipinos are being selfish, and that they're looking lnothing more like ingrates when it comes to this. mob rule, really. mobs led by superstars who probably have no idea what they're talking about. (speaking of which, superstars usually run the government on all levels, from mayoral candidacies, to senatorships, all the way to the presidency, as obvious by estrada's rule.)

now they're saying she cheated, lied, and stole to gain power. they're accusing her of rigging the previous presidential election. but wait. if the numbers can't speak for themselves, then why even have a voting system? she won the most votes, almost double that of her previous competitor. and you can only do so much when it comes to popular elections, right? if the numbers speak for themselves, then why is osmething wrong?

they've since filed to impeach her. come on, guys. she didn't start a war in iraq that was unbased and immoral.

filipinos are spoiled. and if they don't own up soon, they're fucked.

-----

speaking of owning up, anyone watch this show brat camp on abc? some of this stuff is hilarious. the point is that it's trying to be poignant (the premise is nine kids who have uncontrollable behavior going through a camp), but it's the epitome of cheese. sad girly guitar music, kids crying over nothing, and the same old narrator trying to make the show sound more suspenseful than it really is -- a bunch of kids with adults in a desert in oregon.

can't go wrong.

and as for the rest of the entertainment business, harry potter was good (there was so much crying at the end of that book), wedding crashers was good, hustle & flow was good, the island was all right, but i still really want to see dukes of hazzard (mainly because seann william scott was hilarious in the previews -- "let's put another shrimp on the barbie!") even though i know it's probably sub-par, i need to see the beat that my heart skipped, and of course, the edukators.

summer is winding down so fast. oh man. football season.

long live the tower?

2005-07-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

i told you that this guy would take over.

he did it again.

you're my fucking hero.

just because freedom rings doesn't mean we're free

2005-07-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

when you find that something isn't right for you and it's too late, is it your fault, or is it one of those extenuating circumstances that you just have to learn from? do you continue on with your life? do you proclaim it to the world? and should you feel so affected as to cut off all ties?

i feel as if i'm a hippie but was born forty years too late. a big, giant, hypocritical hippie.

-----

how long do you think the senate battle will be for this guy? he already looks like a douchebag. a young, john-edwards-lookalikish, conservative republican asshole.

hopefully he won't push back equality issues like gay rights, women's rights, gender equality, censorship and free speech, and oh yeah, there's the matter of church and state that really ought to be separate in a country that was founded on religious freedom. i mean, those people who settled plymouth rock did so because they wanted to practice their own religion. so why not afford the same chance for everyone who's coming into this country? isn't that the fairest thing to do?

a lot of people, especially our star c student that became our president, tend to forget that. and by the way, the phrase 'nation under God' didn't appear on the pledge of allegiance until 1954, sixty-two years after the pledge was created. (it was to differentiate us from the soviet union, which our country also thought was without morals and needed regime change. only difference was, the soviets imploded, but iraq exploded.) so really, what's the big deal of pulling the ten commandments out of our legal system?

william rehnquist is probably holding off from retiring until he knows we're going to have a democratic president, but that won't happen because everything's wrong with kansas, and middle america doesn't know diddly-squat about what the republican party stands for besides no abortion and gay marriage, which really doesn't concern them directly. because, you know, those gays and dead babies are going to attack any minute now. for real.

somewhere out there, sandra day o'connor is kind of smiling. but more dying inside.

-----

i saw this movie. it was good.

i especially liked johnny depp. a lot of people said he was being too michael jackson-y, but come on. he didn't molest the kids on screen, he didn't make tiles light up as he was walking down the street, he didn't pose with a tiger for an album cover, didn't get his hair caught on fire, didn't film a music video with his sister, and didn't get beat up by his dad.

all in all, i was this close to crying because of laughter and because of freddie highmore, the kid who played charlie. something about him when you watch him. makes you wanna cry.

the set design is amazing in this movie, and i get a little giddy when i examine this stuff close-up. the colors are vibrant, eye-catching. it's nothing short of the colors grabbing you by the neck and forcing you to see them in all their technicolor glory.

and let's not get started with the oompa-loompas. they were awesome.

as a comparison to the old movie, i don't think the comparison stands: gene wilder played willy his way, and johnny depp took it as his own character. at least the charlie in this movie didn't try to sing -- that was painful listening to the old version's grandpa joe and charlie singing "i've got a golden ticket" in a really bad, bad key and flubbing up all over the place.

missi pyle is so good at being mrs. beauregarde.

i gve it three and a half stars out of four. go bears. bring chocolate.

-----

don't you love purge day? when i throw everything away and clean my apartment, i feel really good inside. and i feel really clean outside. it's a win-win situation.

anyone wanna give me a job?

books? what are books?

2005-07-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

so here's the premise, really: five kids get golden tickets by eating chocolate bars, and eventually, someone ends up owning the chocolate factory at the end of it all. sounds kind of silly, i know, but i'm sure you remember the old-school 1970s version of this movie. (did you also know that it was supposed to be a merchandise tie-in and that's why they renamed the old version willy wonka and the chocolate factory instead of its original title, charlie and the chocolate factory? general mills was marketing wonka bars, but something was wrong with the chocolate formula -- it melted in room temperature. so they ended up pulling the bars from production, but the movie ended up lasting longer than the chocolate.)

they said tim burton reworked the ending so that, you know, it's better. and it's not some silly thing where gene wilder somewhat creeps you out when you're a kid; they full-out have johnny depp scaring the bejeezus out of some kids. i myself have watched the previews quite a number of times. thank god they found a girl who could play violet beauregarde not so, well, stupid. and that kid who plays charlie who was in finding neverland? somewhere out there, someone's going to cry.

i'm excited to see it, frankly, because of the oompa loompas.

but this is also why we forget that this was a book in the first place. it was a good book, and like many of roald dahl's awesome books, they make good movies. remember james and the giant peach? how about matilda? those were seriously kick-ass kid's movies, and th books were even better.

speaking of books, there's another one coming out tomorrow that i'm sure you guys have heard the buzz about.

it's that book series with the kid who looks like will rohrer (when will wears his glasses and gets a lightning scar on his forehead). book six, to be precise.

so anyone re-read the first five? i find that this happens a lot with sequential serial releases like this. you have to review you materials. i mean, there was star wars (and who didn't do the whole episode i-vi bit?). to me, there's alias: i always have to watch the dvds in order whenever a new season comes out on dvd. which really means that for a week i'll get hoome from work or school and just watch tv the whole day.

but back to harry potter. i can imagine this one another ridiculously large book that people will be carrying all over the place. (remember when goblet of fire came out and everyone was freaking out about how big the book was, and then they all bought order of the phoenix because it was heavier? yeesh. this one might be the size of a small car.)

after this one, there's only one more book left for the series. unless of course jk rowling decides to leave one of those open-ended closers and leaves the door open to third-party writers to come up with the next harry potter movie.

have a good weekend, y'all.

then take a nap and then fire ze missiles

2005-07-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

this is the reason why the french use the same colors as americans do on their flag: after seeing that the power of revolution by the people worked so well, thirteen years later the french decided that they'd do that too. all while eating cake and beheading marie antoinette.

they stand for liberty, equality, and brotherhood: "liberté, egalité, et fraternité" was apparently what the french were shouting when they stormed the bastille. (which, of course, is celebrated today, and hence the francophilic post.)

the french have gotten a bad rap over the past few years. there's been the raging stereotype that they're all hanging out in front of the eiffel tower wearing those black-and-white striped shirts, black berets covering their heads, smoking, wearing suspenders. half the time they're mimes. and that they're smelly, that their women don't bathe, and that their women don't shave (remember that scene from titanic when leonardo dicaprio just says, 'they were french'?).

and then there was, of course, the notorious "freedom fries" incident -- can they really be blamed after all that was proven ex post facto? i still know a certain person whose name rhymes with "mack juno" who still calls them the, uh, "freedoms."

everyone seems to forget that during world war ii, germany made them sign a contract that said they'd pay germany for occupying their country. they forget that at one point in time, france owned a hell of a lot of the world, in due part to napoleon (and his nephew of the same name); they forget that there was the bloodline linked with jesus christ known as the merovingians (sound familiar yet, you matrix fans?); they forget that without france, the english language would be basically defunct (and that they'd be speaking something that sounds like gibberish -- listen to welsh and gaelic for some of the closest approximations of "real" english).

they forget that france is the seat of culture, of art, of love, of things that america so desperately wants and needs but can't because it's got its head burrowed in a freaking ostrich hole of nuclear weapons and right-wing propaganda. (speak up about karl rove already, BUSH!)

the da vinci code would make no sense. wine and champagne? nothing. and let's not even start with cheese. (by the way, this model is laetitia casta, a really hot french supermodel. check her pits. no hair.) and really, can you laugh and be repulsed by this girl being smelly?

yeah, there will always be that simpson episode where lisa ends up going to the wrong school and all the kids laugh at her en français, but that's part of the bit, right? the whole romanticism with europe, how we'll always have paris, and yes, without the french, we never would have won the american revolution.

so shut up about the french. buy yourself some brie and a baguette, drink some beujolais or some moet-chandon, and rent amelie, moulin rouge, and l'auberge espagnole tonight to watch on your dvd player. cuddle up with your cherie and enjoy some absinthe as a nightcap (if you can find it!), and regail in some good old french magic when you re-read harry potter and the goblet of fire with the girls from beauxbatons.

you'll fall in love with france all over again.

so what if it's excessive

2005-07-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

this came in the mail for me today.

it's so much fun. i got it for the refurbished price of $99, about $40 less than that of what they offer for students.

i know it's only 1 gig of space on the little stick, but that's okay. that means of the ridiculous amount of music i have on my computer (very quickly nearing 25 gigs, by the way), there's a chance that i'll actually get to listen to my entire library instead of going to the standards that i used to click to on my ipod.

so yes, i have a big old 3g 10gig ipod (they don't make 10gigs anymore), and a 1gig ipod shuffle for me to just kinda futz around with.

and yeah, sure it looks clunky, but i actually really liked the idea that except for the 'hold' switch, the ipod didn't have any separate, movable parts. the touch-wheel idea got me hooked, and that's when i hopped on the apple bandwagon. little did i know that soon after i'd be a convert and but a mac mini and from then on just do everything mac-style.

there's songs i haven't even listened to for years that i'm re-hearing for the first time. this is fun!

sigh. to rediscovering those good songs that just bring you back to eighth grade.

and not to mention those white earbuds make you look slick.

making a mountain out of air

2005-07-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

this is my friend nate. that is his car in the background.

to those of you who met nate, yes, he is fine -- at least from what i've read of him -- and yes, he's all right from the accident, too. (just thought i'd give my boy some mad props.) shock, yo. i've never been that close to someone being lost in that instant. and what was the last thing i said to nate? "i'll see you soon."

it makes me feel kind of selfish that for a little bit, i've wanted to just stay here in berkeley and not go back to the super-saccharine, under-the-top vibe of anaheim hills, but jesus, if this shit happens, then i don't know what. i don't even know where to begin. you see, nate's one of those friends who, if the two of you were in a bar, you'd pay for his bill, but he already would have skillfully paid for it before anyone knew.

i know it sounds somewhat irrelevant now, but i owe the guy twenty bucks, and that's twenty bucks i don't want to have if he would have died. and i know it sounds a little weird if you're reading this, dude, but that scared the shit out of me and i'll send you your twenty bucks as soon as i get paid. (note: that twenty bucks is legendary. it goes back to freshman year of high school, when the cingular store in the plaza across from the high school was still a boston market. (we'll get back to that some other time.))

nate's one of my best friends, and is one of the handful of people who know me better than i do myself.

and i am so happy he's all right.

and ok, this is kinda inappropriate, but check out his superpowers. look what he did to the truck that caused the accident.

this is why i'm very happy that nate is alive.

i hope everything's fine, nate. holla back.

this guy is ridiculous

2005-07-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

i'm sure all of you know about lance armstrong's world-record six wins at the tour de france, and how this year he's going for a seventh which, would not only be unprecedented, but also something that will very much insure his place in the history books as ye high and mighty god of cycling.

you've all probably seen his nike ads, where he's holding back tears announcing how his testicular cancer had spread to his abdomen (and unknowingly his lungs and brain). that was way back in 1997, before any of this silly stuff with livestrong and nike or the postal service, before he was ever in a yellow jersey, and before he even met sheryl crow.

and now, to come back eight years later, stronger, cancer in remission, and with a goal of just finishing -- he is retiring after this race, after all -- he's an awesome guy to just, you know, admire.

not to mention his cameo appearance in "dodgeball" was one of the most memorable scene-stealers in the past three years. to think, he was the best deus ex machina for vince vaughn's character, and now, he's the guy holding the discovery channel team together.

and did you see the reports about how his still heart rate was about thirty-two beats per minute, and his working heart rate is above 200? the guy is a machine; his heart is twice the size of the next person's. he's built to shatter records; he's built to be a goddamn inspiration. which i'm sure he hates sometimes, but most of the time, wouldn't you want half of the world looking at you, thinking, 'man, i wish i could be that guy'?

so i doubt you'll ever read this, lance armstrong, but if you ever do, i want you to know that you are one of the most awesome people this planet has. you're not killing anyone, you're not effectively destroying how americans are portrayed to the rest of the world, and your last name isn't "bush," "cheney," "frist," or "bolton," any of which ought to scare the next american, but won't. you're a true inspiration, and yes, some may consider you to be a god. but what i really admire about you is that it never seems to get to your head, and you know better than anyone what your limits really are.

and yes, i have a livestrong bracelet. not because oprah told me to get one, but because your cause, your determination, and your balls-to-the-wall attitude makes spendig that dollar worth it.

you rock, dude.

terrible vision

2005-07-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

we're a week past halfway done with the year, and already things are shaky.

there was the announcement in london yesterday about their garnering the bid for the olympics in 2012, but this morning, less than twenty-four hours from that announcement, there was the terrorist attack that killed and injured innocent people while they were on the undergound and on a bus.

you'd think that these scenes you see on the news were only real in movies and books, but since then, we've had new york in smoke, madrid on her knees, india, indonesia, and thailand ransacked, iraq bombed, and now, london, very shaken. buildings have fallen down, cars have exploded, people have been mangled, and it's all been one giant chaotic mess.

what happened? when did we all lose sight of the fact that we're all still human fucking beings? when did basic human decency become obsolete? and furthermore, why?

when did we all begin to hate each other? it's crazy to think about that, you know, despite my idealism, there's actually people out there who coexist and make peace with their differences, and then there are those people who can't let it go. it's been a week of stark, sharp contrasts; there was live 8 to help alleviate world poverty (which was being held by some of the richest people in the world), there was pageantry in singapore for the olympic bid cities, and then now there's a bombing to coincide with the g8 summit in scotland.

what really freaks me out is that the spring of my sophomore year, i was there. i can't believe this is happening, to see it all blow up from a tv screen here in berkeley, waiting on news reports from cnn and reuters while looking at pictures i had of us having fun at king's cross - st. pancras, the spot where there were most people injured and dead.

i'm deathly afraid of being in that situation. even this morning, there were police officers all over campus, scouring garbage cans, looking at backpacks in the layaway station in the tower. even a canine unit came up to the observatory deck. i'd never been asked if anyone looked suspicious on campus, and now, i was asked how busy it was and how many people and all that important antiterrorist stuff.

it's sobering, to say the least. to see it happen is even worse.

to those of you in london right now, i hope you're safe.

2005-06-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

i know i haven't updated this thing in forever, but that's because of a) the lack of time, b) the lack of desire, c) the lack of things to talk about, or d) i'm just having too much fun.

yes, i know, three posts for the month of june isn't really anything substantial, but i guess here's what i have to show for it. enjoy!

there's me with hitasha and tor at kat's twenty-first at raleigh's. i guess i just like being surrounded by gorgeous people.

then there was the scene at lake anza up at tilden regional with erin, nick, and ratha. summer 2004, woop.

and of course, what summer shot wouldn't be complete without a shot of campus? i am a tourguide, after all.

go bears!

2005-06-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

sunday. what am i doing?

absolutely nothing.

that's right, summer. eat it.

2005-06-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

eight days into june and here go nothing but the guilty pleasures, in no particular order:

vh1. you name it: the surreal life, i love the (insert decade here)'s, bstv, and the new thing with ben stein, game show moments gone bananas. it's good stuff. can't stop watching it. shit, even strip search is hilarious, and so is kept. i have to admit it: i'm a bit of a reality tv junkie. i knew it would happen the very first time i saw the real world and road rules.

bravo. first they had showdog moms and dads. then they had queer eye. and then they had reruns of revelations. and then they ran inside the actors studio with a few of the most off-base celebrities. then, blow out with jonathan anton (it was a marathin). then, hit me baby one more time. and the worst thing ever? celebrity pojer showdown. can't get enough.

food network. iron chef still has a special place in my tv-watching schedule, as well as alton brown's good eats. then it's any show that has paula deen, tyler florence, and giada di laurentiis. i even began watching ina garten's barefoot contessa. and can w say that michael chiarello is a god among napa chefs? i just have to warn you folks: i absolutely fucking hate emeril live, and rachael ray needs a few ritalin pills. to overdose on.

family guy. whether on fox, tbs, or online, this show never ceases to be funny. and with that new live in vegas cd, it got so much better.

mtv. punk'd. real world. inferno. made. and true life. every other show is crap, and what the fuck happened to the music videos?

chappelle's show. i have both season 1 and 2 on dvd, and then there was the dave special on comedy central a few days back. my favorite sketch so far? lil jon, followed closely by rick james, and then the entire wayne brady episode.

er, lost, and daily show reruns. enough said.

tlc. while you were out edges out in a fix, and clean sweep makes an appearance while what not to wear stays on op. what happened to trading spaces? as soon as ty, alex, and eventually, paige left, it began to suck. and not just anything. it stared to suck major ass.

ktsf daytime. something about watching something in a language you don't know. it's funnier.

dude, origami time.

2005-05-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

eminem's song, ass like that, is addicting. ga-doing-doing-doing.

i believe there was a good summer kick-off with the three-day weekend, because everyone has had huge smiles on their faces recently. people are nicer, the weather's awesome, and there's just enough to do where i'm not bored out of my mind and i'm not busy runnning around doing stuff every hour.

they keep showing these ads about the new season of reno 911 and i'm so amped, but they also show reno 911 action figures during the promo and they're not real. what a huge disappointment. if those things were real, i would own the entire collection twice over: one set to keep forever, and another to play around with. and if they were fully poseable? even better.

despite having enough to do, i think i need to get in better shape this summer. i've gained some chub over this past year, and man, it's not looking pretty. at least my metabolism's still pretty fast, in the sense that it can somewhat catch up to the barrage of unhealthiness i put in my body, but still -- a week of beer, pizza, and prepared foods isn't exactly your sesame street, five-a-day kind of diet.

then again, it is summer, so i guess i have an excuse to laze about three days out of the week.

you know what else is cool? strawberry floats. i make them extra-not-good-for-you-but-extra-good-to-you by making them with extra creamy breyer's vanilla ice cream. and then strawberry fanta. and then strawberries. and then you have two in one sitting and then you get the bestest sugar crash in the entire world, and then you wake up two hours later, eyes glazed over, and wondering what just happened since you have a spoon in your hand and empty pinkish glass on your coffee table. mmm. high fructose corn syrupy goodness.

i was speaking with my brother over the phone today and found out that he was going to be in ireland and england for the next ten days. what a butt. i would go, but i don't have any money. i should look at what sta has for deals during the summer. maybe i can go somewhere in july or august, just so i can say i did something. berkeley, as intense as it is, just gets a little monotonous sometimes. at least i'm not in summer school, but that's no way to spend summer here anyway.

someone from southern california better come up here and visit. if i can't go to orange county this summer, orange county is coming to me.

anyone else enjoying these nights when the sun doesn't go down until 9pm? it's amazing, no? the light just screams for picture-taking.

annie lennox is one crazy bitch.

2005-05-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

it's getting to the point where, in typical summer fashion, the weather and the times both aid in the destruction of my otherwise existent sleep cycle and my restlessness to do busy work overcomes the ample rest periods of watching reno 911 and sealab 2021 reruns and old-school 80's movies like batteries not included and short circuit. the past few days have marked not only the beginning of summer but also the growig anxiety that is my last year of undergraduate life.

i had fun these past few days. i recharged and finally fell into a comfortable sleeping pattern, after the ridiculous toll of virtually six days of non-stop finals. yes, ridiculous, but well worth the agony of having to endure fifteen weeks of "same shit, different day." i rediscovered the city of san francisco, and i reacquainted myself with doxylamine succinate, the wondrous bringer of sleep to those who need it. i partook in a quest for a bar that didn't card, a game that revealed true identities and true friendships, and an evening of two magnums of wine coupled with the numa numa dance and waking up the next morning not realizing i had slept over in westminster house.

there too was the object of the touted third episode of star wars, which, as anticipated, would be better than the first two movies but still carried the weight of the horrible acting that is hayden christiansen. as i've heard it quoted before, "it's probably going to suck, but you're still going to see it." and you know what? people did see it. and people probably liked it better than the first two anyway.

jon got back from argentina with plenty of stories to tell, like the supremely cheap restaurants and the stray dogs, as well as the street urchins who were so impressed by being given a dollar they wished they could go to america "so that when they begged for money, they could receive dollars." capitalism at its finest: the dollar as a symbol of prosperity, transcending bounds of when and where people ought to beg for a living.

but there have been many downs, as we discover, in this very thing we call relaxation. planning a free weekend is hard enough (i had expected my parents to be here this weekend) but, due to their cancelling plans last minute, i found myself with a sudden yet disappointing freedom over the memorial day weekend. what's a guy like me to do? what else, but buy the second season of chappelle's show on dvd and watch it, once through, then with commentary, then the special features, then those with commentary. this one was definitely a good buy. rick james, wayne brady, lil jon, the whole shebang -- there were very few moments that were unfunny or stilted, because this show is so awesomely written it's amazing.

the lulls in between don't get any better, either. it's that feeling of high anticipation and worried anxiety hat you feel whenever you're waiting for something to happen -- a phone call, a tv show, a letter in the mail -- and the extremes you feel when either success or failure dominate the situation. you can't help but feel even worse when you fail, but that's why you set yourself up for failure so that if you do succeed, it's unexpected and feels just that little bit better. (call it pessimistic or cynical, but if it works, then it's got a place somewhere, right?)

but it's not even june and i want to break free of the rut. i don't want to work for the man anymore. i want to just sing and not care. i want to just run away somewhere, i don't know, drive, and spend the day on the coast and watch the waters dance and the sun play along the golden sands. i want to go to the beach and smell the salty air, i want to go to a bonfire and feel the heat as the night air turns crisp and brisk. i want to watch the stars, i want to dance, i want to have a goddamned picnic because i never have time to plan a goddamned picnic and goddammit, i want to have a picnic.

i just want to have something like a summer, even though i haven't really been stuck in a rut yet. is that so much to ask for? is that so much to worry about? and is it really that big of a deal if i don't go home this summer and not see my family for a little bit? is it that big of a deal if i feel excluded from a california summer? and is it even better if i dont say anything because everyone else will have the benefit of the doubt?

doubts or not, i don't stand to make anything out of nothing. there's worrying, but i worry too much in the first place. i just want it all somewhat there, almost done and over with, ready to be looked over a few times but not too much because i'll just get tired of it.

i need to figure out what's going on, and then i'll have my answer. berkeley's a hell of a place to be in, kids, and it takes a certain kind of person to wrestle and grasp the concepts of self-actualization and integrity while you're left to read four readers and type up pages upon pages of mindless, derivative drivel.

speaking of mindless derivative drivel, have a good summer. keep in touch. (and then it was a seventh grade yearbook entry.)

bo bice should have won, but vonzell is still my american idol.

2005-05-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

i am DONE, bitches!!!!!!!!!

woo! free at last! thank god, i am free at last!

[happy dance]

2005-05-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

so i know it's almost midnight and everything, but walking around outside felt like it was eight in the evening, maybe because the sun set at around eight and it felt like a good, warm summer night.

and i know it's finals week here in berkeley, and that i ought to be more cordial, but i really do think that i shouldn't be doling out all that good luck to all you other kids because god knows i absolutely need it more this time around. i took my first final yesterday and i felt all right afterwards, which i guess is an okay feelig considering i didn't puke out of either sheer excitement or anxious disgust.

one down, four to go: in the spirit of taking more finals, i think i'm going to give myself a final of cleaning everything up starting from my apartment after finals, and then start going to work (if i'm up to it!).

like i've said before, i'm so ready to just take my finals. i'm so ready for them to be over with. and i'm so ready to either get kicked in the ass by the goddamned things or kick their ass (moreso the latter than the former, but you never know with these things -- they're like those crocodiles steve erwin deals with, you know: ugly and beautiful all at the same time). and i will be so relieved when they're over because they're over, and then i'll be so hesitant to look at bearfacts and look at what the 'final exm grades' button says.

and i know a couple of you out there are in the same boat as i am, so i'm pulling for you, too.

by the by, did anyone else out there know that it was national masturbation month this month (otherwise known as 'do it yourself' month)?

this is about enough procrastination, right? i swear i have a final in eight hours. i just... whatever. we'll all float on all right.

buenos aires!

2005-05-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

bown-bown doot doo doodn bump ba da da bamp bamp.

i have been nerding out on the air cds so much.

that really just means i'm not studying for finals when i really should be.

five more days. it's just five more days.

then what?

2005-05-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

that weekend felt wonderful.

beginning on friday with the senior tourguide send-off at 3 was a good kickstart. it was in senior hall, one of the more architecturally interesting buildings on campus, and it was solemn. it was funn. and man, it was memorable. of the many people i've met through my years here at cal, tourguides really are a different breed. they're spirited, but contained; reserved, but outgoing; and of course, unique to the core.

we even got to climb down the steps of the campanile (who else gets to do that but carillonists and tour guides?!?)! it was totally a cool experience -- we got to peek in the floors where the animal bones and fossils were kept, and we even got to listen in to a carillon student practice his final piece.

then there was the big giant bash at raleigh's, where we downed three tablefuls of food in the span of an hour. (and let's not even mention the pitchers of happy juice made of fermented hops and barley and all other kinds of goodness.)

we then traversed over to the sigma kappa house to see one of our very own, ra-ra, sing at the air concert. it was good (they sounded awesome!), but we couldn't keep richard awake especially since there were some parts of the show that were, say, more dramatic and eyebrow-raising than others.

soon after, we all met at the campanile, this time to go underground. the steam tunnel outing was definitely one of the most memorable times i have ever had, especially with a ragtag group of people, capped off by escaping wheeler hall being chased by two university employees while the thirty-or-so of us ran wild westward. we all reconvened once gain at the tower, where we all watched the men's octet and the overtones sing their sets in a wonderful stupor.

when they finished, i got dragged along by artists in resonance (who too were there in attendance, as were my brother and three other new members) to sing (!) at the u-bench, and then made our way to kappa delta rho to end the night with -- what else? -- more singing, more alcohol, and more breaking the ice and evading awkward silent moments.

i got back home at 4.30, ready to wake up at 2 in the afternoon.

then there was a day of hiking, all around campus and then up to the big c, and then it was a walk over to the cal jazz choir show. they also sounded great, and it was a good change of pace to see them decked out in their fancy outfits. the girls looked gorgeous.

but more memories are coming, i'm sure. and that's only a weekend i'll never forget -- hopefully there's another one waiting in the wings, hopefully taking me away to distract me from the fall season, or even make me forget about next spring.

good times.

2005-05-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

i am so ready for finals, but finals aren't ready for me yet.

i thought today was friday, and i wanted it so badly to be friday, but no. that would mean completing this paper i have. and it's supposed to be twenty-some-odd pages long. and considering i just finished a monster of a paper yesterday, i am so ready to take a test where you just open a blue book and write for three hours. it sounds disgusting, i know, but when you think about it, no one can bs a paper quite like i can.

and i bs quite good when it comes to finals.

there are these certain words that show up just around finals time that never seem to surface elsewhere in my daily vocabulary. examples of this range from "mitigate" to "transmogrification," from "pulchritudinous" to "unergative." big words: they'll get you far enough to where you feel smart as all hell but won't land you any sort of lucrative job. (or a job at all, for that matter.)

speaking of finals, it's also around the time when evaluations come out for instructors. i think for the first time in my career here i'm going to be brutally honest in my evaluations. no more just circling 7's or writing "good gsi" on there; no, i think i'll actually take the ten minutes allotted and fill that shit out.

you can feel it getting just a little crazier here at berkeley, too. the weather turned from summer to gloom almost literally overnight, and as you might expect, everyone's just a bit down because whenever they look outside and see clouds and fog instead of sun and tanktops, that old feeling of euphoria where you can't wait to get out of class just dies. and you die a little inside. and a little more because you can't stand the monotone of your gsi's voice, nor the incessant tap-tap-screech-scratch of the chalk going across the chalkboard.

i feel fulfilled after this semester. granted, i didn't go to a few lectures and a few discussions, but this would really be the first time i could say that i was spent after a semester of hard classes. they were all interesting in their own veins; the instructors just as interesting as the material they presented. (of course, some of them were much more interesting than the others, but i guess that's what makes it even more interesting.)

and i don't just mean fulfilled like "i'm so over going to college," but fulfilled in the sense that i really felt like i accomplished something, like i had finally found that goddamned spot where i was supposed to be, where i'm just content with all my classes and the grades i will probably get. i don't care if i get out of academic probation, and you know, that feels just as good to say as i'm done with my paper.

so despite the weather being crummy, i feel just fine. i still have internet thanks to my clueless neighbor upstairs, my kitchen is finally clean again, and the only thing left for me to do is finish my laundry (if only that bitch would stop laying claim to the laundry room once the afternoon happens!). but i still can't wait until finals happen, because once they happen, that feeling of a burden being lifted of your shoulders feels good -- a little too good, but good nonetheless -- and i am so ready to have this giant rock of five tests off of my back.

so here's to finals week (they lie and call it finals week when it's more like "week and a half of finals"), where students go crazy in the main stacks, where coffee is more precious than quarters, and where food only seems to matter when you really need to know how to do math or biology.

to your musings and dealings with cunctatorship and procrastination, i bid you good luck, and of course, go bears.

2005-05-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

it's already may, and the only thing i have to show for it is bags under my eyes.

april was crazy like crazy. i had to talk my mouth off, sing my throat out, and all of this while projects went on and i was under the weather for a week. i still have homework to finish, two papers to write, and my dear god, finals to study for. in a week and a half it's all over or it's all over.

talking to pre-freshmen is a bit tedious. it's exciting for the first hour, and yes, you always have to be more than happy to answer their silly questions that they could have answered by looking at the info sheet they were just given, or if they had paid attention during the tour, or if they hadn't come late and ruined the question-asking experience for the rest of the group.

singing was fun, though. yay artists in resonance. yay me singing tenor ii next year. and yay for extremely long audition processes.

i got kind of motivated near the end of april, but it was for all the wrong reasons. (then again, isn't that the only way to get motivated in the first place? you make yourself sound like a horrible person until you realize everyone else does it too.)

and while we're at this whole "everyone else is doing it so why can't we" stuff (yay cranberries references), i saw the first episode of the season for family guy. not that i wasn't going to watch it tonight anyway, but you know. it's nice to have seen something about a week ahead of everyone else and yeah, brag about it. neener neener. hah.

this mountain of laundry that's growing ever so slowly is getting to me. maybe this week i'll start procrastinating by doing laundry, and then doing my papers, and then finishing the project.

i never knew i could plan to procrastinate. revelation? maybe. will it happen? probably not.

thanks everyone for showing up to spring show party -- it was a blast.

woot.

2005-04-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

today's first motivation: work.

today's second motivation: watching a sixth-grader spell some word i haven't even heard perfectly on the today show this morning, defeating me that early.

today's third motivation: waiting to see final grades, because that would really suck if i didn't get out of academic probation.

finally, motivation number four: at least i know that "catorce" isn't four, because u2 thinks so. ergo, miguel = smarter than u2.

man, i need to seriously get motivated.

2005-04-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

berkeley should change its motto from "fiat lux" to "where your best is never good enough."

i always feel like that when it comes time for midterms and papers. i feel like i'm putting out my best effort, and i feel good after taking tests, but when the grade comes back for the project i just feel defeated. it's like i was the average student all along, though in high school i was in the group of five kids who always finished tests first or always got good grades on papers. it's different, though, because now i'm in a sea of people who come from that very same background, and they're all probably kicking my ass concerning all they do is study.

i try to have a life. is that tantamount to getting really bad grades? or sacrificing being social to earn a grade that was probable mediocre in the first place?

i hate being the mediocre one in class. i hate being not motivated in class, when i feel the crossword is more important than the day's lesson. i hate it, because i feel like i'm wasting my time in something i don't really love.

so what do i do?

i feel so icky.

2005-04-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

"so let go, just get in -- it's so amazing
it's all right cos there's beauty in the breakdown"

it's true. there is something left to be said when you think you're slipping ever further away from the things you find yourself doing everyday, and all of a sudden you realize that wait, what i'm doing is worth something, and goddammit, i'm going to finish whatever it is i started.

the thursday of no class is lending itself well to this train of thought. workers here at cal are on strike, protesting about their wages not being able to support their families. the students are all happy that there's no class, but a lot of them seem to be missing the point that the reason why they're not in class today is due to the efforts of these people trying to get their voices heard. (apathy at berkeley? it happens.)

somehow, though, i can't grasp this pressing concept of time and space, that instruction ends in less than a month and i desperately need to catch up. i register for classes tomorrow, and seeing my schedule for it makes me want to hurl a little bit because everything's just a little more tentative than what it has been in the past. even thinking about it makes me a little queasy.

so what am i going to do with a day that was reserved for class and more class? i'm going to relax the shit out of this day. so relaxed, it's busy, but so busy, it goes back to being relaxed.

see? i've got you confused already.

so drink up, baby down! (hearting frou frou if you couldn't tell.)

2005-04-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

some people really just need to chill the fuck out. i know it's intimidating and everything, berkeley, but damn, chill out! one day of hectic frenzy does not amount to the years you've spent being here. and if you wonder why people around you mock you and criticize you, grow some balls and deal with it. like, seriously deal with it, don't just brush it off as "it's just another slap to the face thanks a lot guys boo hoo i'm going to kill myself" bullshit. i've had it with this kind of mentality -- and mind you, i'm not just talking about one person -- but goddamn it, if you're not realizing what a fucking cockout it is the way you talk about being here, then don't be here!

on another note, the weather sucks. i'm sure it probably doesn't suck as to, say, boston a couple days ago, but it's on-and-off nice-not-nice alternation here. suffice it to say i could have been in shorts and a parka today, and no, i'm not exaggerating. there was one point in the day when the rain was horizontal (compared to one day last week when it hailed for a few hours), and then, twenty minutes later, sunshine and rainbows like a motherfucking lucky charms ad.

i woke up yesterday with a beautifully sore throat (just in time for a vocal audition, yay). i've been on sore throat spray and water, so hopefully soon i'll be better.

the thing that gets me the most is that one of my big papers is due on tuesday; and unlike other people in the class who have been diligently working and researching their topics, interviewing their folks and attending office hours, i have been sitting on my ass, watching tv or downloading something on itunes because as much as i'd like to care, i don't, and i think that's really really sad. tuesday, folks. four days. come to think of it, less than; but do i really want to work that hard during a weekend that looks like one of the funnest i'll never get to experience?

the mac i have at home is working beautifully. no crashing, no problems, and lots of disk space. but one my beauty of an external hard drive comes in (read: 250 GB), i will be so ridiculously happy and content with the amount of stuff i can put on my computer. yay macintosh. yay simplicity. and yes, i have to say, i'm convinced that it's one of the best things to happen to my computing life.

on yet another note, looking at site stats, there's been this recurring search result from trondheim, norway; i think that's rather odd yet somehow cool. tor (yes, THE tor, ie. chappy's roommate) hails from the city (tor heine traeland, to be exact; if any of you norwegians read this and know tor, holla back); also, chappy was there for a while when he lived in norway. coincidence? probably. cool? the fuck yeah.

as for the pope's death, i actually did feel a lot sad when they finally announced the news. i remember seeing the pope when he was in manila for the 10th world youth day; there was a magnificent crowd when he held mass and i remember getting communion among thousands of people singing praise to the pope. he's a cool guy. and what makes him even better is what he did for this church: he asked for forgiveness from the crusades, from jews (for blaming that they killed jesus when jesus himself was a jew), from islam, from science (galileo being one of the most prominent figures in church history)... he revolutionized the way roman catholics see the church, and i highly appreciate him for that.

speaking of which, i felt like i went to mass for the first time in a long time when i viewed the requiem mass on tv this morning. it felt odd to remember all the little quirks, like what to say after transubstanciation, what to sing during the litany of saints, and when exactly to nod your head in reverence and respect. it felt right, and i felt good. like lewis black says, man needs a ritual, and i think going to church when i was young helped reinforce that.

sigh. sorry for the long-ish update. congratulations for making it this far.

and now, more procrastination.

2005-04-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

i just really abhor the feeling of being on the verge of getting sick. it always happens at the most inopportune times, and i'm left fending for myself with five doses of dayquil / nyquil / supertussin in my backpack. if i show my stash to you, you'd think i were addicted.

it's been intermittent, though; i'm just a little paranoid because my papers are all due and i have to pull more than a couple of all-nighters to get me past the hump. and no, with a bad throat and a bad sinus, i don't think i'll be able to get through it.

this is my thirty-two pages of validation.

spring break, besides the north bay tour, was uneventful. a few days were marked by rain which equalled my not wanting to do much, and a few days were spent literally just walking around the bay area, whether in san francisco, oakland, or getting off at a random bart station and going somewhere.

getting back into the swing of things was much harder this year. i couldn't concentrate on anything any of my professors were talking about, save for when our group project for transportation was due, in which case i was on double espressos for three days straight.

it's almost time for the school year to end, and i think everyone's getting a taste of it because of their clamors for summer vacation and how everyone's weekends begin to look like previews of their summer exploits.

pooped out.